Forum LockedText Battle Archive: [BL4] TOPICAL TWIST!! Self v Endeavour (2-4)

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Direct Link To This Post Topic: [BL4] TOPICAL TWIST!! Self v Endeavour (2-4)
    Posted: 26 July 2017 at 8:58pm
BLOODLINES 4 Presents:

Endeavour vs Self Activate
For the right to challenge winner of OM King for shot at Topical Title

Rules
32 line max
Due Midnight Sun 6th August*
Best of 7 votes
OR
Default voting rules if above not achieved within 7 days of final verse submission

Topic:

Being a serial killer

Let's twist again, mother fuckers!!

* Contact me within 24hrs if deadline is not feasible and I will extend</span>


Edited by Cuba - 14 August 2017 at 8:33pm
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 July 2017 at 8:59pm

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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 July 2017 at 10:41pm
Lol this is shits about to be lit. Good look, E.

OAN

I'm positive I'm gonna need a 3 day extension. My brother just touched down to visit for a week. I'm not gonna have any time to write while he's here.

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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 July 2017 at 6:33am
Oh boy...
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 July 2017 at 2:53pm
Baby we're all flesh, it happens that you're unseasoned
Untreated and in need of a beating. Flip you over and then repeat it
I like my meat soft and bleeding, medium in the core
Slightly burned exterior anything else ain't pleasing
To my yearning appetite, I promise it'll be a classic night
If I eat you now, we'll still dine together in the afterlife
Those ain't the words but they fit the mood if I sing em, right?
Love in between the candlelights. Stop the screams, I'm not asking twice.
The others are insignificant... tiny specs of fecal matter
But you... oh you still perfect when Eden shattered
The light that makes demons scatter, a whisper that halts a legions chatter...
And it so happens that tonight... tonight I'm the maddest hatter
An inverted smile on my face Alice, can you hear the saddest laughter?
It's been a long road and I had tea parties with many before you
Stop looking with big eyes, Margaret. I adore you
I'm keen to do you right, trust me... I implore you
Please stop begging, you're a queen not one of the  whores who
I had to go through to be able to find you... its lovely ain't it?
To be the main course but you'll have to be patient
There are knocks on the door and there weren't  reservations
Surely they know we're busy and got the address mistaken
Just few more seconds of waiting and you'll get to be catered
On my plate with your delicious flavor over my grey beard
I'm waving off the visitors, "no officer I'm not intoxicated
And not the person you're looking for, I promise. See you later.
I'm back, Cercei. Shame on you because you're not that tough"
Then grabbed the knife and push... comes to shove...


"Oh I completely forgot... send the others my love..."

Edited by Endeavor - 31 July 2017 at 4:14pm
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 August 2017 at 9:12pm


STRANGE FRUIT BURNING

I will never forget the crackling sound that old vinyl made
It reminded me of firewood battling a slow burning flame
As the needle raked ... deep in between its groves
And Billie Holiday ... gave meaning to the Blues
"Blood on the leaves and blood on the root"
She so elegantly cooed; while the music played
And echoed thru the room, I could smell a trace
Of a beautiful perfume and in a subtle way
It reminded me of Sue: this gentle runway

Circa 1992

I took her to the movies on a chilly Wednesday afternoon
'A River Runs Through It' was the film we went to view
... A beauty in full bloom with a baby in the womb ...
... At the age of 18 she had a bosom like balloons ...
Same as ladies in saloons; tho the graceful way she moved
You'd mistake her for a muse ... she was radiant as Luna
With a face to wake the Moon! Could not wait to taste her fruit
So I strung her from a noose then watched her struggle & turn blue
Until the air escaped her lungs and she just dangled in the nude!

"There's a rapist on the loose and he strangled Mary Sue!"

Exclaimed the papers and the news
But I was half across the nation when their station got a clue
Tho the strangest twist of faith now finds me chained with no escape
Cos the baby in her womb had survived without a scrape
And for 25 years she fantasied about the day
That our destinies would meet and she could see me face-to-face

"Its been 2 decades in the making let's enjoy this fatal date!
From the "Cradle To The Grave" takes new meaning in this case.
See I traced your every play and every murder that you made,
I learned your motives and your ways, until you surfaced in L.A.
Where I met you at a bar and spiked your bourbon with nightshade.
I would urge you say a prayer but only serpents know your name..."


