Text Battle Archive: [BAE] Ridley Squat vs Rhetorical |
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
Topic: [BAE] Ridley Squat vs Rhetorical Posted: 01 November 2018 at 6:03pm |
Verses Due by 11/9
Edited by rhetorical - 01 November 2018 at 6:33pm |
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
Posted: 01 November 2018 at 6:18pm |
Can a mod edit and have the due date 11/9?
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rhetorical
Site Moderator Joined: 14 February 2014 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 807 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-0 Form: WWL |
Posted: 10 November 2018 at 2:07am |
'The Traveling Salesman' |
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Ridley Squat
Street Team Joined: 20 November 2015 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 830 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 9-6-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Posted: 10 November 2018 at 3:59am |
It's a 'Sign ... of the Times' ... on a mast that can't support its weight And even freshly painted, looked more classy in its former days I spent my childhood here, because my father runs this sordid place I guess this is the 'Bad Sign' that I started under ... born and raised That awkward age, from nought to 8, I'd lark and run the halls all day I'd barter Trumps of 'Sporting Greats' with cards all scuffed and corners frayed Acting on my own ... I'm in a cast of one ... the smallest play Which never bothered me, cos I'm ... 'The Fastest Gun In All The States!' The only folk I'd talk to were the tarts upon their walk of shame So I told them when they fornicate that half the fun was caught on tape! I saw dad go to prison, as I chart his sudden fall from grace But let's not dwell where fault is laid, or ask to shun apportioned blame Now twenty more years later, and I'm fast becoming all I hate I'm the jack of Nothing, and I've mastered None of all the trades So I make my way back home, in the calmness once the storm abates To the emptiness of being in the arms of such a warm embrace Suddenly I'm hard as if I've glanced upon the Gorgon's face All the walls are bleeding and the gardens one enormous grave. I'm ready to succeed him, in the part that I was born to play The one they never speak of ... I'm the bastard son of Norman Bates |
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
Posted: 10 November 2018 at 6:17pm |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. OK lets get this.. Rhet.. So your tale is about a salesman who's seems to be stuck in a groundhog day scenario,bored and just going through the motions of his everyday life,where one motel bleeds into the next with little variety/scenery to stimulate him,(poor fucker),you had some real nice imagery within this verse too,like the fogging of Windows whilst droplets of rain hit the reverse side,and although the multis were present throughout,they were also in the realms of basic too,but then this isn't an easy challenge to pull off,and beens you went with the same sounding vowels rather than multi syllable course,i thought the basic route was a safe route to take here,i also thought you had a cool story progression cracking off as well,i could almost feel his despair at his situation,plus the short lines made this a pacey and brisk read on the whole,nice piece.. Ridley.. OK like Rhet you also went with the basic multi scheme as such,what i did like is the placement of the multis,came off as random really which isn't a bad thing,you too had some nice imagery popping also,the tale is like a father like son venture,and as time progresses he actually becomes his dad to an extent,i got visions of The Shining whilst reading only to find out at the end it was centred around the Bates Motel,classic with an unexpected twist to close out on,right to the wire as they say,i also thought your story progression also like Rhet's was solid too,nice read.. Overall not an easy tussle to call an out and out winner here,both pieces had merit attached to them,but after reading both verses 3 times each (no lie),i'm going to go with Rid's,here's why,he's verse just seemed better fleshed out,and that's all it boils down to,that's the only thing i could read and use to separate you both,(lame i know, but this is really an even sort of Steven battle),props to both.. Vote..Ridley Squat..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
Posted: 13 November 2018 at 3:49pm |
::reserve for feed later tonight::
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
Posted: 25 May 2019 at 11:35am |
Win Rid's,due to length of time this has been sitting around.
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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