Text Battle Archive: LA X - THE BATTLE ROYALE |
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-Orion-
Veteran Joined: 08 April 2004 Location: DisturbinLondon Status: Offline Points: 9598 Crew: Renegades Text Rank: #1 Stats: 90-4-1 Form: WWWWNW |
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Posted: 18 October 2013 at 10:44am |
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LAX BATTLE ROYALE CONTESTANTS #1 - The Law #2 - Dougy #3 - Zinaii #4 - The Guy #5 - Kiki #6 - Levy #7 - Nigma #8 - UNLM #9 - Chain #10 - Woods OR Lucky OR Spume OR Blissful RULES 9 rounds 8 lines each Battlers 1 and 2 contest first round Battler 1 drops first, Battler 2 second Winner stays on thereafter Challenger drops first each round Most votes per round wins Orion casts any tie-breaking vote All other rules House (meaning flipping IS allowed, crew votes are NOT) Final round winner is text title #1 contender ROUND 1 - The Law vs Dougy The Law drops by 12 noon UK/7am Eastern Oct 18 Dougy drops by 12 midnight UK/7pm Eastern Oct 18 Voting will close APPROXIMATELY 9pm UK/4pm Eastern Oct 19 Let's . . . gO
Edited by hanGing - 19 October 2013 at 5:58pm |
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They just said that FUCKIN' with me They didn't mean it Nah . . . |
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-Orion-
Veteran Joined: 08 April 2004 Location: DisturbinLondon Status: Offline Points: 9598 Crew: Renegades Text Rank: #1 Stats: 90-4-1 Form: WWWWNW |
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Oh good gOd you gotta fix that left align...it wasn't showing up like that when I was writing it...and it won't let me edit it... btw I should add, I'm not gonna be too fussed about 'free posts' in here...in the sense it doesn't JUST need to be verses and votes...obviously if you take advantage of that then one of Scooter's henchmen will go in on you, but posts here and there are OK... for a nine-round battle that's gonna last weeks and involve 10 people, I'd rather not have a separate 'discussion thread' for it...so, yeah...enjoy
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They just said that FUCKIN' with me They didn't mean it Nah . . . |
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
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Casse-toi! You lonely cunt.... Just "Pardon my French" while I shit on your lines Cause my 'shots'll leave you by your Nanna's side' like you should've been when she died Your a miserable fuck, posting your birthday in hopes to get some wishes kid?? Even your grandmother missed the shit, so he had his sweet 16 with the syndicate -___- eesh!! but You know my 'head shots have his sauce leaking' and staining up his noodle Until I get this 'dugout to dissappear' quicker than Shea Stadiums Removal Look at the difference.. If I get no sleep, everyone's concerned.. That's not the way you live it up You post it... and even scotty came to say that... 'NOBODY GIVES A FUCK'!! (so just leave and stay off) Expo: Bar 1 - Grandma/Nanna Death In OM says he was in 'french' when it happened.. 'Pardon my french' phrase reference, it also says he shoulda been by her side Bar 3 - Dugout/Doug Out, Shea Stadium Bar 4 - My No Sleep Post His post
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-Orion-
Veteran Joined: 08 April 2004 Location: DisturbinLondon Status: Offline Points: 9598 Crew: Renegades Text Rank: #1 Stats: 90-4-1 Form: WWWWNW |
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gOddamn
Thanks Law for starting LA X with a bang...now I'm starting to see why people weren't fazed by you drawing #1 Now Dougy - bring the house down
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They just said that FUCKIN' with me They didn't mean it Nah . . . |
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JBrenn
Superior Member Joined: 03 May 2006 Status: Offline Points: 3757 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 40-26-0 Form: WWLWWW |
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Law still writing that raw shit! Lax first blood!!!
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Titu
Superior Member Joined: 04 July 2013 Location: 🔥 Hell 🔥 Status: Offline Points: 4522 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-19-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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eagerly waiting for doughy to rise cuz LAW is almost done doughing his grave.lol
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Fuck That Fat smelly cunt Donald Trump, a racist asshole who is fucked in the head.
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
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You need to learn English kid. |
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Zinaii
Standard Member Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 2957 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-27-10 Form: WLNNNL |
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dougy aint gone drop he never drops
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Titu
Superior Member Joined: 04 July 2013 Location: 🔥 Hell 🔥 Status: Offline Points: 4522 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-19-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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I am eagerly waiting for dougy's response. |
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Fuck That Fat smelly cunt Donald Trump, a racist asshole who is fucked in the head.