Were the last words I heard before she burnt me in a blaze!




Edited by Cuba - 13 August 2017 at 11:59pm
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 August 2017 at 3:42pm

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Endeez..

Like the direction in which you ran with here,a person who has a prefound sense of
Cannibal tendencys,the talk of the preparation of flesh as if a steak was a nice touch
as it added a layer of depth to the scenario,all the while your character was gaining
equal delight on eating,like the flesh was fine cuisine,then there was the references
via a inter-dimensional time hopper Alice In Wonderland and Co,i thought these to be
woven in real well also it fitted the subtle imagery you laced his piece with,even the
brief interruption of the police was told well,the ending was pleasing but abrupt really,
Although i liked it,gave the sense that he cleared his plate and had his fill,and the
critique of the toughness of the flesh was creative and (pardon the pun) well done
here,shit even the description of silencing her was nicely played also,i feel this could easily become a series like Blood And Bondage was,a real real nice read that was more
in the realm pleasing a desire and prefrence rather than all out carnage,as the s/killers
character had an air of confidence that was projected via the imagery,i had thoughts
of Hanibal Lector on reading,solid read..



SELF..

Wow that intro was very vivid your imagery is on point here,your rhyme was also easily
digested on reading which made the piece a pacey read,also had a subtle poetic-ness
entow which stood up and out,you managed to say an awful lot here as the picture the
reader gets from it fills in the details you provoke for them,clever writing i thought,the
Storyline was also engaging and your similes although simple were fresh and subtle also,(loved the Muse bar),the unborn child gaming revenge after a couple of decades
was a solid way to close out too,Powerful and just is what my take is here,and the
rhyme scheme was also a highlight in its own right,and even the title plays a solid part
when the reader finishes the verse,it's so apt,the mother hanging as if fruit from a tree
and the mother producing seeds via the unborn child as fruit would was a solid metaphor,in fact is so good its the best i've seen in a long while,a very pleasing and
enjoyable verse,(and pardon the pun) ripe work..


Overall this was a solid read from both,and in all honesty I enjoyed them both too,i do
have a winner though and that was SELF here's why,I found his verse more compelling
and engaging,it was fluent on so many levels really,Endeez your offering was solid no
b/shit,just SELF pulled the stops out here with a (pardon the pun again),peach of an
offering,seriously guys props for bringing this level of entertainment here..


Vote...SELF..peace.

"You need to learn how to make an exit,before you can make an entrance".
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 August 2017 at 1:21am
uploading.
#Bananas
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 August 2017 at 10:29am

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Endeezo:


Baby we're all flesh, it happens that you're unseasoned
Untreated and in need of a beating. Flip you over and then repeat it

calm down Dizz.

I like my meat soft and bleeding, medium in the core
Slightly burned exterior anything else ain't pleasing
To my yearning appetite, I promise it'll be a classic night
If I eat you now, we'll still dine together in the afterlife
Those ain't the words but they fit the mood if I sing em, right?

I think so. yeah. perhaps. its a good question tho.


Love in between the candlelights. Stop the screams, I'm not asking twice. 
The others are insignificant... tiny specs of fecal matter
But you... oh you still perfect when Eden shattered

you a domestic violence case waitin to happen. that eden bar the bees knees.


The light that makes demons scatter, a whisper that halts a legions chatter...
And it so happens that tonight... tonight I'm the maddest hatter 
An inverted smile on my face Alice, can you hear the saddest laughter?
It's been a long road and I had tea parties with many before you

bro, imma keep it a bill. telling a girl shes number 74 aint gonna make her swoon.


Stop looking with big eyes, Margaret. I adore you
I'm keen to do you right, trust me... I implore you
Please stop begging, you're a queen not one of the  whores who
I had to go through to be able to find you... its lovely ain't it?
To be the main course but you'll have to be patient
There are knocks on the door and there weren't  reservations

I hate unreserved knocking.


Surely they know we're busy and got the address mistaken
Just few more seconds of waiting and you'll get to be catered 
On my plate with your delicious flavor over my grey beard

that last line tho? family.

