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Exoduzt 
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NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
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 Topic: Exoduzt vs The Guy (Topical) (3-0)Posted: 04 June 2017 at 3:04am |
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Topic: A story documenting the visits between a prison inmate and their child, starting from youth to adulthood 32 lines due in one week
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The_Guy
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Joined: 18 May 2013 Status: Offline Points: 1014 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 16-12-0 Form: WLWWLL |
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Posted: 04 June 2017 at 7:52pm |
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check
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The_Guy
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Posted: 09 June 2017 at 9:54pm |
 Hey dad, Hi son Images of poppa flashed in his mind, anxious to see his birth father Even the wickedest widows wouldn’t wish this on their daughter But it’s the son we’re discussing, the youngest boy who’s named Carter “Hi dad”, “How are you son”, is the conversation starter “Baby boy, getting so big, hard to still call you a kid Repent to the man upstairs for every sin I’ve commit I still wish, I could be home but I’m stuck in this shit Continue to be a good boy so you don’t end up like this” Sorrow surrounds the boy, Carter’s eyes fill with tears He’s choking up, Grim reaper picking out with a cheer “Who do I play catch with, and learn how to hunt deer I love you so much daddy, can’t wait till you’re out of here” Now that Carters’ older the conversation get slightly bolder Giving his pops the cold shoulder cause inside his heart done grown colder Attacking his pops like a soldier, throwing stones large as boulders Spitting fire at Dan, hot enough to melt down his molars “No real man, would jeopardize losing his life and his offspring Now you’re searching for a way out like you’re searching for lost things And it’s costing you and your family but you aint on no boss things You’re chump change, wouldn’t even use you as an offering” As he storms out “Wait son, before you leave, will you give me a chance I’ve made my mistakes, but I accept them all as a man As I’ve told you before, I would take them back if I can” But the door slams, and disappointment came over Dan Filled with aggression and anger, Carter darts through the night In the new 750 class beamer that he bought for his wife Swearing he’d never be like his dad as he rush through red lights Head on into a car, Carter took someone’s life “Manslaughter” the judge belches as he toss his gavel- The lawyer is all hunched over, cause he lost this battle “4 years your honor?” Carter tried to put up a hassle Now he’s bunking with his father, the sheriff removed his shackles “Hey dad” “Hi Son” Edited by Nigma - 12 June 2017 at 5:32pm |
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Exoduzt
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NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
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Posted: 12 June 2017 at 3:27am |
 I regret losing my head I was absent minded- Even tho my regrets will be my caskets lining- It's a tragic sight when, you think there's a lack of a parent trying- Stagnant crying, No race when 'life' is the actual timing- I did what I had to do and not cus the thrill was hyper- Unfortunately I cheated life like giving pills to fighters- I remember you visiting me when you were still in diapers- Always been in my eye sight but you can't kill this sniper- You'd come in once a month, the smile grew extensively- Little did you know, I can't provide what you expect from me- I did what I could! To try and be a man that delivers- But I missed the little things like go wash ya hands before dinner- You grew up! going thru puberty and trying to face the world- I said protect ya neck use protection when ya chasing girls- There's a bunch of reasons to hate me, I know you can find a few- No excuses to what I did, but it was just to provide for you- A bad example, Your mother was right the way I'm casually wrong- My mind is actually gone, fork in the road, don't choose the path that I'm on- Stand there and wait, life is quick you wont be stranded for long- Captain of the basketball team...I mean until you were handed a bong- Ima guide you thru this, with the "don't be like me" classic info- Your becoming a man but its hard to tell ya thru a plastic window- Armed robbery? I absolutely regret what I did- But at the same time I had to do whats best for my kid- This lesson I live, is everyday its stressful as shit- Seeing my kid grow up without me is really stressing my wit- It's tension that rips, my soul apart like when I found out ya mothers dead- You stopped coming by for visits, but I heard you reppin' the color red- I didn't want you to think like me with your brain cell's complexity- When I said I wanted you closer, I didn't mean the same cell next to me-
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The_Guy
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Joined: 18 May 2013 Status: Offline Points: 1014 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 16-12-0 Form: WLWWLL |
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Posted: 16 June 2017 at 5:19pm |
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Crimson Juice
