Open Mic: Enlightened |
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HexicKomplex 
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Joined: 18 July 2014 Location: Jersey, USA Status: Offline Points: 38 |
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 Topic: EnlightenedPosted: 18 July 2014 at 10:44pm |
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wow a really impressive display of multis here....they were nicely blended with the content for an overall solid drop...
now I'm picking here...the only bar that didn't jive for me was "cold with dust"...felt SLIGHTLY forced and didn't make much sense.. actually now that I reread it it makes more sense...your soul was cold and had dust on it...the way I read it the first time was that it was cold with dust...as if dust could be cold...well I guess it could...what am I babbling about? anyway...the structure is on point, the flow is amazing, and the content was blended in with a smooth touch. nice drop. also would appreciate return on the feed as I'm new here and know I won't receive much: http://www.lyricalassault.co.uk/forum/resistance-of-self_topic33434.html damn it won't let me embed a hyperlink for some reason. Edited by HexicKomplex - 18 July 2014 at 10:54pm |
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Freeda5thDawg
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Joined: 19 June 2006 Status: Offline Points: 1324 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-1-0 Form: WWWLWW |
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Posted: 18 July 2014 at 10:31pm |
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Law: Appreciate that, dude. The recognition is greatly appreciated from you. Glad you liked it.
Duzt: Man, I learned from Twilight...everyone there. You were one of the first to welcome me to it and for that, I improved and stuck to it. Thanks for the feedback, man. Cheers!
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Exoduzt
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NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
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Posted: 18 July 2014 at 2:37am |
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Freeda....damn my dude...from when we first started way before this site the way you have improved and the way you put that scheme out is something on another level...I recognized this when we were in twilight ent. together...I knew you were gonna bring it to another level and basically surpass everyone when it came down to it...this is one drop that basically proves my point. I know I get credit for my flow and my internals but I have learned from the best and damn dude...i dont know what to say...I feel with you recent activity your not so 'underrated anymore' ...I never thought you were.
"---My eyes are quenched... The silence ends as I commence to write intense And find the sense of life and strength inside the time we spent Together never severed ever as the night was drenched The right intent was driven by the wishes I repent We fight and then arrive content because your guide prevents... The blinded lens my sight ascends to cry and tempt my mind to clench In my defense I've minimized this victimized descent... To kiss the skies the way your lips persist to lift us high again As if our lives were meant to tie us in a bind and lend... Us light to let our might attempt to shine as bright as diamond gems We symbolize the civilized in simple times of men... And women in it as they rise against the lies that lie in friends As violent trends extend the lengths of all the lives entrenched I write laments and blend the pride of gents with my revenge Recite it when I chime in at the lines of live events And hope the wise amend the broken ties my rhymes cement I hope the enlightenment of life exists----pffff...my last OM "Godzilla" got classic verse mentions and shit....nah...no where near what this verse was....just a constant pounding of lyricism and a scheme of constant internals that flowed off the tongue like I was spitting a loogie. Never thought I'd have to pay respect - Now I'm facing debt... And at this rate regret will make me stress to save a check I've seen the days are less amazing as I stayed and slept Cause lately death erased what's left of any faith I kept Fuck the rays, just let it rain until the pain's suppressed For if my fate is next I'm laying with no weight to press Way depressed but ain't no way I'll cave in as I face... My angel as she lays I feel her grace beneath her naked breasts"---just the way you put this and how I can personally relate to this just hits home and its just pure. and you connect it with just a flow that is non stop. Throw on stuff like clothes and crud I'd never really own as much And showing guts wasn't unknown to us, we chose to trust The focus wasn't bogus but my bro wasn't opposed to drugs I composed a troubled poem but flushed it over ducts The broken brush of hope would rust, my soul was ever cold with dust As old as nether bones the months would grow but won't adjust My phone should buzz to ask me how I'm holding up but no one budged----damn man...that no one budged line hit me hard....this is one of the best OM's I've seen...ever Freeda....i got nothing else to say cept' for... damn... and thanks for the motivation for me to step my game up and become a better writer like this....smh |
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The Law
Site Moderator 
God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504  Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
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Posted: 17 July 2014 at 12:58pm |
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This drop was off the chain regarding the rhyme schemes, internals, flow, wording, vocab. In all the aspects of writing you did a job well done. The way you held the same scheme for each of the pieces was outstanding, but what really made it outstanding is that the wording and the content didn't lack due to the keeping the rhyme scheme the same. You made it all work perfectly together for you. This piece was one of a kind, IMO.