I'm waving off the visitors, "no officer I'm not intoxicated
And not the person you're looking for, I promise. See you later.
I'm back, Cercei. Shame on you because you're not that tough"
Then grabbed the knife and push... comes to shove...


"Oh I completely forgot... send the others my love..."


you ended that like a master.




Self Congratulate:



I will never forget the crackling sound that old vinyl made
It reminded me of firewood battling a slow burning flame
As the needle raked ... deep in between its groves 
And Billie Holiday ... gave meaning to the Blues
"Blood on the leaves and blood on the root"
She so elegantly cooed; while the music played 
And echoed thru the room, I could smell a trace
Of a beautiful perfume and in a subtle way 
It reminded me of Sue: this gentle runway


well.. whats cooler than being cool? being cooed.

Circa 1992

I took her to the movies on a chilly Wednesday afternoon 
'A River Runs Through It' was the film we went to view
... A beauty in full bloom with a baby in the womb ...
... At the age of 18 she had a bosom like balloons ...
Same as ladies in saloons; tho the graceful way she moved
You'd mistake her for a muse ... she was radiant as Luna 
With a face to wake the Moon! Could not wait to taste her fruit

somewhere theres a nicolas cage joke… hopefully you dont take her face off first.


So I strung her from a noose then watched her struggle & turn blue 
Until the air escaped her lungs and she just dangled in the nude! 

the fuck. that first line has wicked wordplacement but a naughty message.

"There's a rapist on the loose and he strangled Mary Sue!"

Exclaimed the papers and the news
But I was half across the nation when their station got a clue
Tho the strangest twist of faith now finds me chained with no escape
Cos the baby in her womb had survived without a scrape 
And for 25 years she fantasied about the day 
That our destinies would meet and she could see me face-to-face 

"Its been 2 decades in the making let's enjoy this fatal date!
From the "Cradle To The Grave" takes new meaning in this case.
See I traced your every play and every murder that you made,
I learned your motives and your ways, until you surfaced in L.A.
Where I met you at a bar and spiked you bourbon with nightshade. 
I would urge you say a prayer but only serpents know your name..."

Were the last words I heard before she burnt me in a blaze!

solid plot twist.. I can rock with this "justice"




well.. yall might need to give a therapist a ring and share these verses. yall mothafuckas need jesus.

anywhom. both were good. both had some really cool/clever shit given the topic. I hate it gotta come to this cause yall some real mothafuckin G's... but it do. somebody gotta win right?

imma lean endeeze… and in the words of the other homie Crim: "heres why"

I felt that stylistically, Self was on a god damn rampage. his word usage, the way that everything is measured, when he delivers food for thought, its full flavored. Sometimes tho, it gets away from him... the hanging sequence in particular.. I felt was just cause.. the narrative works. the usage of exclaim was done amazingly well…but when you couple it with the above sequence.. which was really dark and couldve been a key highlight really.. it became light and fun in a sense. felt abrupt. felt like auto pilot. but thats why Self is my spirit animal, you aint gotta fly if you is fly.


now as far as End-it-All-or-Else… I felt he started really slow. it came off as really him trying to conceptualize the narrative he was going to take. being the Prince JR of Food Bars.. I think was the vibe initially, he was going to write as if it was just a food joint and throw a swerve.. which im glad he didnt. as it built, it got more intriguing. "Style Wise".. I think it would take alot to ever top Self.. but I felt as your story became more story.. I felt invited to the feast, no pun.. and I liked that.

so overall, I think Self let up towards the end and then *drum roll* end came through in the end with his end. the end.


vote = Endeeze.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 August 2017 at 4:22am

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Endeavour

Man for writing about being a serial killer that was bizarrely beautiful
I liked the way you romanticized the passion for flesh

"Baby we're all flesh, it happens that you're unseasoned
Untreated and in need of a beating. Flip you over and then repeat it
I like my meat soft and bleeding, medium in the core"

The character you're describing is soft and nice, yet has that violent streak in him
Which is obvious given the topic but you do hide it well

" To my yearning appetite, I promise it'll be a classic night
If I eat you now, we'll still dine together in the afterlife
Those ain't the words but they fit the mood if I sing em, right?
Love in between the candlelights. Stop the screams, I'm not asking twice."

