Forum LockedText Battle Archive: [BAE] Ridley Squat vs Rhetorical

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Direct Link To This Post Topic: [BAE] Ridley Squat vs Rhetorical
    Posted: 01 November 2018 at 6:03pm



Verses Due by 11/9


Edited by rhetorical - 01 November 2018 at 6:33pm
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 November 2018 at 6:18pm
Can a mod edit and have the due date 11/9?
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 November 2018 at 2:07am

'The Traveling Salesman'
 

6:30 as the sun sets over this city of pain
Waking up is similar to slitting a vein
Breathing the smog, toxins sit in its rain
Window fogged up, drops flicking the pane
Life sucks or I’m convinced it’s mundane
Constant grinds always a kink in my chain
Selling insurance in this forbidding terrain
Daily commutes a tumor that sits in the brain
Surrounded by the trash that slid on the train
The conversations leave me bitterly strained
Ears filled with nonsense, jitters and drained
Politics about shit, their all victims, it’s strange
Everyones crazy, aint a lick of them sane
Another day, I guess nothing will change
Similar Motel, just a difference in name
The cycle rinsing and repeat’n the same
Checked in to room six...
Just to wake up do it all over again

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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 November 2018 at 3:59am



It's a 'Sign ... of the Times' ... on a mast that can't support its weight
And even freshly painted, looked more classy in its former days
I spent my childhood here, because my father runs this sordid place
I guess this is the 'Bad Sign' that I started under ... born and raised

That awkward age, from nought to 8, I'd lark and run the halls all day
I'd barter Trumps of 'Sporting Greats' with cards all scuffed and corners frayed
Acting on my own ... I'm in a cast of one ... the smallest play
Which never bothered me, cos I'm ... 'The Fastest Gun In All The States!'
The only folk I'd talk to were the tarts upon their walk of shame
So I told them when they fornicate that half the fun was caught on tape!

I saw dad go to prison, as I chart his sudden fall from grace
But let's not dwell where fault is laid, or ask to shun apportioned blame

Now twenty more years later, and I'm fast becoming all I hate
I'm the jack of Nothing, and I've mastered None of all the trades
So I make my way back home, in the calmness once the storm abates
To the emptiness of being in the arms of such a warm embrace

Suddenly I'm hard as if I've glanced upon the Gorgon's face
All the walls are bleeding and the gardens one enormous grave.
I'm ready to succeed him, in the part that I was born to play
The one they never speak of ... I'm the bastard son of Norman Bates



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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 November 2018 at 6:17pm

This vote has been accepted by a moderator.


OK lets get this..

Rhet..

So your tale is about a salesman who's seems to be stuck in a groundhog day
scenario,bored and just going through the motions of his everyday life,where
one motel bleeds into the next with little variety/scenery to stimulate him,(poor
fucker),you had some real nice imagery within this verse too,like the fogging of
Windows whilst droplets of rain hit the reverse side,and although the multis were
present throughout,they were also in the realms of basic too,but then this isn't an
easy challenge to pull off,and beens you went with the same sounding vowels rather
than multi syllable course,i thought the basic route was a safe route to take here,i
also thought you had a cool story progression cracking off as well,i could almost
feel his despair at his situation,plus the short lines made this a pacey and brisk
read on the whole,nice piece..



Ridley..

OK like Rhet you also went with the basic multi scheme as such,what i did like is the placement of the multis,came off as random really which isn't a bad thing,you too had some nice imagery popping also,the tale is like a father like son venture,and as time
progresses he actually becomes his dad to an extent,i got visions of The Shining whilst
reading only to find out at the end it was centred around the Bates Motel,classic with an
unexpected twist to close out on,right to the wire as they say,i also thought your story
progression also like Rhet's was solid too,nice read..


Overall not an easy tussle to call an out and out winner here,both pieces had merit
attached to them,but after reading both verses 3 times each (no lie),i'm going to go
with Rid's,here's why,he's verse just seemed better fleshed out,and that's all it boils
down to,that's the only thing i could read and use to separate you both,(lame i know,
but this is really an even sort of Steven battle),props to both..


Vote..Ridley Squat..peace.
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance".
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 November 2018 at 3:49pm
::reserve for feed later tonight::


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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 May 2019 at 11:35am
Win Rid's,due to length of time this has been sitting around.
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance".
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