Open Mic: call my bluff

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   Yo, I want fame but I won't do everything to get it Keep my integrity intact like the cellophane on a pack of cigarettes.

Won't settle for anything less than the respect im given, it's eye for an eye thats how it was written, listen keep ya checks.

I don't need to be put in a position where I feel like I owe you for something ya missin, let me give you some context.

You know I'm livin in debt but I'll reject your hand outs with no regrets in a second no disrespect intended and not to mention.

That your censorship is offensive I know my actions have consequences but I thought words were free from oppression. 

Like a women dressed in a mini skirt i don't need any extra attention I flirt with death just to put life in perspective.

How you figure that a newbie is supposed to impress now I see why Dave moved to Africa over da stress and the press said.

That he was fucked in the head fighting depression and needed to be put on meds, he booked a flight instead.

It was the smartest thing he ever did, he chose respect over the bread some say he neglected his kids by not telling them.

But that ain't how it is, us real cats know sometimes ya gotta walk away in order to stay whole, listen ta Willie Nelson. 

That country bumpkin had a pretty decent message his lyrics weren't hidden,didnt always play the cards fate dealt em.      

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HI-Z Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 27 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 196 Crew: Alter Egos	Post Options Post Reply Quote HI-Z Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Topic: call my bluff Posted: 03 December 2016 at 1:03am
	Yo, I want fame but I won't do everything to get it Keep my integrity intact like the cellophane on a pack of cigarettes. Won't settle for anything less than the respect im given, it's eye for an eye thats how it was written, listen keep ya checks. I don't need to be put in a position where I feel like I owe you for something ya missin, let me give you some context. You know I'm livin in debt but I'll reject your hand outs with no regrets in a second no disrespect intended and not to mention. That your censorship is offensive I know my actions have consequences but I thought words were free from oppression. Like a women dressed in a mini skirt i don't need any extra attention I flirt with death just to put life in perspective. How you figure that a newbie is supposed to impress now I see why Dave moved to Africa over da stress and the press said. That he was fucked in the head fighting depression and needed to be put on meds, he booked a flight instead. It was the smartest thing he ever did, he chose respect over the bread some say he neglected his kids by not telling them. But that ain't how it is, us real cats know sometimes ya gotta walk away in order to stay whole, listen ta Willie Nelson. That country bumpkin had a pretty decent message his lyrics weren't hidden,didnt always play the cards fate dealt em.

Sammy Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2223 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Sammy Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 03 December 2016 at 5:19am
	this reminds me of those long bar pieces thats popular on another site. Overall, i like the message here. I believe its about selling ur soul(or more accurately DONT) or something to that effect. This style CAN work, but based on what i've seen when people do try this style, the multies has to be ON POINT. But i think ur certainly moving close to the right direction because there were semblance of inner rhyming which is better than just rambling until the end of the line. Like of the rhymes. "cigarettes" "keep ya checks" ha, dope! But yeah if u absolutely have to do the long bar, implement more multies and you'll def see the difference. Keep writing, Hi-Z!


HI-Z Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 27 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 196 Crew: Alter Egos	Post Options Post Reply Quote HI-Z Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 03 December 2016 at 4:18pm
	Hmm..."a semblance of inner rhymings",all right THANKS sammy Edited by HI-Z - 03 December 2016 at 4:40pm

S Dubb Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 03 December 2016 Location: Cincinnati Status: Offline Points: 404 Crew: Alter Egos Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-7-1 Form: LLLLNL	Post Options Post Reply Quote S Dubb Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 03 December 2016 at 10:22pm
	"That your censorship is offensive I know my actions have consequences but I thought words were free from oppression. Like a women dressed in a mini skirt i don't need any extra attention I flirt with death just to put life in perspective." ^^That was a solid bar, the metaphore was deep and the point was well put... Overall I feel this piece could of used a lot of work, other then the bars above I didn't really see anything else that really stood out to me... This was a decent verse, just there's room for improvement.... Your vocabulary is great and your flow is iffy, you got great potential to be a good artist, I'm looking forward to reading more of your work.... I'll rate this only a 6/10 though, like I said nothing really stood out and wowed me....

alicewonder Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Standard Member Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN	Post Options Post Reply Quote alicewonder Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 04 December 2016 at 2:19am
	I agree with Sammy here. Obviously if you go for the long-bar structure, the internals have to be emphasised thoroughly. Here, however, they were very subtle, like in the Willie Nelson segment. At some spaces you had more tangible ones. But I think if you incorporate multis it'll make for an overall smoother read. I've seen a few verses from you already, if I recall correctly, and I think this here is a nice improvement in terms of technicality, though. Content-wise, it was also rather nice with a few really interesting concepts, such as the 'words were free from oppression'. I thought that segment was nicely 'worded'. But you also had some more direct lines which seemed statement-ish, like the 'context' section in the beginning. It would be interesting to see you writing about one main topic with a consistent narrative. But I enjoyed the tone of this verse throughout. Decent work overall.