Open Mic: Enlightened |
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Freeda5thDawg
Standard Member Joined: 19 June 2006 Status: Offline Points: 1324 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-1-0 Form: WWWLWW |
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Posted: 07 July 2014 at 1:26pm |
My eyes are quenched...
The silence ends as I commence to write intense And find the sense of life and strength inside the time we spent Together never severed ever as the night was drenched The right intent was driven by the wishes I repent We fight and then arrive content because your guide prevents... The blinded lens my sight ascends to cry and tempt my mind to clench In my defense I've minimized this victimized descent... To kiss the skies the way your lips persist to lift us high again As if our lives were meant to tie us in a bind and lend... Us light to let our might attempt to shine as bright as diamond gems We symbolize the civilized in simple times of men... And women in it as they rise against the lies that lie in friends As violent trends extend the lengths of all the lives entrenched I write laments and blend the pride of gents with my revenge Recite it when I chime in at the lines of live events And hope the wise amend the broken ties my rhymes cement I hope the enlightenment of life exists Never thought I'd have to pay respect - Now I'm facing debt... And at this rate regret will make me stress to save a check I've seen the days are less amazing as I stayed and slept Cause lately death erased what's left of any faith I kept Fuck the rays, just let it rain until the pain's suppressed For if my fate is next I'm laying with no weight to press Way depressed but ain't no way I'll cave in as I face... My angel as she lays I feel her grace beneath her naked breasts That beats a breadth of peace and blessed my needs to age correct If I could break these chains just guess who I'll be saving next If ya'll could wait with patience just awhile, be brave and rest And I could take the nameless up the clouds replacing jets Take these steps and then attain the greatness they reject Maybe then you'll turn the page and burn the traces left To learn your place is set above the serpents making threats Cause if it ain't success, I'm better off by playing dead I know the enlightenment of life begins I thought that I was growing up, if only luck Could show me what my glory was supposed to clutch You'd know what's up... Was never close enough to blow the bucks and gold to just Throw on stuff like clothes and crud I'd never really own as much And showing guts wasn't unknown to us, we chose to trust The focus wasn't bogus but my bro wasn't opposed to drugs I composed a troubled poem but flushed it over ducts The broken brush of hope would rust, my soul was ever cold with dust As old as nether bones the months would grow but won't adjust My phone should buzz to ask me how I'm holding up but no one budged Alone and crushed because the only love I've known was what... The both of us had spoken of while choking up through frozen hugs The smoke was stuffing up my lungs enough to croak but fuck! In that moment what I saw was us, a throne and cups We hold 'em up and toast to us, the ones who rose above And if my open cuts won't close enough I'll sew 'em shut I hold the enlightenment of life within
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SwordedStylez
Superior Member Joined: 16 August 2007 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 4921 Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-0-1 Form: WWWN |
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See, now this is how to do it haha. Your natural ability to rhyme is so enjoyable for me to read, I think of everyone here you are the person who's method I'd be most interested in seeing and studying. It always stuns me how similar our rhyme schemes are actually, if it wasn't for the content I could imagine writing most of these lines myself - take that as a massive compliment, I'm very particular about rhymes and to literally put out rhymes where I go "wow, I like that, I do it like that too, this is fucking cool" is a level of skill beyond all but a very select few writers, you're one of the few. Content was beautifully delivered and your coherency with the level of rhyming is again something I find very admirable. The second verse is the strongest for me, both in delivery and message, from the first line to naked breasts is some of the best writing I've had the pleasure of reading in a very long time and the skill you used when writing those lines is remarkable. You're in a very unique position, as you have an almost "opposite style" to me in terms of the things you write about and the way you write them, yet you also have the technical approach that delivers results most like my own - this means you can pretty much get away with writing anything you want and I'm going to enjoy it. Simple fantastic. Props.