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-Orion-
Veteran Joined: 08 April 2004 Location: DisturbinLondon Status: Offline Points: 9598 Crew: Renegades Text Rank: #1 Stats: 90-4-1 Form: WWWWNW |
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He said he would... You've got just over four hours Dougy... Bring the noise...and the funk too, why not
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They just said that FUCKIN' with me They didn't mean it Nah . . . |
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Dougysnuggy
Standard Member Joined: 24 June 2013 Location: Click on that v Status: Offline Points: 1972 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 13-11-5 Form: NWWWWL |
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Titu get rid of that avi...
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Titu
Superior Member Joined: 04 July 2013 Location: 🔥 Hell 🔥 Status: Offline Points: 4522 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-19-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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We are waiting for ya drop.
I will |
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Fuck That Fat smelly cunt Donald Trump, a racist asshole who is fucked in the head.
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Dougysnuggy
Standard Member Joined: 24 June 2013 Location: Click on that v Status: Offline Points: 1972 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 13-11-5 Form: NWWWWL |
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ATTENTION. if youre a dumbfuck who can't slant rhyme then don't vote... Line 5 and 6 have a slant rhyme.
Bar 2: He has trouble sleeping.
he's got ammo in this BR? Nah... I'll buy him Halo 2 I'll quad shot law and leave chief sleepin without his cryogenic tube Somebody hand this insomniac an ambien... but let the cameras film Because in his dreams is the only time somebody ever cared for him No labels made aware of him... I'm here to cause an uproar Found his homosex traits and forced em straight, applause (up law's) All his bars are average.. he's snoozin' with the cabbage patch When he's robbing mickey D's is the only time he's packin macs.. |
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Arthur
Veteran Joined: 23 August 2013 Location: London Status: Offline Points: 2311 Text Rank: #5 Stats: 36-7-0 Form: WWWWLL |
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Casse-toi! You lonely cunt.... Just "Pardon my French" while I shit on your lines
Cause my 'shots'll leave you by your Nanna's side' like you should've been when she died Your a miserable fuck, posting your birthday in hopes to get some wishes kid?? Even your grandmother missed the shit, so he had his sweet 16 with the syndicate -___- eesh!! but You know my 'head shots have his sauce leaking' and staining up his noodle Until I get this 'dugout to dissappear' quicker than Shea Stadiums Removal Look at the difference.. If I get no sleep, everyone's concerned.. That's not the way you live it up You post it... and even scotty came to say that... 'NOBODY GIVES A FUCK'!! (so just leave and stay off) Ok you opened with a raw gritty personal, i love it, no holds barred attitude as it should be. Thing is it weren't really a strong punchline, like i know the personal was hard but it could have been turned into an awesome punch with like a metaphor or something, still though because of the personal its quite a good opener. Referenced his grandmother again, maybe in the second bar move on from that topic, but i know that wasn't the main focal point of the second bar so it doesn't take too much away, the personal is another good one, but again maybe turning it into a nice punchline with a metaphor or something would have further increased its effect. Oh snap i love the 3rd bar, that's what I'm talking about with your punches that 3rd one is on point, the wordplay works, its a good nameplay which results in a great bar. The fourth bar was good, it had sick flow and again another solid personal hit, like the first two though i felt like it could have been turned into a sick punch, but the personal kinda makes up for it. Overall: the personals are all solid and its a great verse. Would have been even better had the personals been worked into SOLID punches. he's got ammo in this BR? Nah... I'll buy him Halo 2 I'll quad shot law and leave chief sleepin without his cryogenic tube Somebody hand this insomniac an ambien... but let the cameras film Because in his dreams is the only time somebody ever cared for him No labels made aware of him... I'm here to cause an uproar Found his homosex traits and forced em straight, applause (up law's) All his bars are average.. he's snoozin' with the cabbage patch When he's robbing mickey D's is the only time he's packin macs.. I had to google cryogenic tube, something about keeping things frozen? The thing about video games and bullets/ammo/guns/shots etc is that its kinda played dude. It wasn't the best opener, i thought you would come out swinging but it didn't make me jump out of my seat. The second bar has a kool personal, the whole sleep thing, i just felt as though it could have been worked into a much better punch than what you dropped "in his dreams is the only time someone cared for him" it kinda sounds like a setup and a hard hitting punch is to follow. With the slanted rhyme the wordplay does work. But what has the word applause got to do with the rest of the bar? The point of wordplay is to have that double meaning, i can't see that here dude. Its an okayish bar but again I've seen better stuff from you. Ok i'll be honest, the macs and mcdonalds thing is super played man, I'm sorry it just is. And its usually used the way you used it "packin macs" "bring more macs" "put the mac to your face" etc etc. Overall: its disappointing, i expected a lot more from you dougy and I've definitely seen better drops from you. Be more creative. Verdict: i gotta give it to law, he came with harder personals and his punchlines hit harder. Winner: The Law |
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Dougysnuggy
Standard Member Joined: 24 June 2013 Location: Click on that v Status: Offline Points: 1972 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 13-11-5 Form: NWWWWL |
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BR= a gun in halo. BR is an abbreviation for Battle royale.
