Open Mic: Battle of the mind

 Post Reply Post Reply
Author
Slips_138 View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 27 June 2014
Location: Ohio
Status: Offline
Points: 157

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 1-2-0
Form: LLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Slips_138 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Battle of the mind
    Posted: 19 September 2017 at 1:38am
I haven't been on here in forever but I wrote this song today and wanted to post it on here to get some feedback.

Hook:
Am I enough now-
Am I enough now-
Just sitting back wondering if I'm enough now-
Should I do this, should I do that-
I'm always wondering is it right now- (right now) :
Verse 1:
So I lay back and wonder what should I do-
Should I do this, should I do that-
Is it wrong, is it right-
In my head there's a battle every single night-
Just picking and eating, tryna start a fight-
I'm starting to think that I might just quit-
Cuz the way that I'm going I will lose my shit-
I just blare music so I don't have to think-
Cuz the things that I think will drive me to the brink-
As I sit on this ledge, with my feet off the edge-
Thinking I might jump, got this vision in my head-
Of me laying in my bed with my arms across my chest-
Laying their lifeless, the vision is death-
Would anybody care, would it cross they mind-
Like all of this happened in the blink of an eye-
Or would they look to a God somewhere in the sky-
Just screaming and yelling wondering why-
Now I'm back to reality, I stand up look around-
I'm just fighting my demons going round for round-
It's a battle I could win but I probably wont-
People say they will help but they usually don't-
I will keep fighting as long as I got strength-
I'm getting weaker and weaker, not much remains-

Hook:
Am I enough now-
Am I enough now-
Just sitting back wondering if I'm enough now-
Should I do this, should I do that-
I'm always wondering is it right now- (right now)

Verse 2:
This battle that I fight is like running up a hill-
The pain is unbearable I might have to take a pill-
All it does is numb, it doesn't ever go away-
It just sits in the back, in the darkness of the shade-
I'm driving down this road, I think I just blacked out-
Crashed my car into a ditch hit my head, knockout-
At least the pain is gone, but just temporarily-
Now who's thankful for a crash, most people are scared to see-
What happens when they go right into that left lane-
Into a head on collision the thought drives them insane-
But to me, it's a sigh of relief-
I know it sounds crazy and hard to believe-
That a near death experience could take away the hurt-
But these thoughts that harrass me, make me feel worse-
It's like grabbing a knife and pulling out the blade-
Putting it against the skin, every single day-
Making cuts an inch deep hoping no one will notice-
Cuz they'll think differently of me if I tell them I'm hopeless-
Cuz I need to just talk, but nobodies their-
I need someone to listen, but they don't wanna hear-
What I have to say, they don't give a fuck-
I guess I'll just give up, it don't matter anymore-
I can't eat, I can't sleep and I always feel sore-
I'm falling through this darknesss, straight into a pit-
I'm starting to think, this really is it-
It's the start to an end, the begining to a finish-
The battle in my mind, I swear to God I'm neever winning-
So all I'm really doing, is beating myself up-
Cuts they just heal, bruises they swell up-
I guess I'm just fed up-
With this battle of the mind, day in and day out-
The demons try to stay in, but I'm telling them GET OUT-
Time to put an end to this battle of the mind now-
Put a bullet to the motherfuckers let it off like POW....-
Am I enough now-
Am I enough now-
Just sitting back wondering if I'm enough now-
Should I do this, should I do that-
I'm always wondering is it right now- (right now) :
Back to Top
spume corrupt View Drop Down
Superior Member
Superior Member
Avatar

Joined: 27 April 2011
Location: UK
Status: Offline
Points: 3162
Crew: Lyricist Inc.

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 20-7-1
Form: WLWLLL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote spume corrupt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 September 2017 at 7:30pm
Welcome back homie
Gotta be honest here, I don't remember any of your old stuff...
So this was a lengthy read without any real standout moments or Wow factor, but it was not trash...
Some of the rhyming was nice despite being a bit basic and you did stay true to the concept/vibe very well
At times you did string two or three bars together really well and def had some good imagery coming through
Here's one such example that I thought worked well........
"As I sit on this ledge with my feet of the edge
Thinking I might jump, I see a vision in my head
Of me laying in my bed arms crossed over my chest
Lifeless I've grown colder because I'm living but I'm dead"
That was decent, Note I did change it a bit, mainly to show you how it could have been improved....Too many word repeated in a short space is usually not a good look..
So it was a good effort bro and a decent read, it's clear that with more practice and exposure you have potential to pen some dope work..
As a song it def needed some more experience, just looking at the different line lengths in the verses to start with and thinking how could that work on a beat? How would you arrive at the chorus at the right time? Generally it's gonna be 16 or 32 lines in a verse especially if the work has a repeating hook...
So think about structure more if you enjoy writing songs and try writing to a beat.......
Anyway bro that's just some take it or leave it friendly advice, but the best advice would be to check our some work from experienced heads in the community and comment on there work, it's the respectful thing to do and will probably garner you some more feedback and advice

Keep writing fam




Back to Top
Slips_138 View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 27 June 2014
Location: Ohio
Status: Offline
Points: 157

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 1-2-0
Form: LLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Slips_138 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 September 2017 at 7:34pm
Thanks man I appreciate the feed. Ill definitely check out other people's stuff and give feedback to them.
Back to Top
Macdad View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 04 October 2017
Status: Offline
Points: 40
Crew: Pending
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Macdad Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 October 2017 at 1:28pm
Yeah man it was solid for sure but I agree with it being a bit basic, but I would rather see something solid and consistent like this rather than something so over done its hard to follow. Good work bro. Keep on keeping on!
Bozzzwell
Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down