Open Mic: 25 bars (Untitled) |
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Prolific Thoughts 
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Joined: 25 June 2016 Location: San Antonio, Tx Status: Offline Points: 16 |
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 Topic: 25 bars (Untitled)Posted: 27 June 2016 at 12:05am |
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After the death of my pops- my fate was placed with the odds--
My mind was wilted and lost- running back to places where memories have gone-- Still have the pain in my palms- of the last time I was held in your arms-- The pictures are gone- but I feel him inside of my thoughts keeping me strong-- So dont bother asking whats wrong- my feelings are starved to show it through art-- The desire to start- a piece that'll carve out a piece of your heart-- Leaving a mark- on countless lives who dream of living with stars-- Cause their living is hard- chasing a high from places that far... Away from home- living alone chasing a dream that only just grows-- But I was easily sold from garments and gold to easily getting the hoes-- So im chasing my goals paving the road for a life that is owed-- A workhorse- thats sweating out loads till I brittle my bones-- Instead of.. sellin the dope to people you know killing them slow... Losing their souls.. searching for hope unable to cope the pain that they hold-- My advice was letting it go- releasing this flow reaching to those feeling the cold... Healing the soul.. from pages Ive wrote- of mistakes Ive made but never was told.. To recite it to folks whether they listen or dont- so I dropped the ink and left it alone-- Since then I have grown- but heavily prone to dropping these rhymes through a microphone-- So just give me a pad and I'll show you the math- by creating a path through lyrical craft-- Always taken a pivotal stance- on this culture we have selling us sexual crap-- Easily grabbed by suggestive ads- media waves catching your brain forming a trap-- Music is a drug causing a crack- rippling the youth that cause to collapse-- Along with the acts of flaunting the cash- impressionable girls just shaking their ass-- Hyper social media fads- the era of redundant click bait photo-media trash-- Where is the meaning of it at? someday they'll find a way to market the true meaning of rap... |
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Goryo.
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Joined: 28 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 431 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-4-0 Form: LWLWLW |
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Posted: 28 June 2016 at 9:19pm |
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I like it. A lot of quotables in there and I personally enjoy drops that have a lot of content. I thought it transitioned smoothly from one section to the next but one thing I would definitely work on is tightening up your flow and maybe making better use of inners to do it. You did make good use of inners in quite a lot of places though. One other thing is imagery. You did have good imagery but some parts I feel could've had more just to enrich the content as a whole. Keep it up though man.
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Endeavor
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Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
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Posted: 01 July 2016 at 9:02am |
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Yo, I meant to feed this before but I completely forgot.
Some excellent display of lyricism here. You're straight to the point and don't over do it with unnecessary vocabulary causing you to say a whole lot of stuff while having an actual meaning that's 1 sentence long. As display by me in the previous sentence lol. Even though "gone" and "lost" don't rhyme on their own, placing "lost" between "gone" and "palms" made for a very smooth transition. The flows is pretty decent as well, had some issues on beat but that's because I don't know where the breaks are. I like the transition from your personal struggle and how you it's being display through art with regard to the lingering pain you mentioned in the third line.
Interesting segment and I can relate to it. The dreams of a big mansion, sports cars, expensive clothes and fine jewelry. I especially like the workhorse line and the approach you took with brittle bones, metaphorically.
Last line didn't flow for me, somethings off with the syllables and "microphone" don't work as a multi here, giving it a weird sound. Other than that... I think this section is my favorite. Especially the bolded part in the quotation. Simple, effective, bonkers! Good job.
Here the flow get shaky again after the "pivotal stance" section. I think it would be better if you used fewer words. Example:
On the beat I'm playing right now this seems to fit better and transitions really smooth. I left out the unnecessary words made sure it fit to the beat. If you don't, write on a beat!
Loved the closer, especially the syllable heavy second bar in the quotation. It fits perfectly and sounds real smooth when rapped out loud. Overall: I like the tone and message of this piece. You had flow issues here and there but for the most part it was smooth. You had quite some quotables in here, but I think the workhorse line was my favorite. If you wonder which beat I had on: Kiiara - Gold (Hippie Sabotage remix). Yeah, I listen to Kiiara, don't judge me!
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#Bananas
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Architect
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Joined: 02 July 2016 Status: Offline Points: 16 |
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Posted: 02 July 2016 at 9:02pm |
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I liked the amount of rhymes throughout this piece. They were close together and you still managed a nice narrative with them; however, I have a complaint. I think this many rhymes so close together throughout this piece would have sounded better with multis. You seemed to have one syllable rhymes (a lot of them) that I thought would have been better as multis. I do like the message, and I was very impressed with your ability to create an understandable message with the amount of rhymes you used. You certainly have skills, and I will be looking subsequent drops as you further develop.
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Prolific Thoughts
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Joined: 25 June 2016 Location: San Antonio, Tx Status: Offline Points: 16 |
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Posted: 03 July 2016 at 1:46pm |
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Damn I really appreciate the comments, I put alot into this piece, feelings and all especially being that its the first peice ive typed up in 4 years, and ive been really anticipating dropping this and giving ya a piece of me so thanks for the motivation and I do appreciate the criticism I will definitely improve in those areas. I do agree I need more imagery and tightening up the flow would be a good thing. Much respect to you guys taking the time to read and comment, truly is gratifying.
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https://www.facebook.com/eduardo.a.mares
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Crimson Juice
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Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Posted: 03 July 2016 at 1:50pm |
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I will drop feed on this later today,I do like what ive just skimmed
through though..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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