The flow was excellent and the use of inner rhymes to transition into a new
Scheme was great

"It's been a long road and I had tea parties with many before you
Stop looking with big eyes, Margaret. I adore you
I'm keen to do you right, trust me... I implore you
Please stop begging, you're a queen not one of the  whores who
I had to go through to be able to find you... its lovely ain't it?"

Not sure if you fell trap to the "you" end rhyme or if this was an intentional ploy to show the short circuitry in the killers mind.


All around nice piece and the ending tied it together well playing the "serial killer" topic


Self


Fuck
This was good as fuck


Holy shit
K
First off that imagery was real
"I will never forget the crackling sound that old vinyl made
It reminded me of firewood battling a slow burning flame
As the needle raked ... deep in between its groves"

Man, I got a fireplace in my house and forever more, the crackling sound will be the firewood battling a slow flame.,
When I have children that's legit what I'll tell them and they'll look at me wide eyed and amazed like "wow" like I just dropped the universe on them.

Moving on...

"And echoed thru the room, I could smell a trace
Of a beautiful perfume and in a subtle way
It reminded me of Sue: this gentle runway"

And this is where we get started, it's a special Kind of crazy to become a serial killer, and the reminiscence of your character fits perfectly, the faint scent of a perfume brings memories of murders. Insane, yet brilliant theme

"With a face to wake the Moon! Could not wait to taste her fruit
So I strung her from a noose then watched her struggle & turn blue"

I really like this concept. Imagery of hanging fruit from a tree, and tasting her forbidden fruit while hanging her.. like fresh picked blueberries hanging off a bush(blue) or picking apples off a tree

The courtesy to bold the last stanza is really chivalrous to the reader.
And as well I read that whole last first in perfect tempo, flow and rhythm. As if someone was having a conversation with me in my head.
That was so smooth!


And again, the serial killer theme is brought to life in the end having the daughter say
"..every murder that you made"




MVGT

So I had to go back and read each again because I eachtime I read one or the other my vote swayed.
Each story was beautiful
But I have to go with SELF his use of imagery, and story was undeniable, it hooked me, the twist at the end was great, as well I gotta give credit to the man who gives my future children a story about why fire crackles! Lol

Endeavour, it wasn't necessarily a technical or lack of skill that took this win from you in my opinion, your verse was brilliantly written as well and leads me to believe you're a strange person yourself lol, but self to me won on efficiency, his use of words, lines, and sometimes bars created a very reader friendly piece


Bravo to both




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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 August 2017 at 9:18pm

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Endev-

First of all...my muthahfukin gawd!! That shit was just sharp. The setting...the mood...the imagery...shit you was probably cheezin after the proof read cuz you were in the zone with this. I felt like I was actually in the mind of a killer. The way you rationalized his every move was exciting. The way you kept his adrenalin low and excecuted his purpose without anger or bitterness was just nothin short of a well thought out script. Hats off. This is one of the cleanest excecuted topicals Ive seen in a while. I encourage everyone to take another dive into this classic.

Self...
You are easily in my top 5 all around writers here. I love the way you jump back n forth thru time in your pieces. However this, as well executed as it is, just didn't come off as well as Endevs. Reason being Endev was just in the zone. The jump thru time just left a pause in the momentum. Endevs kept the anticipation high. On a pure technical level I would definitley go with yours for the fact that your knowledge and views are vast and it shows. You seem to have a galactic "Watcher" type of insight on things that allow you to vision future and past events in unison.

Overall...Endev just held my thought process in a single moment in time and never let go. Good job both.

Mvgt Endev

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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 August 2017 at 1:01pm

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End - Damn bro I loved your verse. There really isn't much critique for improvement I can give on it. Reading your verse you did a terrific job of setting the reader in the mindset of your character. The imagery and emotional aspect was sound. Lines like "we'll still dine together in the afterlife", "It's been a long road and I had tea parties with many before you", and pretty much the whole ending really set the tone for this verse to be successful in the mind of the serial killer. Detail was outstanding too, "tiny specs of fecal matter" into the Eden line. It was really outstanding use of figurative language. All Technically sound, Great verse for this battle. 

