Open Mic: Breaking Free |
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
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Posted: 23 March 2017 at 8:33pm |
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...It's been a long day, I've only opened my eyes For breakfast I hate myself with total despise To my circle I'm a square.. more like an oval, I've tried To fit-in with friends but this-is my social disguise I mean one day the real me will glow to the guys But with this hangover I need Ibuprofen & fries Grab my coat & I drive, my attitude like 'Ye Flippin' off motorists with that "over it vibe" Last night placin' bets have my poker chips rise Drunk textin' my Ex with the soberest lies That I love her, I do but I'm broken inside She can't understand & cut emotionless ties Empty like my pockets my winnin' road took a dive I went all in when I should've folded the 5's I thought Lady Luck would surprise me.. But when that river flipped, I couldn't look alive That money would've lit a spark.. A way for me be free from all the "sin & dark" Thinkin' to myself that's a victims thought Positive breeds positive even if this is hard All this time I'm sittin' stopped at a green light Cars beepin' as I come back from my day dream life I gotta change even if things seem fine Motivated to be me for the eighteenth time Listenin' to the lyrics as my favorite music drifts Into my ears so clear, I'm gonna go through with it I'm gonna come out to everyone & tell the whole world Now the universe will know not only my old girl All the cryin' she's done like I don't know hurt "I'll love you no matter what" is just broke words She left when I needed her the most... Never forget her disgust, guess I didn't know her How should I do it? In person? Social media vent? To me, this is just me doesn't need to be an event I know how people are it'll be seen as a threat To acknowledge what they fear 'til it eats them death I'll make a video for Facebook covered with my soul My words on flashcards, one after another as a whole Picture, the pressure off my chest starts to breathe For the first time I can feel heart when it beats What a calming relief to break society made shackles This is a pebble in my life watch as the waves travel The confidence I felt is deeper then a fake swagger Cuz I know from here nothing will be the same after I pull the last card out in slow motion it happened So far I was perfect but now my emotion is crackin' I look down, back up & smile with my biggest fear As the card reads "I know I look like her" Pointin' at my heart... "but I am a Him in here" Edited by iLL ScriptureZ - 23 March 2017 at 8:38pm |
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rhetorical
Site Moderator Joined: 14 February 2014 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 807 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-0 Form: WWL |
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the imagery in this written is really something to behold here my man. every line had something to offer, and consistency was on point. Its hard to open with some shit like
. . . while keeping that momentum building and at the same level but thats exactly what you did here man. The wording was clean and simply matched the tone and atmosphere of this piece to a T bro. The transitions were smooth as butter. Specifically going into that last verse. .
***A Big Rick Flair WHOOOOOOOOOOOO*** You killed it fam. .
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Endeavor
Senior Moderator Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
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You caught me at the "oval" line, bro. One of my favorite lines from Joe Budden is "a tight circle turns into an oval." This line, unique in its own way, gave me that feel which Joey Cupcakes did. So that's fire.
Ibuprofen line I wasn't feeling that much but they you come with the "soberest lies" line. You continue the trend of dopeness through the rest of the first verse. The second verse you reallllyyyy caught my attention. It has an atmosphere of urgency and the flow contributes to that. I actually started to read faster as I went further through that section. Third verse just flawless man. You're also on my list of favorites on here. I just keep doing you dirty by promising feedback and not delivering. My bad Homie! The way that third verse progresses and is worded is nothing short of amazing. Awesome work, man! |
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#Bananas
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
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Thanks Rhet I appreciate the feedback
Endeeze, all good man. Appreciate the compliment and I really tried to make the piece progress in three 16's. It was a nice 30min write up about a different topic.
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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aite this one is for the book. i need to make an Elision archive thread to put all the dope pieces in. this would certainly qualify.
you pretty much mastered the short line style. the rhythm's calculated with such precision. def recall notable members such as Self and Chain who can do that shit like its nothing. again, i feel to pull that off, you have to have a very strong inherent understanding of rhythm. my fav thing about this verse was the little nuances. the poker bet. the slick "soberest lies" quip....it adds lots of character to the piece by offering details of the little things that writers often forget about as they are trying to compose something grand or epic. I prefer the little details and this was packed with them. my favorite piece of yours was that bermuda triangle piece from last year but this one certainly brought back memories of that piece with the little nuances scattered about. dope man.
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
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Thanks Sammy!
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Kiki Spirez
Superior Member Joined: 30 December 2008 Location: Chesterfield Status: Offline Points: 4374 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 68-26-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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This was beautiful man.
