Open Mic: "A Story of Love in a Frozen Hell" |
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Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #3 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
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Posted: 04 December 2014 at 11:55pm |
A Story of Love in a Frozen Hell |
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Slips_138
Groupie Joined: 27 June 2014 Location: Ohio Status: Offline Points: 157 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-2-0 Form: LLW |
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Bro this was amazing. It really gave off the emotion tht u intended. I could really feel the words and ut was a very well put together piece.it flowed well. Rhymes werr solid. I hope to bvable to write this good one day.
Keep it uo man this waa Great! |
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Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #3 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
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thanks Slips
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Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #3 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
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any more love??
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Mission
Standard Member Joined: 13 September 2014 Location: Madison. MS Status: Offline Points: 2291 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 8-9-1 Form: LWLLLN |
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but you got mad at me for saying with love lol. First off, bursted, is not a word. That aside, this piece was amazing bro. The consistent realistic conversation between the two characters is very touching. You did a great job of balancing dialogue with narration. I think you could have used more intelligent vocabulary at certain parts, and that would have made this even better. I don't know if you plan to continue this as a series like we discussed, would be sad if they just died in the end lol, but I could keep reading and reading man. Great job
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Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #3 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
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Nah, this'll be the only one. I think I ended it in a real touching way. And the only problem with using "intelligent vocabulary" in pieces like this is how much of the emotion and feeling it takes away. As for "bursted", that must've just been a typo lmao. Thanks for the feed
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Mission
Standard Member Joined: 13 September 2014 Location: Madison. MS Status: Offline Points: 2291 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 8-9-1 Form: LWLLLN |
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oh ok makes sense. yo when u get a chance would u mind dropping some feed on the audio i dropped with versafire. Its the first track ive released from my new tape really trying to get some feed while putting this together
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H4ZE
Standard Member Joined: 13 July 2013 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1859 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-6-0 Form: WWLLLL |
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Yo this is dope E, you're really becoming an amazing topical writer. Very well written, wording, emotion, was all there and very consistent. Flow was smooth, which is normal from you now. The way you put the story together, with the conversations between the two was cool too man. Really dope piece. Keep at it.
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Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #3 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
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thanks for all the love peeps
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Titu
Superior Member Joined: 04 July 2013 Location: 🔥 Hell 🔥 Status: Offline Points: 4522 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-19-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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Loved it. From what I remember, you have really stepped up. Story was interesting and kept me hooked. I can tell you that technical hoonlah but I wont. Because this one was good and didnt let my attention stumble. Props on the elevation dawg
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Fuck That Fat smelly cunt Donald Trump, a racist asshole who is fucked in the head.
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Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #3 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
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Thanks T2, preciate it famm
syn
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IZIAH
Standard Member Joined: 31 August 2012 Location: alberta, Canada Status: Offline Points: 2041 Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-3-1 Form: WLLWLN |
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this was great dude, the emotions and wording was there, and ur rhyming and schemes helped it greatly, keep it up man.
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~Insight The Inspired~
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Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #3 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
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thanks IZ
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Pompus
Groupie Joined: 28 April 2014 Status: Offline Points: 286 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-0-0 Form: W |
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Alright man I'ma give it to you straight, you got imagery down, for me at least, that's what carried this and I did find myself reading faster at some parts, which means you got urgency across, that said, story was cheesy and told poorly, very telling, you used the word love profusely, which in a love story gets old very quickly, I didn't believe these characters because they fit together, I knew them because you tried so hard convince me of who they were, also I disagree with everyone concerning the wording, I don't think honestly anyone can say they looked at there lady and studied their passionate love, you study her eyes her lips her mouth hell even her breath, "I could feel the lovely energy" why describe the energy rather than describe the way it made you feel? The Titanic line was out of place but I took it for what it was a metaphor and the way you closed that line gave it weight, and actually furthered the thought. As far as the conversation between the two, again didn't feel any real connection, "woefully smeared?" Either they're in the Bible or you burped Shakespeare for two seconds, nobody talks like that, especially not people on fire. The song idea, gay gay gay, straight Twilight shit, not saying we can't be affectionate as writers or portray that, but that whole scene has to be handled with finesse, your version has been done before, and considering I'm not a13 year old girl that whole thing missed me, "my broken conscience had these fearful thoughts replay in my mind" what fearful thoughts, " these" is way too general, and you didn't mention anything prior, and the whole hells plan thing, having it tell, foreshadow, come back around, it was just trying, and imo unresolved, yeah they went through whatever but you gave no reason for that to be the name, quote, idea in their head, I felt a back story would have been helpful to that, some point of reference, but instead in was like "Oh, here's a quote it has to do with the title, because the end of the lives of these people who were in love sucked." Anyway, I did like the overall story as a sorry but not how you got it there, no hate, just didn't feel this one, stay up
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Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #3 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
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Appreciate the feed.
But I'm not going to read a novel of it. Whatever you said, I'd probably appreciate the honesty regardless.
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Pompus
Groupie Joined: 28 April 2014 Status: Offline Points: 286 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-0-0 Form: W |
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Lol no its not about honesty its about critique, ive never given you anything that wasn't aimed to bang out some of the rough edges and make you better, whether it was harsh or not, I could not with a good conscience tell you something was good when it wasn't or at least let you know where something could have been better, I am just as honest with my students, I know you don't like it, everytime I feed you with something less than "dude you're amazing" I can tell from your uninterested and "whatever" response. if you can not handle the little that I say and you are thinking of going seriously into the literary world, as any of the others here that are actually in it can tell you, it gets a lot colder, but it's just one persons opinion, you don't have to listen to it, as I'm sure that you won't
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Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #3 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
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What are you talking about?
All I said was I wasn't interested in reading 3 bible chapters of feed. I never disagreed with any of it.
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Mission
Standard Member Joined: 13 September 2014 Location: Madison. MS Status: Offline Points: 2291 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 8-9-1 Form: LWLLLN |
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lmao if u ask for feed u should read it all. heck i read it all and agreed with him.
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