Open Mic: Ether |
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Smoothtung
Standard Member Joined: 09 December 2012 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 25-8-3 Form: WWWLWN |
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Posted: 07 March 2015 at 4:37pm |
So look.. I read scientific Zionistic hieroglyphs in Thai linguistics. Mine are spit on vinyl disks and finely fit to mind logistics. Might permit a rhyming clinic dominant like molotovs. Learned to write the finest lyrics compliments to Robert Frost.. No, but really.. I’ve never tried to sever ties with letters but the pleasure died, and pressure forges treasures but this pressure more than weathered mine. I wished to board a charter toward the blessed but the devil told to wish to board a charter ‘for this wreckage mends a rebels soul. It’s merely time you hear me rhyme severely fly through cpu’s I’d nearly dried my teary eyes but dreary lies the evening dew. The eerie smile I’m breathing through would lay you down with what it spits. It’s clear that while you’re creeping through I’m laying down a ton of bricks, And weighing out these subtle tricks which once I used to ease the pain, I need the same.. I struggle through the lust to prove I’d seized the day. Don’t hold me to the marriage that I cheated on, it bloody bites It’s lonely on this terrace that I sleep upon on lovely nights. But.. I’m mean as fuck still.. I’m that egotistic evil cynic Leo from the keno district Reprimanding weasels from the steeple that my people lifted.. Understand I’m lethal when I’m dropping hot upon your screen I’m up an’ branding eagles like I’m popping off across the sea. I swim amongst these fishes but I’m deeper than the rest of em.. I live amongst these bitches and I’m eager just to mess with em. I'm ether at a metric ton.
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Though you never even had the chance to witness it |
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Nigma
Site Moderator Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4077 Crew: Elision |
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This is you where you are comfortable. Flow here was flawless. The only thing I would have considered changing was the word 'towards' in the 3rd line of the second stanza. It was the one word in the whole verse that could have been didn't fit the rhythm perfectly, normally its not something I'd even mention but when the rest of the flow is perfect it makes it stand out more.
The only other piece of advice that I can think of for you as a writer... You have a couple different styles that you do really well. This perfect syllable matching which rhymes all the words line to line is definitely one of your best but there are others you do really well too. I'd like to see you to make a conscious effort to blend those styles together. For instance, be writing a scheme with more freedom and then gradually change the scheme to a bar or two of this style. Dope dope dope verse here
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Smoothtung
Standard Member Joined: 09 December 2012 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 25-8-3 Form: WWWLWN |
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damn, thats some good feed back bro. I actually never thought of blending the styles which blows my mind cuz it makes a whole lotta since when you say it like that. You just helped me to step my game up and for that i appreciate it brutha. Thats feed.
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Though you never even had the chance to witness it |
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
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Smooth at his finest. The first stanza was bananas, easily my favorite part. The way you had every syllable of each line connecting with the next line was flawless. It really kept the flow and delivery solid. I felt like the words were just falling out when i spit it. I had a hiccup due to my reading flaws lol... WE ALL GOT'EM ahaha... That first line in the second stanza really shined to me. It got personal to me bc its something I'm kind of going through. Losing my passion for this unintentionally bc they meaning for what I was writing for is gone. I agree with Nigmas second part of his feed. Combining all of your qualities as a writer into one piece would be classic as fuck. My own criticism of this piece would be that it ended abruptly to me. The piece was on fire then outta no where it was... done. It wasnt to me, like "I'm begging for more" type of done, I was more like "where the hell is the rest of it". Kind of let me down a bit. I was hoping for a strong ass ending like the intro, that was the only flaw I could point out really. Other than that, I said this in our collab, glad to have you writing again friend.
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Smoothtung
Standard Member Joined: 09 December 2012 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 25-8-3 Form: WWWLWN |
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Well damn, thanks guys I appreciate it
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Though you never even had the chance to witness it |
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Titu
Superior Member Joined: 04 July 2013 Location: 🔥 Hell 🔥 Status: Offline Points: 4522 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-19-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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**tits reads few lines and opens a dictionary in other tab** lol
Seriously braah, top level here. Verse was smooth as butter. Multis and internals came off really well. The thing I loved the most, your vocablary and the words you chose to put in there. They werent forced at all (which usually happens when people try to go wild with rhymeschemes) you perfectly displayed yo skills here. Dope shit |
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Fuck That Fat smelly cunt Donald Trump, a racist asshole who is fucked in the head.
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nomedic
Standard Member Joined: 11 January 2014 Location: South Africa Status: Offline Points: 1578 Crew: Hunger Games Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 35-25-0 Form: WWLLWL |
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damn the first bar was clinical the schemes were placed in such a way that even the transition had a rhyme present in the first two,,skill
the second section was beautiful how do you talk about your issues holding so many schemes active the multi scheme internals were bombastic as fuck then you switch the flow and direction but you maintain the highly technical schemes this was a refreshing read no doubt sir I enjoyed this one
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Smoothtung
Standard Member Joined: 09 December 2012 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 25-8-3 Form: WWWLWN |
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hey i appreciate the good looks boys
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Though you never even had the chance to witness it |
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JBrenn
Superior Member Joined: 03 May 2006 Status: Offline Points: 3754 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 40-26-0 Form: WWLWWW |
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Yes yes yes so glad you are back dropping this section will have compotion again!!! You brought the perfect flow and content and made this a piece I think easily in your top ten. Your first bar really set the tone and carried the weight of the verse through out. Good work tung!!!!
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E.V.P.
Standard Member Joined: 05 September 2014 Location: Toronto Status: Offline Points: 535 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 7-4-0 Form: WWLLWL |
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This was well done in my opinion.
Everything was well put together however I felt as though switching up the styles in the middle kind of threw off the overall balance of this verse, the intro and closer were far more aggressive while the middle was a sort of reflection piece. Keep at'r.
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Nigma
Site Moderator Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4077 Crew: Elision |
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i just reread and re-enjoyed this. Bump
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Stupendipidous
Standard Member Joined: 11 September 2014 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 492 Crew: Hunger Games Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-6-0 Form: LLLLLL |
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one day I will write a piece with mental schemes like this the way you told the story caught me your vocab and rhyming skills are on another level if I tried to pull off a piece like this it would look summin like this
siugcodiaucgo ugdcouhdpoiCJJ'POPOpsoadcj 'pdvjodfivjsoidv owivhhq[woiv[o lol seriously tho I cant wait to start reading more from u would have been great to see this piece a little longer maybe a part 2? u switch up the rhyme schemes so seamlessly and don't lose pace or flow this is a really top notch piece cant wait for more
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