Self - Another outstanding verse for this battle. Imagery and Description were the best aspect of this verse. Billie Holidae tone was perfect to set off the opening section in the verse. The way you painting the setting, actions and the scene of the second verse phenomenal. To the Circa, the Film, the Age.. then onto the imagery of the strangling from the noose. It was like reading a page straight from a murder mystery book. The ending was fitting although, I thought it could have been a bit more on the spectacular spectrum than it was. Maybe because of the line limit you felt a bit limited in that aspect. However, even with that said, this was another magnificent topical battle verse. 

MVGT: Endeeze - I assumed before I read the verse that this would be the battle of preference and opinions. I knew there wouldn't be any mistakes and both were going to drop outstanding verses. If only this is what we could have seen in the final of IC2, if ya'll hadn't no showed. Who knows? My vote was to Endeeze because I felt that sense of dark emotion with his character. With Self, it was as if I was watching from the outside. Which is not to say thats a bad thing at all. I just connected with End's character and because of that it made the overall topical more enjoyable throughout it. 
Go my Minions!


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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 August 2017 at 1:33pm

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Endeavour :

""Baby we're all flesh, it happens that you're unseasoned
Untreated and in need of a beating. Flip you over and then repeat it
I like my meat soft and bleeding, medium in the core
Slightly burned exterior anything else ain't pleasing""

|| I found this intro humorous. I loved it. The predator first identifies with the prey and secondly differentiates...lol sick bustard. Great imagery on his choice of prey too. Im really digging this !||


""To my yearning appetite, I promise it'll be a classic night
If I eat you now, we'll still dine together in the afterlife""


|| personification on his appetite i like that. Personally this is a bar to remember . I mean its like this motherfcker is also anticipating his own death... Lol i donno but this is jus some interesting bar... ||


""Those ain't the words but they fit the mood if I sing em, right?
Love in between the candlelights. Stop the screams, I'm not asking twice.
The others are insignificant... tiny specs of fecal matter
But you... oh you still perfect when Eden shattered
The light that makes demons scatter, a whisper that halts a legions chatter...""


|| the story proceeds well with great imagery. I'm able to see the victim's reaction to the situation. Good writing here ||

The rest of the verse :

|| A long session of the psychopath's mad talking lol i like how he handles the officer at the door. Good ending ||


Versus

Self :

""I will never forget the crackling sound that old vinyl made
It reminded me of firewood battling a slow burning flame
As the needle raked ... deep in between its groves
And Billie Holiday ... gave meaning to the Blues""

|| Good imagery of the crackling sound and how u further describe it to the burning firewood. I liked that. Good intro ||


"""Blood on the leaves and blood on the root"
She so elegantly cooed; while the music played
And echoed thru the room, I could smell a trace
Of a beautiful perfume and in a subtle way
It reminded me of Sue: this gentle runway""


|| Great wording along with descriptive writing. It just reawakens the atmosphere of that precious time ||

""Circa 1992

I took her to the movies on a chilly Wednesday afternoon
'A River Runs Through It' was the film we went to view
... A beauty in full bloom with a baby in the womb ..
... At the age of 18 she had a bosom like balloons ...
Same as ladies in saloons; tho the graceful way she moved
You'd mistake her for a muse ... she was radiant as Luna
With a face to wake the Moon! Could not wait to taste her fruit""

|| The way you potray her beauty here is speechless. This is my favorite section of the entire story. I read this couple of times cause it just flow great and yep the imagey does kick ass ||


""So I strung her from a noose then watched her struggle & turn blue
Until the air escaped her lungs and she just dangled in the nude! ""

||Man, all of a sudden such a ruthless act lol i like how this feeling fights the previous one. Unexpected ||

The rest of the verse :

||Interesting ending. I did enjoy||


Final verdict :

It's honestly tough. I honestly big up their descriptive writing game. I felt Self had a stronger pen but the ending kinda let my expectations down a little

Hence based on an more captivating story from Start to Finish i vote

Endev


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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 August 2017 at 2:04pm
Endeeze wins 4-2, great work gentlemen
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