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Freeda5thDawg
Standard Member
Joined: 19 June 2006 Status: Offline Points: 1324 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-1-0 Form: WWWLWW |
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Posted: 15 July 2014 at 8:10am |
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I truly appreciate all the feedback and time you guys gave me. Big thanks to you all.
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Nigma
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Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4077 Crew: Elision   |
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Posted: 15 July 2014 at 7:23am |
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One does not simply comment on a Freeda drop with complaints, rather they enter to pay respects. I read this thoroughly and enjoyed it the same. You're definitely my fav from this site, ty for another classic
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Cuba
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Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12329  Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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Posted: 13 July 2014 at 10:19pm |
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Goes without saying the rhyming / rhyme scheme is immense...loved that "symbolised the civilised in simple times for men" line, real high quality.
Pay respect / facing debt was awesome. Whole style is epic, unbelievable that you always seem to come through and throw down a huge overflow of rhymes and always keep that variety and not repeating yourself!! So yeah, heavy hitting drop...you always make it difficult for yourself because we've all come to expect such a high standard of lyricism from you & you need to go to an even higher level to impress us!! Crazy really... |
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Kosmosis
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Joined: 12 April 2010 Status: Offline Points: 3264 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-15-1 Form: WWLLNL |
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Posted: 13 July 2014 at 2:47am |
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Take note:
This is how to rhyme and have concepts and actually mean something. your middle section was real af. |
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Receiving backhanded compliments from Orion since 11-28-13.
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Sensei Shun
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Joined: 28 September 2013 Status: Offline Points: 102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-1-0 Form: WWLW |
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Posted: 13 July 2014 at 2:15am |
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Man, I peeped the thread to return the favor. But honestly, after reading that, the pleasures mind. This was a great flow driven freeverse. Alot of people take for granted the amount of skill it takes to carry a scheme through stanzas like you did here. Really impressive in that regard. I mean the flow was butter smooth. Honestly, nothing to really nitpick about. This was just a great job. My hats off to you
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J504
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Joined: 08 June 2010 Status: Offline Points: 5385 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 25-0-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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Posted: 12 July 2014 at 8:55pm |
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Free, you still kill at this shit. When I first got this site and peeped classic verses and yours was one of the very first ones that really made me say,"wow, there's some dudes here who can rhyme".
What's great is showcasing your skill here in this one but you still storytelling and flowing not just for that sake of rhyming. This is some skilled rhyming right here, really enjoyed it. |
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JBrenn
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Joined: 03 May 2006 Status: Offline Points: 3756 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 40-26-0 Form: WWLWWW |
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Posted: 12 July 2014 at 8:19pm |
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The whole first stanza Is FUCKING BANANAS!!!
FIRST LET ME SAY IF EVERYONE DOESNT COME FEED THIS AFTER THE WORK YOU PUT IN TO FEED EVERYBODY'S DROPS I WILL RIOT!!! That said this is an amazing display of multis and flow the syllable count has to be off the charts here.... You hit this one out the park boss!
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Point Blank
Superior Member
Joined: 20 May 2005 Status: Offline Points: 7234 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 92-27-5 Form: WWNWWN |
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Posted: 12 July 2014 at 12:32am |
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The broken brush of hope would rust, my soul was ever cold with dust As old as nether bones the months would grow but won't adjust My phone should buzz to ask me how I'm holding up but no one budged Alone and crushed because the only love I've known was what... The both of us had spoken of while choking up through frozen hugs Dope, I loved the audio version of this too man you should post that seperately in the audio mic section and I really hope you record a lot more of your drops and share them with us. Definitely one of my favourite writers of all time and this piece shows why. Keep them coming man |
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Freeda5thDawg
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Joined: 19 June 2006 Status: Offline Points: 1324 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-1-0 Form: WWWLWW |
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Posted: 11 July 2014 at 4:53am |
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Haha, now that's an idea...rhyming feedback. I appreciate the words, Red, thank you. Glad you enjoyed it that much.
