Open Mic: Broke As Fcuk |
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D-NoS
Groupie Joined: 10 October 2014 Location: UK-Wales Status: Offline Points: 207 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-6-0 Form: LLLLLL |
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Posted: 28 January 2019 at 6:23pm |
Might not look like it.. but I'm in pain aching had about as much as I cant take i'm not faking blood's boiling life's toil got me hating just about everything nothing can escape it I'm tearing my hair out but I ain't gonna stop there now Ill take both my eyeballs reach in my skull and pull my brain out slap it on the ground jump up onit like it was a tramp'oline i'm obscene getting obeese in the game taking over the scene I'm Desperate and I don't give two fucks about saying it Id feel ta Grab a Glock an walk down the street spraying it Life's shit anyway so why the hell I care about it I'll take ya house keys, car keys ya wife too an her jewelery's make no mistake it ain't personal its just business I'm sick n tired being broke thats why i'm doing this kinda hmm funny how finda rhyme ta contra-dict myself oh well sue me if you don't then I will do it myself I feel the evil stirring within me Ima be ya worst nightmare like my name was freddy Ain't in it for the money but I want some fucking money I'm broke as shit ..oops - did I say that already? Damn oh well too bad outta luck goin hell anyway so might as well give up fuck, I feel stuck, for real its too much Ima say goodbye for now an go smoke this roll up
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https://dnos.bandcamp.com
https://soundcloud.com/dnos_aka_dicey |
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rhetorical
Site Moderator Joined: 14 February 2014 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 807 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-0 Form: WWL |
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sup man, just dropping in to return feed
so im on my 3rd read through. it started out good. not that complex, but aggressive and had a really good flow. at around the 4th section it sort of started to deteriorate though. its like, you knew how to start the concept, got lost somewhere in the middle, then just said fuck it. . heres the closer lol. . basically im just saying that the tone and consistency should carry through from start to finish. if you do let off the gas a little the middle, i would at least be sure that it starts strong to pull the reader in, then ends strong to leave the reader walking away satisfied with what it built up too. if you get snagged up and not sure where your going with the verse. . .walk away for an hour or so. then come back and revisit it with a re-energized focus anyway, it was a basic topic. . but being broke af too at one point, i definitely know the feeling and relate to empty pockets and an empty stomach. id just like to see you take a little more time and get to 3rd or 4th gear in the next one. keep it up man
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