Open Mic: Bottom Feeder

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DressToKill View Drop Down
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    Posted: 22 February 2017 at 2:35am
I stood frozen in shock, as the blood flowed on the cloth
On the bed, his eyes met mine but his looked broken and lost
I knelt down by his side inside felt nothing but loathing and hate
Screamed "FUCK YOU" and delt the final blow to his face
My mother stood...motionless, simply motioned for me to go
I dropped the blade and put on my shoes before my feet hit the snow
The whole police fleet was creeping in, but they'd never reach me though
Because if you never fear death then you're in complete control
I weaved like a shadow between the houses, they concealed my visage
Confident that I knew the truth would in the end reveal the image
Of the monster that had woven his way in between the linens
On the bed of lies which he laid beside before I screamed "GOOD RIDDANCE"
I seen it in the distance, the bridge surrounded by the frozen lake
Out of breath I climbed over the railing, wispered an oath of faith
Closed my eyes, jumped..broken through to an icey tomb
A martyr donating the soul back to the world in which this life consumed
A search and rescue team retrieved me, the corner preformed the autopsy
The pictures were released from the tattoos that I had formed on my body
I had listed many names row by row, all matched to an address
The tattoos covered my entire back and then my chest
It was basically the whole entire missing womens directory
Though they were still confused how this all had effected me
Until they saw a marking hid up under my bottom lip
It identified the profile online that my father had logged on with
He'd capture young women who had responded to an add in the paper
Drug them in house and force me to violently rape em
His collection of videos spanned for miles of memory
But his outer appearance made it impossible to profile the enemy
We'd dispose of the bodies by roping them up in carpets
Dumping them off the bridge with bricks to prevent a floating carcass
Feeding the disgusting habits of demons across the earth
So I collected the licences after retrieving each tossed out purse
My self loathing made me obsess with gaining forgiveness
So I joined them down below and cleansed the remaining sickness
I am a bottom feeder






The original comeback kid
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Sammy View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sammy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 February 2017 at 9:31pm
Very nice. Flow was crisp. A couple grammatical errors (I counted two) but nothing to detract from the strength of the piece. So I take it this dude killed himself from guilt, i guess? Before his death he would tattooed clues of his victim to atone for his crime that was forced on him by his father? I think that's the plot lol. May have lacked a bit on character development but overall an enjoyable tale that deserves more feed


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote DressToKill Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 February 2017 at 10:19pm
Originally posted by Sammy Sammy wrote:

Very nice. Flow was crisp. A couple grammatical errors (I counted two) but nothing to detract from the strength of the piece. So I take it this dude killed himself from guilt, i guess? Before his death he would tattooed clues of his victim to atone for his crime that was forced on him by his father? I think that's the plot lol. May have lacked a bit on character development but overall an enjoyable tale that deserves more feed

Yeah I take responsibility for the plot not unfolding the cleanest, felt a little scatter brained near the finish. I am not a topical head by any means

thanks for the feed
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote alicewonder Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 February 2017 at 11:30pm
I liked this a lot. Even though I'd have also liked to see some sort of character development to have a 'tangible' element to present, I thought the layered structure of the plot made for an overall interesting read. I wasn't too fond of the tattoo aspect tbh, as it didn't directly aid the progression of the story. But I can appreciate the detailed depiction. The narrative, overall, was really nice. Good work. 
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Amgin Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 February 2017 at 9:50pm
Painted a dark picture. Good story telling skills as well, being able to keep it together and still have flow I can appreciate
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