Open Mic: City of Angels |
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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Posted: 04 March 2017 at 1:21am |
“Life is parallel to hell but i must maintain...” Nas "City of Angels" Cab Driver He wears shades at night, pacing with vacant eyes, Rain drizzling the pavement as vehicles raced him by his gauges bright; illuminating payment price "keep the change" they’d exclaim; a seeming vain goodbye, "'K, goodnite". engine rev, he turned for Aikmans Drive a beaten path tracing yesterday's fame and bright stage. For those jogging memory lane, they'd find a grey rustic with wheels...patiently... waiting by..... his passengers...addicts, drunkies and dreamers seeking glam.. cause the drive for success trudge a beaten path Passenger she exits her estate with such graceful strides her face, a fixture of fallen vixen, strained; her eyes... a bulbous bloodshot....recalling glory days gone by yellow tapes and ambulance raced.... but she paid no mind grabbed the cab door and entered, an angel smiles “hello there!” she exclaim without breaking stride “take your time, lil missy, we’ve got an eternity” “lol...oh is that right?” she inquired, nervously “so how long have you been doing this?” “feels like a millenia...” “you enjoy it?” “its repetitive but...lol..His Will be done” “bet u heard a lot of interesting stories, huh?” “Sure! all kind of shit, from violent and gory stuff to natural causes, yup, as paths cross....” “....they had remorse?” “not really, more like a ‘baggage’ dropped” “ahh” “It happens often, lol. And what’s ur story?” “Me? lol...oh the usual, glitz and glamours with a bit of fits and anger, taking hits...get hammered..” “Gotcha. well here’s ur stop” she paid him... “it was great talking to you” as she walks away, when... “Hey! what’s ur name and occupation?” “My name’s Whitney and I had an awesome GREAT RUN!!” WHITNEY ELIZABETH HOUSTON 1962 - 2012 Edited by Sammy - 04 March 2017 at 1:33am |
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daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
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Aaaaaaaaaaaaand Sammy gets slept on. Motherfuckers gonna sleep on Sammy?Nawwww i gotchu sonz beefcake
Cab Driver segment ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Nice opener, followed the rhymes pretty well. it wasnt your typical "end a line with a rhyme" but you didnt have to do that here. dope opener. very vivid and loving the descriptiveness here. Nice opening sequence Passenger ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ That opener was nice. Defo got a good pace here. I can picture Whitney looking out of the window. dope imagery here. This is coming off more of a spoken word but i am following it well. That ending made this as you pointed out come full circle. That was a dope metaphoric drop. Loving how this came together pretty much at the last two bars. I was anticipating a different ending while reading this and was happy to see where you went with it. Defo a dope drop. The spoken word feeling really helped with how i paced it. Good shit here Sammy. |
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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Thanks diz lol. Lately I've been struggling with clarity so I wasn't sure if people caught the idea of the cab driver being grim reaper lol. Thanks for the feed bro.
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Liked the way you segregated this into 2 segments here,gave this depth and detail,
and serves as a prelude really,I thought that it was a creative touch on the whole,(i bet all those speech braces were a pain too.lol),i thought your portrait of a cabby's mannerisms was well caught,as boy can they talk and chat,that's the thing here,the details was ripe,this had a clear 3rd person aspect/vibe about it,like an observer was recording the journey aswell as the conversation,it was a quite vivid and a interesting piece,plus the concept was off the wall and totally orignal also,(as for me this shows a writer who is timed served,and what i would call a vet via diversity),an interesting scene/concept here that i wished i'd seen earlier,still better late than never eh,a read that i must say I enjoyed..peace. Oh and good pick up here Dizzle.. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
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He wears shades at night, pacing with vacant eyes,
Rain drizzling the pavement as vehicles raced him by his gauges bright; illuminating payment price "keep the change" they’d exclaim; a seeming vain goodbye, "'K, goodnite". engine rev, he turned for Aikmans Drive a beaten path tracing yesterday's fame and bright stage. For those jogging memory lane, they'd find a grey rustic with wheels...patiently... waiting by..... This may be some of the best writing I have read in quite some time. I loved everything from the sound, delivery, flow, and what I'm going to call "tone-setting" of the piece. It was pure and authentic. I just really relished in that intro. The conversation was genuine. It seemed brief enough that it was, again, authentic. I felt so ingrained into this piece like I was a fly in that cab. I liked the foreshadowing of her walking to the cab and the surroundings of yellow tape and sirens. That was a quality, quality, touch. Sam, great work here man. I had no clue where this was going and then you gave me Whitney. This was real creative man, I hope to be able to create topicals like this. |
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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Really appreciate the kind words, gentlemen. ILL I'll gladly trade my skills for yours! lol
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alicewonder
Standard Member Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
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I also agree, this is one of the best pieces I've come across recently. The opening segment was a personal highlight. Transitional patterns were impeccable and every reference and detail felt relevant to the greater narrative. The dialogue bits were also interesting, felt very authentic authentic with a dread-like tone throughout. The concept of the cab driver on Aikmans Drive and the passenger revelation at the end (I really appreciate the subtle details here) was very creative. The revelation wasn't something I was expecting, but it made it even that much better.
