Elevation Centre: Constructive Criticsm |
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Just Belief 
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Joined: 03 June 2016 Location: L.A County Status: Offline Points: 54 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-1-0 Form: L |
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 Topic: Constructive CriticsmPosted: 04 June 2016 at 3:33am |
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I'm always for honest constructive criticsm.
I'll keystyle a all new verse just for ya'll Lyrical Assault, pulled me to the cult, Netcee the earth the salt, Last time i was Nine-teen, Thought I was in the right scene, But alot of drugs lightning, did not lead to inciting, The self was fighting, and 3 years ago i walked away from my writing, But my netcee times were 8 years ago, Yeah i alwaysl worte rhymes through my recent lifetime, When the homies would incline, I'd freestyle a rhyme, Dropped a Mixtape or two, But my Faith didn't stay true, Cuz There was soo much other bullshit i had to tend to, Got Clean, Car payment No pipe dream, Credit Green, WTF im a student in college, KRS thought me to rhyme the knowledge, I'm from the ghetto, whiteboy so i couldn't settle, Work a job in wood and metal, Turn knowledge to wisdom meadow, And Just Let Go |
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Endeavor
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Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
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Posted: 08 June 2016 at 10:52am |
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Alright, since I'm all for self reflection and being open to criticism I'll give this a go.
With this keystyle were a few issues. 1). Couplets (or end rhymes). In the first verse you lacked this in the first and last line. This doesn't always have to be a problem if you place the internals well. Which didn't happen here. 2). Wording issues/forced rhymes, I'll elaborate on that below. 3). Structure; I.e. rhyme scheme. You placed internals at spots where they taking away from the flow instead of contributing to it. Wording issues:
The bolded words are what I had issues with. 1). Lightning: In the context of this line it doesn't make much sense and doesn't describe anything for me really. Did you mean lightening? Because that would make much sense either. Lighting would work but would still make that section a bit bare boned. 2). Inciting: Reason I have issue with this word is because the meaning of the sentence is not finished. Inciting what? The following line does not connect to inciting. 3). Fighting: I appreciate the approach, but it doesn't work in this context. The self was fighting is a weird way to word inner struggle. To me, that is. Structure:
Right now you got this: -------------XXXXX----------------------XXXXX -----------------XXXXX--------------XXXXX This would only work if the following bar follows the same structure and preferably on audio where you can play with the beat a bit more. A great example is Andre 3 stacks, as he can employ the weirdest schemes and still get away with it. On text you usually want this" -------------XXXXX----------------------XXXXX -------------XXXXX----------------------XXXXX Or better yet ---------YYYYYXXXXX-------------YYYYYXXXXX ---------YYYYYXXXXX-------------YYYYYXXXXX Multi's! That's all I got for now. Hope you can work with it. P.s. check out posts from Nigma and such in this forum, great tips!
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#Bananas
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Crimson Juice
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Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Posted: 08 June 2016 at 12:29pm |
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As Endeavour would tell you I on the norm leave in-depth feed,I
explore the contents then leave feed via paraphrasing,but what Endeavor typed there is what I saw also,the only thing I can say is be more picky with your words,as some chances went by within this piece to add some decent similies/Metaphores..peace |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Just Belief
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Joined: 03 June 2016 Location: L.A County Status: Offline Points: 54 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-1-0 Form: L |
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Posted: 10 June 2016 at 6:19am |
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I agree lyrics have never been my problem, it's always been my rhythm, gotta count the syllabels more often because i've sacraficed lyrics for delivery before.
Tahnk you both for the constructive criticsm
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Last time i was Nine-teen, Thought I was in the right scene,