Open Mic: HorrorCore verse [4 BARS]

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Madeye View Drop Down
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    Posted: 06 May 2008 at 11:17pm
This is an H-Core battle verse that I won with, back on another battle site...
It's also the very 1st H-Core verse that I ever wrote...  this is prolly 4 months ago, or so.
I would appreciate some feed, and perhaps in the near future I'll drop another H-Core verse
to compare this to.  I'm just analyzing my elevations.
Please feed if you read.
Thanx Famz.
 
I'll START AT YA' NECK - give ya' TORSO uh' "C-SECTION"
"Rip-Cord" U Vocally so you NO FLOW - just WEAK CONNECTION!

STRANGLE ya' LIMP VESSEL wit ya' "very own" EXTRACTED VEINS...
Dangle ya' - DIS-RESPECTED ~ wit no Carry-Home PACKAGED FRAME!

Bury U ~ Surely!, Pack you FIRMLY wit da' butt-uh'-da'-SHOVEL...
Murda' U EARLY - I'm THIRSTY - so I drink ya' blood-wit-uh'-GUZZLE!

Strip ya' SKIN TISSUE - an' WEAR IT LIKE "TWISTED HANNIBAL"...
Rip gift from WITHIN U, TEAR IT LIKE I'm "VICIOUS MAMMAL"

I'ma BREAK YOU DOWN, SON! - START CHOMPIN' YA' BONE MARROW...
ya' SOUL "PERIL" - I DEVOUR ya' WHOLE cuz' ya' FLOW NARROW...



Edited by Madeye - 07 May 2008 at 12:58pm
<font color=darkgray>I'm only offended by those I respect... and I don't respect you[/COLOR]
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hanGing View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote hanGing Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 May 2008 at 4:03am
I'd drop a horrorcore verse first.. the multis really sacrificed your ability to sicken..
 
 
"Sicker Than Thou"


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote SwordedStylez Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 May 2008 at 6:00am
I agree with what Hanging said, your rhymes made the verse seem very forced, multis are ok but only if you use them in a way which doesn't take away impact from your verse, and yours really did.  It's seemingly a wide-spread thing these days that people assume that if they fill a verse with rhymes (no matter how incoherent it makes their verse) then they've written a dope verse.  Unfortunately, this myth truly sits in the realm of fantasy...
Music

Ink - Always remembered, never forgotten (as a fake as fuck piece of shit who tried to steal 2 persona's)
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Swift Styles Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 May 2008 at 12:12pm
Shocked is that?? your aktually not dead?^
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Madeye Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 May 2008 at 1:01pm
Aiight Famz...  I got'cha.
Next H-Core verse will put ya' tips into action.  I appreciate ya' feeds.
 
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<font color=darkgray>I'm only offended by those I respect... and I don't respect you[/COLOR]
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote CHAIN Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 May 2008 at 4:00pm
i thought the lines were gruesome, multi's didn't bother me at all, maybe it's just me haha
 
 

STRANGLE ya' LIMP VESSEL wit ya' "very own" EXTRACTED VEINS...
Dangle ya' - DIS-RESPECTED ~ wit no Carry-Home PACKAGED FRAME!

killer bar, multi's & flow...especially the flow, i was listening to (nas- star wars) while reading this, and the flow was illi! lol  
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote hanGing Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 May 2008 at 5:56pm
I just like it sicker than this.. shit i'm fussy when it comes to horrorcore.
"Sicker Than Thou"


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Fatal View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Fatal Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 May 2008 at 12:24am
I gotta agree wit Sword. I seen alot of grammar problems due to you forcing certain multies...good read tho. Keep practicing man
 
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote SageOne Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 May 2008 at 3:49am
Not bad...Not necessarily gruesome or demented but it was alright. Work on the lexicon though...it's hard to completely get everything you're typing.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Madeye Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 May 2008 at 12:59pm
Aiight, Famz...
Thanx for taking the time to feed this.
 
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<font color=darkgray>I'm only offended by those I respect... and I don't respect you[/COLOR]
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