Open Mic: HorrorCore verse [4 BARS] |
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Madeye
Standard Member Joined: 25 March 2008 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 1177 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 8-4-0 Form: WWLLLL |
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Posted: 06 May 2008 at 11:17pm |
This is an H-Core battle verse that I won with, back on another battle site...
It's also the very 1st H-Core verse that I ever wrote... this is prolly 4 months ago, or so.
I would appreciate some feed, and perhaps in the near future I'll drop another H-Core verse
to compare this to. I'm just analyzing my elevations.
Please feed if you read.
Thanx Famz.
I'll START AT YA' NECK - give ya' TORSO uh' "C-SECTION"
"Rip-Cord" U Vocally so you NO FLOW - just WEAK CONNECTION! STRANGLE ya' LIMP VESSEL wit ya' "very own" EXTRACTED VEINS... Bury U ~ Surely!, Pack you FIRMLY wit da' butt-uh'-da'-SHOVEL... Strip ya' SKIN TISSUE - an' WEAR IT LIKE "TWISTED HANNIBAL"... I'ma BREAK YOU DOWN, SON! - START CHOMPIN' YA' BONE MARROW... Edited by Madeye - 07 May 2008 at 12:58pm |
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<font color=darkgray>I'm only offended by those I respect... and I don't respect you[/COLOR]
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hanGing
Veteran Not to be Fucked With. Joined: 28 October 2003 Status: Offline Points: 5008 Text Rank: #8 Stats: 30-10-6 Form: NNWLNL |
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I'd drop a horrorcore verse first.. the multis really sacrificed your ability to sicken..
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SwordedStylez
Superior Member Joined: 16 August 2007 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 4921 Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-0-1 Form: WWWN |
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I agree with what Hanging said, your rhymes made the verse seem very forced, multis are ok but only if you use them in a way which doesn't take away impact from your verse, and yours really did. It's seemingly a wide-spread thing these days that people assume that if they fill a verse with rhymes (no matter how incoherent it makes their verse) then they've written a dope verse. Unfortunately, this myth truly sits in the realm of fantasy...
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Music
Ink - Always remembered, never forgotten (as a fake as fuck piece of shit who tried to steal 2 persona's) |
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Swift Styles
Standard Member Joined: 24 September 2007 Location: East Coast, US Status: Offline Points: 2014 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 9-4-1 Form: WWLWNL |
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is that?? your aktually not dead?^
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Madeye
Standard Member Joined: 25 March 2008 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 1177 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 8-4-0 Form: WWLLLL |
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Aiight Famz... I got'cha.
Next H-Core verse will put ya' tips into action. I appreciate ya' feeds.
One ['1]
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<font color=darkgray>I'm only offended by those I respect... and I don't respect you[/COLOR]
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CHAIN
Standard Member Joined: 14 November 2006 Status: Offline Points: 2769 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 8-4-0 Form: LWWLWW |
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i thought the lines were gruesome, multi's didn't bother me at all, maybe it's just me haha
STRANGLE ya' LIMP VESSEL wit ya' "very own" EXTRACTED VEINS... killer bar, multi's & flow...especially the flow, i was listening to (nas- star wars) while reading this, and the flow was illi! lol
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hanGing
Veteran Not to be Fucked With. Joined: 28 October 2003 Status: Offline Points: 5008 Text Rank: #8 Stats: 30-10-6 Form: NNWLNL |
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I just like it sicker than this.. shit i'm fussy when it comes to horrorcore.
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Fatal
Superior Member ...Wicked Wit Wordplay... Joined: 08 March 2005 Location: Chicago Status: Offline Points: 6441 Crew: The Dynasty Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 44-4-2 Form: WNNWWW |
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I gotta agree wit Sword. I seen alot of grammar problems due to you forcing certain multies...good read tho. Keep practicing man
...1
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SageOne
Standard Member Joined: 12 June 2006 Location: At Your House Status: Offline Points: 2976 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 34-13-2 Form: WLWLLL |
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Not bad...Not necessarily gruesome or demented but it was alright. Work on the lexicon though...it's hard to completely get everything you're typing.
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Madeye
Standard Member Joined: 25 March 2008 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 1177 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 8-4-0 Form: WWLLLL |
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Aiight, Famz...
Thanx for taking the time to feed this.
One ['1]
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<font color=darkgray>I'm only offended by those I respect... and I don't respect you[/COLOR]
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