Battlefield: [7/7] Crimson Juice v AxyRocker (topical) {0-2}

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    Posted: 07 July 2017 at 8:02pm
Bloodlines IV prelude
Best of 5 votes
Verses due midnight Sunday
24 line limit

Topic:

"I'm falling and I can't turn back"



Edited by Crimson Juice - 12 November 2017 at 11:22am
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 July 2017 at 6:47pm
I once sat in splender beside the majestic throne up in the sky,
Tryin to sell ideas like a vendor undermining law by asking why,
Viewed as a pretender as I tried to rewrite old ways & rectify,
Burnt up like an ember when I entered the atmosphere i cried,
I hit the water hard along with thoughts that I took & syphoned,
Sinking & marred there's no turning back I feel like I'm poseidon.
Cast down and charred like I'm at a black holes event horizon,
But im alone like an island so fuck the darkness & the Trident,
Dwell in hell where there are no fire hydrants but I remain defiant,
I deal in souls & sin is my client there are plenty who are compliant,
Took a backseat through the ages at 1 with heat readying the stages,
I'm responsible for all wars that rages collecting souls via rampages,
Ppl committing sin as easy as turning pages like a virus its contagious,
Incorporated Witches & Mages who destroyed the profits and Sages,
So now i'm left with the Lords pets,humans who are so easy to infect,
The old doctrines i force em to reject,then set about creating a new sect,
Gullible they don't detect with every new member there's a lost of respect,
& each one of their life force surges in my veins im ready to start my rein,
Your going to feel suffering & pain as I unleash The Horsemen's campaign,
Those left look for blame,ill use your kins dry bones & spell out my name,

THE MORNING STAR..
"You need to learn how to make an exit,before you can make an entrance".
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote AxyRocker Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 July 2017 at 2:55pm
Everyday I wake up, I am falling in deep
This Alzheimer's that I have is creeping up, killing me
Everyday I wake up trying to figure where I am?
the only help I have is my wife and Dr. Ben
For all the riches that I saved are not helping me out
I am taking these pills but they are not helping me now
Doc says I have to go through a surgery, thats the last shout
Also suggesting I make my will in case shit doesn't workout
My wife is crying,looking at me telling me not to give up
Oh god just when It was all good why did you fuck the shit up?
I write my will giving her everything I have 
I tell her to stay strong in case of a mishap
Next I know I am on a hospital bed, heavily sedated
besides me doc ask my wife - "has john been properly medicated?"
She nods, and he grins a smile and I wake up after a while
Whats going on? where am I? There is a happy lady whose husband just died!!
As this Ben guy reaches and tells me now I am alright
Tells me I was a victim of a street fight and I stayed all night
Then he looks at that lady with a sly smile as they both bid me goodbye
Telling me I am probably a street thug, probably some southside lowlife
As he looks at that lady saying he's already called the lawyer
I ask him atleast tell me my name, and he hands me an ID with my name...
Sawyer
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Cuba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 July 2017 at 9:54pm
Open for votes
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Nigma Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 July 2017 at 2:19am

This vote has been accepted by a moderator.


Crimson

I once sat in splender beside the majestic throne up in the sky,
Tryin to sell ideas like a vendor undermining law by asking why,
Viewed as a pretender as I tried to rewrite old ways & rectify, 
Burnt up like an ember when I entered the atmosphere i cried,
Nicely worded lines here, slightly at the expense of a more elaborate flow. Angle seems to be a starting for the top and and falling type of thing.
I hit the water hard along with thoughts that I took & syphoned, 
Sinking & marred there's no turning back I feel like I'm poseidon.
The poseidon line was wordy to a point where it was a detriment to the rhythm of the read. Mental depiction of a heart monitor during a heart attack. 
Cast down and charred like I'm at a black holes event horizon,
I feel like taking out the contraction from the previous line would have benefited, I am Poseidon/Event horizon is a more accurate end line. Dunno why I'm critiquing this like an OM but deal with it.  
But im alone like an island so fuck the darkness & the Trident, 
Dwell in hell where there are no fire hydrants but I remain defiant,
I deal in souls & sin is my client there are plenty who are compliant,
Took a backseat through the ages at 1 with heat readying the stages,
I'm responsible for all wars that rages collecting souls via rampages,
Ppl committing sin as easy as turning pages like a virus its contagious,
This whole rhyme scheme was boring to me techically. Didn't understand the backseat through ages at 1 line but the content was otherwise worded well, just not worded rhythmically.  
Incorporated Witches & Mages who destroyed the profits and Sages,
So now i'm left with the Lords pets,humans who are so easy to infect,
The old doctrines i force em to reject,then set about creating a new sect,
Gullible they don't detect with every new member there's a lost of respect,
& each one of their life force surges in my veins im ready to start my rein,
Your going to feel suffering & pain as I unleash The Horsemen's campaign,
Those left look for blame,ill use your kins dry bones & spell out my name,

THE MORNING STAR..