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Music
Ink - Always remembered, never forgotten (as a fake as fuck piece of shit who tried to steal 2 persona's) |
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Ransom
Standard Member Joined: 30 June 2014 Location: 7 Citys Status: Offline Points: 911 Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-0-0 Form: WW |
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Damn bro welcome to the rhyming bananza.. Nothing I enjoy more then verses that just flow well.. Multis everywhere I consider myself an honest person and I can tell you I didn't have to force myself through this for one second.. Keep it up man
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Freeda5thDawg
Standard Member Joined: 19 June 2006 Status: Offline Points: 1324 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-1-0 Form: WWWLWW |
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SS - Greatly appreciate the words and especially the comparison, man. I can definitely agree with the "opposite style" part, too. I always take notice when checking your stuff out. Much thanks, dude.
Ransom - Really glad that you felt that ease of flow. It's one of the things I obsess over. Thanks for the feedback, man.
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nomedic
Standard Member Joined: 11 January 2014 Location: South Africa Status: Offline Points: 1578 Crew: Hunger Games Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 35-25-0 Form: WWLLWL |
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Man your rhyme scheme is out of this world serious
Your pattern just trickles off the tongue and not even one forced rhyme Liked all the sections of this piece …it must take dedication to want To say something but in a way that has a ridiculous multi count you Pulled it off effortlessly showing us how its done and content was also On point i dont know what deserves praise more cause you killed that simultaneously loved this piece for real |
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Ghul
Banned Joined: 04 July 2014 Location: Pittsburgh Status: Offline Points: 262 |
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Pretty much gonna say what everyone else already has in that your rhymes are nut in this. It's like every word connects with every word, pretty insane a stuff. Just based on that alone is impressive, not to mention your sick flow
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
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Are you an audio head? I can tell that you have an ability to write a song. Believe it or not people struggle with writing a song. They lose track and the message behind. You clearly have that ability to be coherent and consistent. I'd really would like to hear the audio presence of this. The content is good, now I'd like to hear the delivery. Great writing.
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Freeda5thDawg
Standard Member Joined: 19 June 2006 Status: Offline Points: 1324 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-1-0 Form: WWWLWW |
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I guess I could say I'm an audio head at heart but in reality have only recorded a couple songs a long time ago when I was younger. My idea was always to do strictly audio as I grew older and that was when I was around 14 or 15. It never came into fruition as the I continued prioritizing the other parts of my life. But since the beginning when I started writing as a teenager, almost everything, if not everything, I've ever written was to its respective beat. And if it didn't have a beat and I decided to keep the piece (let's say writing during school or something) I would find a beat for it, revise the flow to it and that's that. Anyway, I do have some connection to a recording studio but I guess I haven't found that right push to go and work on some stuff.
But I did however just record the song with the beat I wrote it to on my phone just so you got an idea of the delivery and feel of it. So I do apologize that it's not a studio quality piece of audio, I basically used my phone's voice recorder: Got me sounding like I have a lisp but I don't at all, haha. And thank you for the feed, man. Same to Ghul and nomedic, I really appreciate you guys for taking the time to check the piece out. Glad you enjoyed it.
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H4ZE
Standard Member Joined: 13 July 2013 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1859 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-6-0 Form: WWLLLL |
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damn man, the rhyme schemes throughout this piece are fucking crazy, this is why I love your work,you always have dope content, amazing flow and crazy rhyme schemes. I don't see how you do this shit. It's crazy to me. Good work man, really dope shit. Hope to see more from you soo.
Keep it up and stay blessed man. Good work.
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Titu
Superior Member Joined: 04 July 2013 Location: 🔥 Hell 🔥 Status: Offline Points: 4522 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-19-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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I would like to tell my personal opinion on this piece rather than other technical shit cuz you don't need it anyways...at least not from me.
People like going complex with their verses but i dont like over complex shit tbh. The goal of the verse should be to deliver the message across in a creative way. If people are not getting what you're saying, then its useless.verse complexity should be on that perfect line which lies somewhere between the highly complex and simple stuff. What i like about your style ( it can be seen here), you put in tons of internals etc without going overly complex. On top of that, keeping the same rhyme scheme for the most of its part/such a good flow/not letting the readers interest slide and still not going over complex, i think you did an awesome job here. That's what make you among the dopest writers. I mean... That shit was literally flawless. |
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Fuck That Fat smelly cunt Donald Trump, a racist asshole who is fucked in the head.
