Open Mic: "Crying the nights away" UL Final Verse |
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Exoduzt 
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NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
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 Topic: "Crying the nights away" UL Final VersePosted: 26 July 2014 at 2:46am |
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Urban Legends Final verse... "Crying the nights away" My 5 words I had to use as a topic: sport, technology, knowledge, suppressed, fear SPORT... All my life I had to play a good sport when it came to my father... Wish mom would have chose to abort he would go insane when he's bothered... Unless of course there was cocaine and it came with a lager... His temper raised as if he couldn't have been trained to get hotter... Painfully somber is how my sister tried to play all his little games... like when he'd sneak in her room at night & push up on her brittle frame... her withered brain so still & strained along with her heart and emotion... Mom would pretend not to care and was way too scared to start a commotion... It was like we were hopelessly floating in the deepest part of the ocean... and the shark was just poking his nose leaving marks on his targets he goes... To the largest and darkest part of his soul so he tortures us... contortin' trust with an assortment of hatred spews & naked views of course it was... unbearable but my fort was just, in the back jus a mere hole that I dug... Me and my sis would hide in it & it was her soul that I hugged... So bold with the love I'd hold her so tight I could feel her crippling pain... We both gripped in the rain crying from this despicable shame... Cant believe we are both good sports in our fathers unwinnable game... TECHNOLOGY/KNOWLEDGE... We became older and could feel us gettin' closer to our caskets entry... We realized with real cries every time we saw that his glass was empty... I feel so damned it tempts me, to finally try and resolve this problem... cus theres a revolving throbbin' in my head should I make a call & stop him?... I decided to use the internet to intercept his rapes and beatings... To find some intellect with some depth to make us believe in... some hope for us he's choking us maybe we could take up a meeting... With this doctor Jefferey Proctor which indicates a freeing... of my mind & father and his evil condition of fast hate... like don't hit in the face cus it would raise suspicion of class mates... then I heard a glass break it shattered against the wall rite next to me.... he saw the screen went after me & abused my sister sexually... Mentally that night I lay in my bed badly bruised and beaten... physically it didnt matter but the echoes in her room from screaming... shattered all my hopes & dreams of leaving, I can't cope by any means these demons... Made me brave I must save my sister from this torture and this evil being!... SUPPRESSED/FEAR... The next few days I kept my feelings suppressed... Feeling so stressed of what I'm bout to do in dealing with death... keeping my neck slightly above water but I feel it deep in my chest... releasing a breathe is not an option as I freely respect... my only way to end this by releasing the beast of a secret he kept... He kept it in the garage somewhere next to the lawn mower... I know thats hes the king and like chess the pawns slower... but I grew some broad shoulders and thick skin as I find the gun to end it... I sneak back in the house and think its finally done I crept in... slowly steppin up the stairs and when I hit the room I went in... Pointed the gun and thought am I making a drastic mistake... am I acting in hate or practically makin a statement thats just tragic & late... I squeeze the trigger and just actually blasted the face... of my little sister as I cant move just standing in place... I manage to break the shock and realize she has nothing left to fear... as I raise the gun once more & let the barrel gently caress my ear... Now finally my night ends and for once It never left in tears... |
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Exoduzt
Superior Member
NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
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Posted: 27 July 2014 at 1:48am |
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anyone?
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spume corrupt
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Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3163 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
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Posted: 27 July 2014 at 4:23pm |
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It's a great read fam
With all the usual Exo twists an turns .Really used the given words well for your needs here How you lead us to expect a revenge killing and then go and deliver something even darker and completely different was genius |
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The Law
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God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504  Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
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Posted: 27 July 2014 at 4:50pm |
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Sick verse from you as always exo. This is getting slept on in the OM, should be a piece that everyone is checking out. Utilized the words well, using them as sort of chapters to move your piece along. The storyline was very well thought out, with the nice twist in the end, and a good closer as well. The "shock factor" of him killing his sister was done well.
As far as technicalities, there were no issues with that either. It was polished up, great flow, and an butter smooth read. There was a bunch of bars in here that I really liked. Quite a few in the last section actually. The deep in chest and caress the ear bars were very nice. Great imagery and use of wording not only in those bars but the whole verse in general. It's come to be expected from you in every verse that you drop. You are easily one of the best writers on that site and/or that I have seen on the internet in general.
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Exoduzt
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NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
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Posted: 28 July 2014 at 4:07am |
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Spume thanks for your time and reply we still need to get up on a collab...aye Law damn homie those are some strong words and statements you made and I couldnt be happier...means a lot to me and makes me think that the time i put into this is finally paying off...CHEERS
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Nigma
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Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4077 Crew: Elision   |
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Posted: 28 July 2014 at 6:28am |
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Sport - one of a kind angle. deff sets the tone for the piece. the flow you found half way through was pristine, nice writing
"It was like we were hopelessly floating in the deepest part of the ocean... and the shark was just poking his nose leaving marks on his targets he goes... To the largest and darkest part of his soul so he tortures us... contortin' trust with an assortment of hatred spews & naked views of course it was... unbearable but my fort was just, in the back jus a mere hole that I dug..." so dope. guess im writing in th emiddle now, fuck it technology/knowledge - felt the second line was really wordy. overall didnt really grasp the relation to the words but it was written well and progressed the story along. your character development is really good in this one too suppressed/fear- damn totally figured the twist out midway through the verse. not a unique scenario but you laid it out in a unique way. hell of a verse, definitely a tourney winner there. i liked the creativity in combining the words and really working with them. there was obviously a substantial amount of thought put into this, turned out really well, props man. |
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Freeda5thDawg
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Joined: 19 June 2006 Status: Offline Points: 1324 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-1-0 Form: WWWLWW |
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Posted: 28 July 2014 at 11:20am |
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You know how I felt about this one, man. Nothing short of impressive and terrifying as well. You know how to capture a reader's attention and keep them glued with your detailing and story sequences. Simply great writing.
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Exoduzt
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NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
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Posted: 29 July 2014 at 1:08am |
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Nigma and freeda two of the people I respect the most...thank you for real
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Exoduzt
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NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
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Posted: 31 July 2014 at 4:26am |
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bumpin
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