Was a cool take on the topic. I felt that you transferred the intent of each line in a crisp fashion. As stated, I feel your mechanics are your weak point, rhyming more than one word would vastly improve the fluidity of your verses. Although the content was conveyed nicely, you didn't bring much more to the table as far as thoughts or interpretations to expound on our knowledge. As is, it was a safe shot at the topic and a solid submission. I offer a few critiques but you've really progressed as a writer.

Axy
 Everyday I wake up, I am falling in deep
This Alzheimer's that I have is creeping up, killing me
It's nice to have a crisp end rhyme to start your verse, this was a bit of a miss
Everyday I wake up trying to figure where I am?
the only help I have is my wife and Dr. Ben
For all the riches that I saved are not helping me out
I am taking these pills but they are not helping me now
Ooo the wording of the previous 2 lines was nice. The repetition of words was effective
Doc says I have to go through a surgery, thats the last shout
Also suggesting I make my will in case shit doesn't workout
Didn't think the word 'shit' really felt with the tone you had going
My wife is crying,looking at me telling me not to give up
Oh god just when It was all good why did you fuck the shit up?
I write my will giving her everything I have 
I tell her to stay strong in case of a mishap
Next I know I am on a hospital bed, heavily sedated
besides me doc ask my wife - "has john been properly medicated?"
She nods, and he grins a smile and I wake up after a while
Whats going on? where am I? There is a happy lady whose husband just died!!
As this Ben guy reaches and tells me now I am alright
Tells me I was a victim of a street fight and I stayed all night
Then he looks at that lady with a sly smile as they both bid me goodbye
Telling me I am probably a street thug, probably some southside lowlife
As he looks at that lady saying he's already called the lawyer
I ask him atleast tell me my name, and he hands me an ID with my name...
Sawyer
The storytelling in the last half of that really pulled me in. I don't know who Saywer is and the direction you took with the character being percieved as a lowlife were kinda lost on me, but I really enjoyed what I picked up, the confusion didn't really alter my impression of the verse. Your mechanics were very decent, things were worded pretty well, and you told a very original story. Improvements could lie in a more clear progression of thoughts throughout the bouncing around you were doing, but that's the only major critique I had.


Prognosis:
Cool battle, both brought interesting verses. Crimson with a safe path, Axy with the more original take.  In this battle I was leaning towards the more creative approach, which also had the better mechanics IMO. 

+1 AxyRocker

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Cuba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 August 2017 at 1:35pm
1-0 Axy. Guys, Crim votes all your battles. Please pay back that respect by voting his now.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Ridley Squat Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 November 2017 at 11:11pm

This vote has been accepted by a moderator.


The Criminator

Read a couple times, and out loud and then started to feel it.
It rhymed consistently throughout, and flowed well, though there was room for some more complexity and in places I got the impression that some of the rhyme choices came across a little basic, but the descriptiveness was really well done.
I just found out though that Morning Star is used variously to mean Satan OR Jesus, so may not have been the best choice of pseudonym, unless that's what you were going for ... I just googled it, now look at me acting like I'm a fucking expert ... in all honesty I'm trying to write enough to qualify as "Vote: Improvement Required"
The last line though was fucking dope!

Axylotl

Starts so shaky, I'm wondering if it's going to be one of those non rhyming pieces that I won't like, but it turns out the first lines were indeed meant to rhyme.
But then it rhymes and flows nicely, similar to Crim's, but I did like the way the narration came across naturally and the way the story seemed to be going ...
until the end, when I was no longer sure what was going on.
I was focusing on 'Look, is he dead or not? Cos the doctor is talking to him handing him shit?'. But after 5th read through I picked up on enough of the things I had missed (or didn't first clock the relevance of) to honestly make me change the way I was going to vote; "my riches", "left her everything", "grinning cunt of a doctor".
Still don't really follow the end bit ... but that'll do, I think I've done well enough.

So MFVGT Axy for a well structured story, I think, and 1 point to me for finally catching on.
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