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Red-B
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Joined: 09 January 2014 Location: FL Status: Offline Points: 408 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-0-1 Form: NWW |
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Posted: 10 July 2014 at 9:57pm |
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You are a fucking genius, what can I say honestly your way above my level, no one can question your schemes they where doper than ever best shit I've seen on LA honestly in my opinion, the flow was butter smooth and the vocabulary that you used in this piece was just fucking crazy, good work here man I wouldn't be suprised if your feedback rhymed your fucking crazy bro, DOPE!
Keep up and stay blessed |
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Freeda5thDawg
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Joined: 19 June 2006 Status: Offline Points: 1324 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-1-0 Form: WWWLWW |
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Posted: 10 July 2014 at 9:14pm |
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Haze - Appreciate the feedback, man! I'm definitely going to keep trying to drop more consistently.
Titu - Appreciate that, man. I guess that's just what my writing progressed into. Others are great at the highly complex styles but I always felt that I forced it when I tried, haha. Thanks, fellas.
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Titu
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Joined: 04 July 2013 Location: 🔥 Hell 🔥 Status: Offline Points: 4522 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-19-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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Posted: 10 July 2014 at 8:46pm |
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I would like to tell my personal opinion on this piece rather than other technical shit cuz you don't need it anyways...at least not from me.
People like going complex with their verses but i dont like over complex shit tbh. The goal of the verse should be to deliver the message across in a creative way. If people are not getting what you're saying, then its useless.verse complexity should be on that perfect line which lies somewhere between the highly complex and simple stuff. What i like about your style ( it can be seen here), you put in tons of internals etc without going overly complex. On top of that, keeping the same rhyme scheme for the most of its part/such a good flow/not letting the readers interest slide and still not going over complex, i think you did an awesome job here. That's what make you among the dopest writers. I mean... That shit was literally flawless. |
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Fuck That Fat smelly cunt Donald Trump, a racist asshole who is fucked in the head.
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H4ZE
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Joined: 13 July 2013 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1859 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-6-0 Form: WWLLLL |
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Posted: 08 July 2014 at 3:12am |
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damn man, the rhyme schemes throughout this piece are fucking crazy, this is why I love your work,you always have dope content, amazing flow and crazy rhyme schemes. I don't see how you do this shit. It's crazy to me. Good work man, really dope shit. Hope to see more from you soo.
Keep it up and stay blessed man. Good work.
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Freeda5thDawg
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Joined: 19 June 2006 Status: Offline Points: 1324 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-1-0 Form: WWWLWW |
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Posted: 07 July 2014 at 6:06pm |
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I guess I could say I'm an audio head at heart but in reality have only recorded a couple songs a long time ago when I was younger. My idea was always to do strictly audio as I grew older and that was when I was around 14 or 15. It never came into fruition as the I continued prioritizing the other parts of my life. But since the beginning when I started writing as a teenager, almost everything, if not everything, I've ever written was to its respective beat. And if it didn't have a beat and I decided to keep the piece (let's say writing during school or something) I would find a beat for it, revise the flow to it and that's that. Anyway, I do have some connection to a recording studio but I guess I haven't found that right push to go and work on some stuff.
But I did however just record the song with the beat I wrote it to on my phone just so you got an idea of the delivery and feel of it. So I do apologize that it's not a studio quality piece of audio, I basically used my phone's voice recorder: Got me sounding like I have a lisp but I don't at all, haha. And thank you for the feed, man. Same to Ghul and nomedic, I really appreciate you guys for taking the time to check the piece out. Glad you enjoyed it.
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iLL ScriptureZ
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Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
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Posted: 07 July 2014 at 5:31pm |
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Are you an audio head? I can tell that you have an ability to write a song. Believe it or not people struggle with writing a song. They lose track and the message behind. You clearly have that ability to be coherent and consistent. I'd really would like to hear the audio presence of this. The content is good, now I'd like to hear the delivery. Great writing.
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Ghul
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Joined: 04 July 2014 Location: Pittsburgh Status: Offline Points: 262 |
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Posted: 07 July 2014 at 5:20pm |
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Pretty much gonna say what everyone else already has in that your rhymes are nut in this. It's like every word connects with every word, pretty insane a stuff. Just based on that alone is impressive, not to mention your sick flow
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