Away from the great topic, imagery and great confidence you show cased in doing it.. What stood out to me the most was how seemlessly it was written. However much you get in to a piece, whether it be bragging, emotional, story telling - At the end of the day, its success largely comes down to how authentic it feels. However invested you are, sometimes things do just occasionally read like, 'ah, he put that there cos it rhymes with the previous line'. But I was so immersed in it and didn't consider that for a second here, but everything flowed effortlessly. And it was one of those pieces where the first read I just enjoyed the basic story and riding the flow. Then a second read allowed me to catch all the little clever lines. This is impressive dude. My favourite bit was how you managed to present mundane life with such poetic freedom - But with this hangover I need Ibuprofen & fries Grab my coat & I drive, my attitude like 'Ye Flippin' off motorists with that "over it vibe" Last night placin' bets have my poker chips rise Drunk textin' my Ex with the soberest lies That I love her, I do but I'm broken inside
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
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Kiki always value you opinion friend.
Thanks,
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SELF ACTIVATE
Standard Member Joined: 05 February 2016 Location: Kemet Status: Offline Points: 1380 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
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Yeah, that was dope and well thought out.
3 words that have already been mentioned in previous feed come to mind: "progressive" & "subtle nuances". You excelled in executing both of those things flawlessly. And as I already stated it was very well throughout and constructed. Everything from daydreaming in traffic to mechanical body motions like looking up and down. Real simple implementations on a singular basis, but when read as a unit of ideas they add tremendous depth and dimension to your story (color & flesh to the narrative, if you will). Mechanically, you were near flawless with your rhymes and your diction. I think the first verse was my favorite. It had a real punchy feel to it. Almost every line was a set up to an impactful conclusion. The other two verse were dope as well and had strong flows and vivid visual moments as well as authentic emotions. The concept itself is a strange but brave one. I never thought about exploring the mind of a transgendered person. I like how you pulled it off free of political banter. Great jobs iLL. From the wording down to imagery this piece was top notch and then some. Peace... |
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Brotha Goose
Standard Member Joined: 07 July 2013 Location: San Diego, CA Status: Offline Points: 2318 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 10-10-0 Form: LWLWLL |
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Damn bro you really went in on this piece, it had a little bit of everything!
You're a pretty well rounded writer and your technique is damn near flawless. "I mean one day the real me will glow to the guys, But with this hangover I need Ibuprofen & fries. Grab my coat & I drive, my attitude like 'Ye, Flippin' off motorists with that "over it vibe." -This was nice! I really liked this lil bit as well..... "All this time I'm sittin' stopped at a green light, Cars beepin' as I come back from my day dream life." -Smooooooth All in all this was a very enJoyable read bro, your topical game is on point. I'll be watching out for your next drop. Edited by Brotha Goose - 28 March 2017 at 9:05pm |
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12327 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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Don't have that much time to feed right now...but since I seen you putting in a shit load of work in feeding others I wanted to make sure I commented. At least to bump if nothing else.
Mechanically I thought this was superb, effortless and smooth flow and some real top notch expression and phrasing. You have a real elegant style and approach. I think where I struggled was really grasping how the story layered/unfolded. Maybe it's just me and I'm bad at getting this type of thing these days (I seem to say similar things to guys like Endeeze!!) but I kind of got a bit lost in your beautiful descriptions to really get how the narrative was progressing. The other observation I'd make is, and I dunno how relevant this this, but I didn't really get how the image tied to the story. I'm making a bit of a leap here, but if it was a picture battle from another site I'd be a bit like "I don't really get how you got from the image to the verse"...i might be off base there, but it seemed like such an unusual image to go for when the story was about (& I dunno if I'm right here) a guy trapped inside a woman's body? Anyway, just my thoughts...maybe I need to read it again when I've got a clear head (if that ever happens these days!!) |
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The Rap Daemon
Standard Member Joined: 05 August 2015 Location: Purgatory Status: Offline Points: 1108 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-14-0 Form: LWLWWL |
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Hot damn. I can relate to this entire piece. Pretty much sums me right up. The raw emotion of this, a person going through a lot of struggles knowing he needs to be positive and move on from whatever messes he's in but being so deep in it he's always getting dragged further in, is brought out so well here.
Very simple, but that's all this needed to be, because everything connects well and it's so damn surreal to me. Great vibe, and I'm glad I've read this and I for sure will be reading it again because this is one of my favourite reads ever. Anyway, on a more technical standpoint though, only critique I could see myself to give is to work on the end rhymes a bit. Some of the syllables didn't match but it's not a major flaw and nothing else is wrong with this piece at all. Top work. |
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Faggot
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
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Self, Goose, Cuba, Rap.. thanks all for the feedback
Cuba, I agree the story has gaps. Also, the picture is in this case a person who is shelling off their fake exterior and becoming who they are. I agree the picture could be better. Rap, I think that's the first time someone told me my end rhymes needed work. Thanks man! |
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
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Sorry for the double post but @Cuba, you are close on the concept. It is about a lesbian girl who is left by her girlfriend bc she learned she wants to be herself, as a transgender male.
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