Open Mic: Am I Gifted?.

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Crimson Juice View Drop Down
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    Posted: 08 October 2017 at 10:27pm
Marred genetics render me with unpleasing aesthetics,
Resembling a dino from the jurassic or a Joseph Merrick,
& Society's view is pathetic hence my use of cosmetics,
Isolated & alone for the sake of 2 extra chromosomes,
The doctors comb through my genome at this unknown,
Extract samples from bones with hopes to create or clone,
& all ignorant ppl have it in for me because of my infamy
Born with telepathy which at times gets the best of me,
But I'm tortured via empathy as I can read their memories,
See ppls thought transference cause them a disturbance,
A mental occurrence that for me is more like a resurgence,
If I could,I'd cleanse with detergents or bring a convergence,
Cuz ppl use me as an escape sayin my probes feel like Rape,
Your mind I don't penetrate like a swimmer diving into a lake,
I view waves and wakes like a machine that detects quakes,
From birth i was displaced via a wealthy family saving face,
Cut all ties & left without a trace from fear of being disgraced,
A lost child like a baby in a maze tossed aside just like waste,
Now i'm used by authorities to extract from ppl info and facts,
They react logical thoughts lack but I've already made contact,
I must resemble an almanac the way i cause ppl to back track,
With my all prying eye i can view their corrupt thoughts & lies,
I spy their crimes as clears as stars in the blackest of skies,
Running with their mind like banzai deceit grows like a bonsai,
Whilst acting all uncouth your minds contained i'm the booth,
Now sweating & being aloof hut you can't hide i know the truth,
I'll expose the contents like a high wind to a ripped off roof,

Resemblin an monster more on the outer but i'm nice at the core,     
I don't do this because i'm poor i do it for justice to settle a score,
     
"You need to learn how to make an exit,before you can make an entrance".
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote spume corrupt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 October 2017 at 12:10am
Wow
How the fuck did this get missed
Brother Crim this was a solid and enjoyable read
I won't lie though I wish you had gone the extra mile and attempted to encapsulate a more tangible storyline, cos that would have given this work that X factor
The concept the rhyming and the wording/delivery was all a big step up for you in my opinion
Just need to work on rounding a piece off now....That little extra thing that's gonna make the reader go....God Damn!
Keep up my main, you are def finding your way forward
Respect

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Absolute Abomination Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 October 2017 at 10:12am
This was dope.

Nearly perfect flow, just a few lines and filler words:
Cuz ppl use me as an escape sayin my probes feel like Rape,
Your mind I don't penetrate like a swimmer diving into a lake, 
9 syllables between penetrate and lake which is the most I can count between rhyming sounds, and given the rest of the verse had much shorter gaps in the schemes it feels out of place.

and I think if you took "a" out of:
and deceit grows like a bonsai
it would have been just that little bit better.

But off the flow, the content was dope. Joseph Merrick is a name I hadn't heard in a long time, cool to see him pop up again. Some nice usage of imagery (the baby being tossed like waste, stars in the skies) too.

Very impressed with this CJ, good stuff.
Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Bazooka bastard Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 October 2017 at 10:02am
If you got 2 extra chromosomes is that downs? If so you need to get out there battling mate, bring something new to the table. You seem like a reasonably good writer so just crack on skin.

Fight the powah!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 October 2017 at 3:01pm
Thank you all for taking the time with the feedback here guys,i shall return the favour
for sure,but I guess you already know that..

@B/Bastard yeah i'm aiming to get battling as it happens,and one extra chromosome
is downs,2 is unknown,hence the gift and hideous form,and like SC/AA, thanks for
your time also it's appreciated dude..peace.
"You need to learn how to make an exit,before you can make an entrance".
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote D-NoS Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 November 2017 at 9:14am
Hella Verse! Text skills to the max. You painted a clear picture and your flow was dope to me. 

Thanks for sharing this and keep at it!
https://soundcloud.com/user-694461707
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