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Freeda5thDawg
Standard Member Joined: 19 June 2006 Status: Offline Points: 1324 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-1-0 Form: WWWLWW |
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Haze - Appreciate the feedback, man! I'm definitely going to keep trying to drop more consistently.
Titu - Appreciate that, man. I guess that's just what my writing progressed into. Others are great at the highly complex styles but I always felt that I forced it when I tried, haha. Thanks, fellas.
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Red-B
Groupie Joined: 09 January 2014 Location: FL Status: Offline Points: 408 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-0-1 Form: NWW |
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You are a fucking genius, what can I say honestly your way above my level, no one can question your schemes they where doper than ever best shit I've seen on LA honestly in my opinion, the flow was butter smooth and the vocabulary that you used in this piece was just fucking crazy, good work here man I wouldn't be suprised if your feedback rhymed your fucking crazy bro, DOPE!
Keep up and stay blessed |
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Freeda5thDawg
Standard Member Joined: 19 June 2006 Status: Offline Points: 1324 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-1-0 Form: WWWLWW |
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Haha, now that's an idea...rhyming feedback. I appreciate the words, Red, thank you. Glad you enjoyed it that much.
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Point Blank
Superior Member Joined: 20 May 2005 Status: Offline Points: 7234 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 92-27-5 Form: WWNWWN |
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The broken brush of hope would rust, my soul was ever cold with dust As old as nether bones the months would grow but won't adjust My phone should buzz to ask me how I'm holding up but no one budged Alone and crushed because the only love I've known was what... The both of us had spoken of while choking up through frozen hugs Dope, I loved the audio version of this too man you should post that seperately in the audio mic section and I really hope you record a lot more of your drops and share them with us. Definitely one of my favourite writers of all time and this piece shows why. Keep them coming man |
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JBrenn
Superior Member Joined: 03 May 2006 Status: Offline Points: 3754 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 40-26-0 Form: WWLWWW |
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The whole first stanza Is FUCKING BANANAS!!!
FIRST LET ME SAY IF EVERYONE DOESNT COME FEED THIS AFTER THE WORK YOU PUT IN TO FEED EVERYBODY'S DROPS I WILL RIOT!!! That said this is an amazing display of multis and flow the syllable count has to be off the charts here.... You hit this one out the park boss!
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J504
Banned Joined: 08 June 2010 Status: Offline Points: 5385 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 25-0-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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Free, you still kill at this shit. When I first got this site and peeped classic verses and yours was one of the very first ones that really made me say,"wow, there's some dudes here who can rhyme".
What's great is showcasing your skill here in this one but you still storytelling and flowing not just for that sake of rhyming. This is some skilled rhyming right here, really enjoyed it. |
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Sensei Shun
Groupie Joined: 28 September 2013 Status: Offline Points: 102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-1-0 Form: WWLW |
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Man, I peeped the thread to return the favor. But honestly, after reading that, the pleasures mind. This was a great flow driven freeverse. Alot of people take for granted the amount of skill it takes to carry a scheme through stanzas like you did here. Really impressive in that regard. I mean the flow was butter smooth. Honestly, nothing to really nitpick about. This was just a great job. My hats off to you
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Kosmosis
Superior Member Joined: 12 April 2010 Status: Offline Points: 3264 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-15-1 Form: WWLLNL |
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Take note:
This is how to rhyme and have concepts and actually mean something. your middle section was real af. |
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Receiving backhanded compliments from Orion since 11-28-13.
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Online Points: 12327 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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Goes without saying the rhyming / rhyme scheme is immense...loved that "symbolised the civilised in simple times for men" line, real high quality.
Pay respect / facing debt was awesome. Whole style is epic, unbelievable that you always seem to come through and throw down a huge overflow of rhymes and always keep that variety and not repeating yourself!! So yeah, heavy hitting drop...you always make it difficult for yourself because we've all come to expect such a high standard of lyricism from you & you need to go to an even higher level to impress us!! Crazy really... |
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Nigma
Site Moderator Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4077 Crew: Elision |
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One does not simply comment on a Freeda drop with complaints, rather they enter to pay respects. I read this thoroughly and enjoyed it the same. You're definitely my fav from this site, ty for another classic
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