Open Mic: Final Fantasy. |
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X-ACTO
Standard Member Joined: 28 November 2007 Location: U.S.A Status: Offline Points: 228 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-4-3 Form: LLWNWN |
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Posted: 20 March 2008 at 9:55pm |
Yeah That Shit Was Dope. Props At The Highest! |
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You Overdid It Homes--
You In The Danger Zone-- You Shouldnt Be Alone-- --Notorious B.I.G |
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Point Blank
Superior Member Joined: 20 May 2005 Status: Offline Points: 7234 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 92-27-5 Form: WWNWWN |
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This was hot, no doubt. Good multies, nice vocab, just gotta work on ya flow. BTW, you reallly shouldn't be uppin your old verses lol.
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Hybrid.
Newbie Joined: 11 January 2008 Status: Offline Points: 18 |
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anymore feed..?
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Hybrid.
Newbie Joined: 11 January 2008 Status: Offline Points: 18 |
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thanks for the feed tho people
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DressToKill
Superior Member Joined: 27 June 2006 Location: Canada,New Brunswick Status: Offline Points: 6872 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 78-62-0 Form: LLWWWL |
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Not my style of writing personally..but the multies were hot the the story was told well..I agree with everyone about the stretched lines bit..shorten it up and it will enhance your flow..but other than that good job
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The original comeback kid
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Hybrid.
Newbie Joined: 11 January 2008 Status: Offline Points: 18 |
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no doubt thanx for the feed man.
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dalinquent
Superior Member Joined: 04 June 2004 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 4687 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 29-23-1 Form: WLLLWL |
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agree that this was good...but flow wise you have alot of work to do...due to the longer lines, i didnt enjoy readin this...You definately know what your doing, but could use a bit of work perfecting it...the flow was my only problem with this, multis were consistently good, vocab and all...
Join a crew, Dependin on who ya join, they should help you fix the minor cosmetic stuff and help u elevate into a decent head... |
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iCeZ
Standard Member Joined: 29 June 2005 Status: Offline Points: 1415 Crew: The Dynasty Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-13-0 Form: WLWWWW |
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dude thats was pretty dope.... flow was nice thoughout.... story was well told... nice read.
... some lines were alittle long, prehaps shortening them up abit would make the flow top class...
Edited by iCeZ - 15 January 2008 at 3:33am |
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Ice they need time to translate it, That why U let kids down
So ya'll should go read my 08 shit, maybe U'll get it now |
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Hybrid.
Newbie Joined: 11 January 2008 Status: Offline Points: 18 |
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hmmm no feed huh?
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Hybrid.
Newbie Joined: 11 January 2008 Status: Offline Points: 18 |
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Hence Was A Village Of Gnomes..
Not To Far Off The Mountains.. Where Griffins Wandered The CLouds And,Trickles Of Sugar Water Echoed Off Of The Fountains.. Children Would Shout Uproarious With Joy And Excitement.. For The Sun Brought Happiness Forth..While The Poison Subsided.. There Was A Dwarf Who Cried In A High Pitch Later To Be Hoisted In Silence.. Not A Soul Could Point Out The Tyrant..So They Kept Their Poise Till Horizons Filled The Skys With Pigment Blobs..While The Soil Grew Moist As Their Eyes Dripped.. With Tears Full Of Sorrow..They Prayed And Hoped God's Own Voice Could Find Him.. Unsure He'd Be Left Ashore On An Island..Where He'd Rely On A Talking Oyster For Guidance.. Of Course He was Frightened..Him Being A Child In Worry The First Thought Was To Burst Off Through The Jungle Out In A Hurry.. Until The Empyrean Became Cloudy And Blurry..The Oyster Shouted In Rage..! "Littlelun..Wheres A Boy Like You Off To With So Much Energy?",Think Your Bound To Escape?.. "Dear Child The Only Way For You To Return Home With Strands Of Evolution.." "Is To Retrieve These Items On My Sinched Record Viewing ..Holding Dynamic Retribution" You must Bring Forth The Head of Lochness,And Tail Of A Shark.. "An Eye Of A Giant Squid..Then Indeed Your Trail Will Be Marked".. Unsure Of Caution The Eager Boy Sat There For Days.. Creating Net Traps.. Harpoon Daggers..From Mere Tree Branches And Canes..! Believing This Animal..The Dwarf Bolted Straight Towards The Sea.. Surfing Waves While The Breeze Shifted His Board That Was Made Out Of Leaves.. .. Soaring Out The Water A Shark Had Appeared..! ..Quickly! He Shredded The Body Parts In One Clear Swipe Across It's Heart Without Fear.. Then A Massive Squid Shuttled..Exposing Subtle Vex.. The Boy Swung His Edge!..Peeling The It's Eye Covering Back,Leaving Clumps Of Flesh..! As His Face Sparkled With Tears..But That Wouldnt Cease The Approach.. So He Ignored The Gore..And Kept Paddling..Making A Slow Proceed Towards The Coast.. There Cloaked In The Shadows Lied A Face So Placid It Surged A Violent Rush Then Silence Struck .. As Mild Must Drew Through His Nasal Passage.. Speaking To Himself He Yelled "Faster!" Hoping Rapid Strokes Would Improve.. Overall Range Determined Between Himself And The Zone Of The Brute.. The Lochness Followed..Until The Path Led Him Home.. And Changed Enhance His Community By Completing The Task Of The Poem.. Finally Life Was Back To Normal..Many Smiles Were Totalled..Most Abided Sorrow Families Settled Down ..Enjoying Their Lives As Mortals But As Soon As Their Minds Could Port To That Life In First Rate The Sky Turned Gray..Decline ?In Their Day Was Seemed Nothing Like An Earthquake Wiffing The Fragrance Of Water..Communities Visualized The Oceans Tide As Their Fate Presenting The Brine Of Their Days...As Land Level Was SLightly Decreasing Noones Mind Could Believe That They'd Be Drowned For Eternity Especially ELijah's After Defeating The Most Vigorous Scoundrels Of A Murderous Sea All Oxygen Had Been Abolished From The Seahorses And People Facing Trouble. Arena's,Parks,Schools..Hell Even Churches Had Disipated To Rubble.. The Oyster Ridiculed.."How Clever!..The Silly Boy Intended For His Community To Have A "Deep Image Free Of Antics.". "But Becareful What You Wish For"...."Now I Shall Name This Borough The City Of Atlantis!".. |
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