Open Mic: caught Between two different loves |
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daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
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Posted: 10 August 2017 at 5:08pm |
I wish i can show you the finer things in life
But i am torn between you, my kids and wife This isnt right wish it was you i kissed every single night.. We're tight, its not lust driving me to see you its the butterflies that squeeze through My wife would die inside if she knew I am stuck between two, i don't want to leave you i want to keep you but we knew that if we grew it was time to end relations So we must proceed to end this greatness take you out of the equation for my babies I cant take it, i wish we could have made it i hate this, the love i have for you, i couldn't fake it ill patiently wait for a future with you Ill continue to play house and deal with the issues if i knew at the end of it all i would be able to kiss you Live with you but i know that this thinking is wishful You shined light into my world like a crystal i write this with left hand and my right gripping a pistol If i cant have you, there is no middle My love for you is critical as this Cylindrical missile hits my throat Tell my family that my love for you is unforgivable |
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Sky Scrapur
Standard Member Joined: 21 October 2014 Status: Offline Points: 1133 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-1-0 Form: L |
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Damn. Well penned bro.
You so good with it you make it seem too easy. Great emotion and imagery. I liked this shit Dope. |
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The Rap Daemon
Standard Member Joined: 05 August 2015 Location: Purgatory Status: Offline Points: 1108 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-14-0 Form: LWLWWL |
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Man, I love this approach you made in this. Really made me view things from a different perspective.
Emotion and imagery obviously on point. A slightly different flow as well from what I usually see in your drops, which I liked a lot. Taking this twisted concept of love (love triangles and such) tends to lead to milked out shit, but this was fresh+dope, original and very believable thanks to the raw imagery and the emotion that stemmed from it. Nothing fancy, and that made it more real. Pure storytelling genius. |
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Faggot
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
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I thought I was going to agree with Raps feedbck after the first sentence but then I didn't. Reason: bc i dont view it from a different perspective. I viewed it from the one I've always seen this situation. The love triangle. It's nice to see the raw emotion and you kept true to it in your writing. Nothing with over the top multis and vocab. That part was very pure. Delivery and flow were spot on. Thought wording was good as well. Lastly, my favorite tie to this is literally being in two loves. Not just hittin for the sake of it but didnt want to leave the kids. Then in the end, they left everyone. Sad story.
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Paracosm
Newbie Joined: 16 August 2017 Status: Offline Points: 14 |
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Short and sweet ... Dope piece
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Macdad
Groupie Joined: 04 October 2017 Status: Offline Points: 40 Crew: Pending |
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Yeah I got the tingles while reading that.That's why I do this.
I felt every word that I read and was hooked. Props bro! |
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Bozzzwell
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spume corrupt
Superior Member Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3162 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
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The writing is top tier man, you have steadily and consistently elevated to the point you are now an outstanding writer
This was a great concept piece, your ability to portray any given situation is worthy of recognition.... One thing I will say and I mean this with no disrespect Obviously you are yet to be blessed with children of your own... I get the point about the pain of finding a love you can never have but to execute yourself when you you have the all engulfing love of a father Nah The ending fell off for me Keep up brother |
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Yeah you've done well here Dizzle,this was solid in flow and emotion,and the story
progression was played out well too,the concept of a love triangle was nice,i could in parts feel his torment torn between the two women,this verse was effortless to read also due to the short line approach,which heightened the tempo here,this is a well thought out and written piece on the whole,the ending was cool af,there isn't anything i didn't like about this,very enjoyable read my man,plus it makes a change from your usual subject matter of shock n awe,(which you also do well),nice drop...peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Who-Is-You?
Groupie Joined: 03 October 2017 Status: Offline Points: 89 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-0-0 Form: WW |
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This was alright.
The bad: The rhyming and vocab was quite simple. You said the same thing over a few times in different words. Therefore, the middle portion was mostly filler. The story was basically I love you but I have a wife and kids. Blam. Maybe could have utilized that middle portion with some more detail on why you love her so much to give the reader more retrospective and compassion for your love for her. You know, draw the reader in more. Make them feel for your pain. Right now it's like so: You are cheating on your wife and kids with some chick who you've fallen for. The reader doesn't have compassion for you at this point because you are a disloyal snake. And she is a homewrecker. So, go ahead, kill yourself. Do you need me to pull the trigger for you. But on the the other hand: awe hold up: this was your high school love who was forced to a different country years ago? And she has returned out of the blue and you realized you never stopped loving her? If there was an underlying story to grab the reader and earn their compassion, then it will be a masterpiece. Good: It had a small although expected ending. I mean, I didn't see the ending coming that way but i wasn't like Oh my God, he's gonna shoot himself?? I would have never thought!!! ... lol ..It just wasn't a surprising twist. But it did have a twist essentially. The rhyming was there. Internals and all, although it was very basic. Not bad all together. Stay up.
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