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
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thanks for the breakdown arthur
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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Yeah, pretty clear advance for Law here...harder punches, sharper disses...Dougy didn't really bring any kind of tenacity in return.
Vote Law |
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mcwoods
Superior Member Joined: 04 December 2006 Status: Offline Points: 4204 Crew: XFade: Phoenix Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 42-51-0 Form: LLLLWW |
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I agree with a lot of what Arthur said, that said:
Law: To be honest, I didn't think this was as hot as people have said. I like the fact that you jab and punch throughout the lines, which will be effective in a shorter battle. More hits will do more damage. The opener is pretty hard hitting for the personal fact, a death in the family. Though I wasn't a big fan of the play or the way you phrased it. Using what he said could be seen as quite fitting, but to me, it's just reiterating a statement. Next bar was okay, again it's personal, which is good, but he posted up his own birthday, so what? It has the potential for a good punch, but it's more like stating a fact. 3rd bar was probably your best for me as it's a nice play, though im a little unsure of the wording, 'dug-out to disappear' I get dugout as in baseball, but the other way I don't really see how it works? If his name was dugout, then fair enough, but the other way seems awkwardly worded to me. 4th bar again seems to be more fact stating. You have a straight forward style. Which I can see working well, but my preference is cleverness, humour, wittiness etc. You had nice personals and you know how to construct a good verse. To me it's obvious you know what you're doing, but I just thought you could have done a little more. I'm maybe being overly critical, as I expected a lot based on everyones expectations of you. Dougy: I think you had a decent chance here, but this verse wasn't enough to do it. Starting off by calling the potential voters, dumbfucks lol, isn't the best idea. This may sound stupid, but it seems to me the way people style their verses has an effect on the voters minds. If you look at yours vs laws in purely look, laws blows yours away, he has the nice expos, the centre text (lol) the brackets, the big ups etc, yours seems more slapped down. To me, it may seem ridiculous, but it can effect how someone reads a verse. Things like exclamation points and question marks can add to a verse. Putting emphasis on the right parts etc. In the future I would consider cleaning that up and putting more into that side, as it's the little things that make the difference. Apart from that: First bar, i would have swapped the two lines, I liked the first one and wasnt a fan of the second. Using BR is clever and is good material, but it's a very specific shot and not everyone is going to be able to get behind it. Second bar I don't get at all, this isn't really a personal, hardly a punch, unless i'm missing something? No one's gonna read that and think it's killer, the basic punch is: 'No one likes you', if thats it, then it's gonna fall flat. 3rd bar is okay, that stuff is pretty played out, applause/up laws, is clever, but it needs to be made into a harder hitting play. 4th bar is the same problem. So he doesn't pack guns? This is a forum. I doubt many people are actual gangsters who actually own and shoot guns. You have to think when you're writing a punch, 'is this gonna make my opponent look worse?' Two of your punches where, no one cares for him and he doesnt own guns. People are gonna read that and think, so what? It needs to be more personal, more creative and more unique. You have potential. You have the right ideas, but haven't developed them fully. You need to look at more top verses and incorporate more of their aspects into yours. You could have the sickest play ever, but if the punch is: 'you have no friends', it's still not gonna be killer. If you keep writing and take on board from other people, I think you can go far. But this wasn't your best effort I don't think. All that said, Law is the more experienced battler and it showed. Hopefully both come out swinging next round. Vote: The Law. |
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mcwoods
Superior Member Joined: 04 December 2006 Status: Offline Points: 4204 Crew: XFade: Phoenix Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 42-51-0 Form: LLLLWW |
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Good breakdown Cu
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Dougysnuggy
Standard Member Joined: 24 June 2013 Location: Click on that v Status: Offline Points: 1972 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 13-11-5 Form: NWWWWL |
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Mods?... I want feed. |
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