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Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Posted: 18 June 2017 at 9:32am |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. OK sorry it taken awhile to get votes here,(@ The Guy) but it's going to be slow due to IC2 taking president,with that now finished activity should now pass by this section again. TG firstly I like how your verse comes off in two parts,(1 for the visit,and the other the journey home),that was nicely done as it gave a clear take on a time perspective, (then and now scenario if you like),the visit was an interesting take i thought,you displayed some good emotions here via the passage of time,from a kid to a young man,the feelings,not having a father for guidance or to play ball was a nice inclusion also,as too was the ageing of Carter,where he begins to answer him back and then challenges he's father,it's the details that make a topical piece,and you applied them here in a subtle fashion,the 2nd segment,was also nicely played out here,not as detailed as the 1st part but still it progressed the story on,and to be truthful a nice twist to close out with,although predictable to point it was still received well on reading,good verse and read... Exoduzt straight out the gate you came with wordplay here,and the reader knows exactly what deal is from the off in a way,the prison term is life,via the depiction from the coffin lining,i really liked that subtle hint,your piece on the whole was nicely worded and detailed,which only added to the imagery,the double meanings that littered this piece via similes/metaphors added a solid layering effect too,your story progression was also good,it kept my eyes pealed on reading,i must be honest and say i found this verse engaging,similar in some ways to The Guys with the outcome (a twist where the son becomes or is jailed too) the undertones of gang life where expressed well i believe,and that's the thing here with your piece,it has depth via the details,also good work here.. Overall a nice battle here,but for me there a winner and that was Exo,here's why,he's verse was more contained within,he's story i found it to be more compelling also,TG you gave a good account of yourself here that to be honest impressed me,you see Exo a seasoned writer,and you made him work still with your offering,so props on to you dude,solid work from both here.. Vote...Exoduzt.peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Cuba
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Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12329  Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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Posted: 20 June 2017 at 10:45pm |
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1-0 Exo
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DressToKill
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Joined: 27 June 2006 Location: Canada,New Brunswick Status: Offline Points: 6872 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 78-62-0 Form: LLWWWL |
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Posted: 26 June 2017 at 12:08am |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Guy - Dude I commend you for jumping into the topical world, I did the same thing after being a career battler and I found it really opened my mind to working in other ways. Now for the verse, you definitely showed promise here. I really didn't like that opening bar because of the "daughter" part of it, now I understand that you back tracked to it being your boy but it felt like you didn't have another rhyme to throw in there but I digress. I really liked how you verse aged along with the character, it's a nice way of showing how the event weighs on the character. Now that Carters’ older the conversation get slightly bolder Giving his pops the cold shoulder cause inside his heart done grown colder Attacking his pops like a soldier, throwing stones large as boulders Spitting fire at Dan, hot enough to melt down his molars Fire ^^^^^ This is how I imagined this being written so you nailed that for me so props on the progressive in the narritive. Now as far as the twist as soon as I read him getting heated I could call the ending, I was always taught that the way to win a topical is to write a clean narrative and have the most fucked up twist at the end. So while the end was fitting, it was unfortunately predictable which was a let down. Props on this though because like I said I know this is new territory for you so props on stepping out of the comfort zone. Exo - Mother fucker this is your bread and butter so you know that I expect a knock out verse from you everytime or I will be let down. Let's talk about them opening bars, the set was fire dude. The multies and the way you opened up here with the "regrets being your casket lining" dope imagery. I regret losing my head I was absent minded- Even tho my regrets will be my caskets lining- It's a tragic sight when, you think there's a lack of a parent trying- Stagnant crying, No race when 'life' is the actual timing- Now for the rest, you built up the verse nicely after setting the tone. I like how you choose a singular perspective instead of speaking from both sides like Guy, it gives you the ability to focus on one story instead of trying to weave together multiple which is VERY difficult depending on how many characters you have. Your rhyming throughout was nice, the multies were on point and as the story progressed I was waiting for that big bang ending. I didn't like that you took the same ending as Guy as it lacked in the originality department to be honest. I know you've got a great imagination and you're know for bringing those twists that make your head spin and I missed that here. Overall guy's this battle was pretty fucking close, I mean Guy obviously was the dark horse here because hes a well versed battler and honestly I didn't expect as strong as a showing as he brought. On the other hand we got Exo who is a veteran at topicals but didn't bring that big closer that we're used to which was a letdown. Overall I gotta stick with the dude that had the best narrative because and that was Exo, he had less slip ups with his verse and was slightly more descriptive in terms of feelings and smilie use. I did enjoy both verses, Vote Exo Stay up
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The original comeback kid
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Nigma
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Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4077 Crew: Elision   |
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Posted: 26 June 2017 at 6:30am |
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2-0 Exo
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Nigma
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Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4077 Crew: Elision |
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Posted: 30 June 2017 at 11:30pm |
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Exo wins via 3-0 KO
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