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
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The are several reason why I think this piece is amazing. The first one is obviously the story telling. Using this concept you could probably throw together several different OM's with different famous passengers being picked up death and have a nice collection of short stories. The next thing is the dialogue which is one of the aspects that enhanced the storytelling. While I am iffy on the 'lol's' in the dialogue but maybe you know better than me and Whitney would say that outload often, but other than that the dialogue is crisp. And really the best part of this is the seemingly perfect smooth progression throughout the piece. It was damn near like reading a movie script. narrate the cab driver section, into the cab ride where the conversation happens, which also drops little pieces of imagery and emotion to show you wants going on.
This was a great read. Definitely one, I hope you move on with into more pieces about the cab drivers passengers. And shoutout to a legend, Whitney Houston. RIP.
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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Really appreciate the words bro. Always feel like I'm the shit when I get approved by the upper echelons ha.
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SELF ACTIVATE
Standard Member Joined: 05 February 2016 Location: Kemet Status: Offline Points: 1380 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
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This was ...
in a word ... Brilliant! You're a bad man, Sam. I envy your ability to not only tell a story, but to paint one as well. This piece in particular is very visual. It reads like a scene from a movie. It's dark, but without malice or ill intentions. I imagine it like a more sophisticated episode of 'Taxicab Confessions'. In my mind the scene is being filmed in black and white. There is a beauty to it's simple production. The drizzling rain adds texture to the environment you've illustrated with your lyrics. The tone is somber but clear in thought. No chaos or anything to iron out. Your words need no interpretation. They do all the work on their own. It's a very clean read with easy to see imagery. The concept itself is incredibly creative. The Cabbi is Death incarnate (or Charon more specifically) taking the newly deceased to their final destination. It's like a modern retailing of the "Ferryman" myth. Also, I think your choice of character was extremely unpredictable, but incredibly intriguing. The dialogue between Death & Whitney read authentic and served as a unique exposition. Lastly, from a technical p.o.v. this drop was executed with true skill and precision. Your transitions were fluid, your rhymes fluent, and your schemes were well constructed. Beautiful wording, imagery, and imagination. This is yet another amazing piece by you, bro. You're as elite a write as I've ever come across on any board I've ever been on. Top knotch stuff. The epitome of topical writing. Peace. |
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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Thanks a lot Self. Def a big deal when it comes from someone of ur caliber, bro.
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Rude
Groupie Joined: 03 February 2014 Status: Offline Points: 243 Crew: EMPIRE Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-2-0 Form: LWWL |
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man, so alot of other comments brought up most of what I would have said.
Still have to appreciate the storytelling here. This was such a dope read, it reminded me of Royce's track, ironically enough called Taxi Driver. (just b/c of the Taxi/famous passenger element) with the Driver here being Death himself, was a great twist. Idk if it was pointed out already but I also liked the connection between the first section with the driver foreshadowing with "For those jogging down memory lane", and ending with Whitney saying she "had a awesome Great Run" showed well designed wording and storytelling. Idk what else I can say that hasn't been said so I'll just end this with - Thanks for another great read! |
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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out of momentary vanity i decided to visit some of my old pieces. I never new Rude replied to this! sorry i never acknowledge ur feed but thanks a lot! AND YES....the run scheme was a call back technique. I like to do that to round off a verse lol. i wasn't sure if anyone would've caught it but glad u did. but thanks again. and thanks everyone for the feed. and i thank myself for this non calculated bump.
*no seriously, im only bumping this to appreciate the feeds i got lol* |
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spume corrupt
Superior Member Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3162 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
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WOW, I missed this one bruv, glad you had the bare faced cheek to BUMPY yo'delf on this number
The driver being death was an inspired move and mad creative... You know you have to carry on with this series right fam? You own it now and yo cabby got never ending milage... Dope franchise right here homie |
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Trizzy Tre
Superior Member Joined: 28 March 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5101 Crew: EMPIRE Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 30-7-1 Form: WLWLWW |
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This piece is stupid... In the hip hop really dope sense of the word..
Sammy, your topicals always come with unbelievably creative storylines and told in only a way you can. Technically it's all top level writing, clever wording and imagery.. the middle part of this was insane. Always an enjoyable read... |
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Goryo.
Groupie Joined: 28 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 431 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-4-0 Form: LWLWLW |
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Haha fuck yeah. I saw where it was going but didn't expect the Whitney Houston part. You should write a fucking noir movie or something because a lot of your writtens are in that vein. Onto the story, it's not like it was over a long period of time. You set the scene, and made the most out of just a few moments. It was perfectly balanced and didn't get all fatty around the edges. Your style is definitely made for pieces like this. You have an unorthodox way of structuring a line and make sure you get just the right amount of imagery in before moving onto the next one. It really did read as clearly as a script or passage from a book, but with technical rhyming scattered throughout. Looking forward to seeing more like this.
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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@Tre - thank you, bro! really appreciate the words, especially from someone of ur level.
@goryo - Gor, i really appreciate it man. YOu can count on return feed asap, bro. 1.
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rhetorical
Site Moderator Joined: 14 February 2014 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 807 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-0 Form: WWL |
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when i read verses from guys like you and self. . its reminds me of the days when i used to engage more in the fine lines and details of a concept, and then it makes me realize how these days, i have relied too heavy on my flow/schemes and effective wording to get me through a piece. something i need to not change, but balance more. . this was a really great read from top to bottom here sammy. transitions were super clean. just brilliant writing fam
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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@spume hahaha@ ur PM! But on the realness..Ur candid insights are always appreciated my brother. Thank you for the words.
@rhet, 'preciate it, fam. You already' |
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