Open Mic: "A Story of Love in a Frozen Hell"

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    Posted: 04 December 2014 at 11:55pm

A Story of Love in a Frozen Hell

I would gaze in her pupils, studying our passionate love
Monica Wells, my life.. I could not ask for enough
Though our wonderland would soon perish, I had hoped for peace
And latched onto her love in which she stowed in me
I would brush my lips softly against hers as a "goodnight" gesture
Our love jumped leaps and bounds, far beyond our own measures
We were soulmates.. I felt as if I would never find true love
But after meeting her... I had known that she was the one
I could feel the lovely energy every instance of held hands
But our love couldn't stop what we'd soon called "Hell's Plan"

...

I heard her shattering scream as I rushed to her aid
With wood and rubble on her body, she was stuck in the blaze
As I dragged her to freedom, my mind alerted with danger
Our house in flames, my only main motive was to save her
We bursted through the front door, as I gasp on black smoke
It was like we were trying to rush off of the Titanic
And we scrambled and crammed ourselves into the last boat....

--------------------------------------------------------------
"John... John!" Monica yelled, her voice faint as John awakes.
"What? ... Where are we?", said John.
"I don't know anymore... we're better off in hell..", she said.
--------------------------------------------------------------

As soon as those frightful words emanated through her precious lips
I knew that our situation was one that had left us amidst
In the fierce winter of Alaska, we only had each other to hold
As we shiver, shake, and tremble in the smothering cold
I clasped my hand inside of hers and smiled, "Baby, we're good
Only the bad moments leave us waiting for good.
But until we find shelter... these chilling nights will be among."
She shed a tear that looked as crystalized as the icicles above
We arose from the stone-like snow, and trudged toward new hope
As we walked, she glanced, saying "Honey, sing me that song that you wrote."

"I just wanna hold you...
I just wanna be the one you love...
I just wanna live through the tough times
Because if we have each other, that's enough.."

As the sun set behind the trees, the moonlight gazed upon our broken affection
In my thoughts, I was screaming for God to show us a message
But he hadn't, and I had feared that it was too late for a sign
My broken conscious had these fearful thoughts replay in my mind
I stopped her.. looking into her pale, emotionless expression
She looked like a bully's victim trying to hold in her aggression
I could read her exact thoughts.. she had given up the will to go.
I was speechless.. "Baby.. ah.. uhm... listen, soon this chilling slows."
She curled her lip in frustration, trying to hold back her tears
"None of this is getting better, our lives are woefully smeared!
We've been walking for days, I'm hungry... thirsty.. I need shelter."
I could tell her face was sunken in, and I needed to help her.
I picked her up, as I slowly tried to hurry to spot a house
She grew more weary with every step.. I needed to sit her down...

--------------------------------------------------------------
"Monica.. can you hear me? Monica!" I yelled.
She opened her eyes slightly, "John.... I think this is the end.
Look at us... we're dying in the wilderness.." She choked
"I don't see us making it out alive, John..."
I cleared my throat, crying "I think it is... but at least we die together."
She grinned and said "That's how I always wanted it to be."
I grinned back at her, as we weakly met our lips for the last time.
We curled up together in the snow, waiting to pass away.
As she said "John....... sing me that song, one last time...."
--------------------------------------------------------------

"I just wanna hold you...
I just wanna be the one you love...
I just wanna live through the tough times
Because if we have each other, that's....... enough.."

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Slips_138 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 December 2014 at 1:19am
Bro this was amazing. It really gave off the emotion tht u intended. I could really feel the words and ut was a very well put together piece.it flowed well. Rhymes werr solid. I hope to bvable to write this good one day.
Keep it uo man this waa Great!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Elite Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 December 2014 at 1:20am
thanks Slips
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Elite Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 December 2014 at 12:18am
any more love??
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Mission Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 December 2014 at 4:47am
but you got mad at me for saying with love lol. First off, bursted, is not a word. That aside, this piece was amazing bro. The consistent realistic conversation between the two characters is very touching. You did a great job of balancing dialogue with narration. I think you could have used more intelligent vocabulary at certain parts, and that would have made this even better. I don't know if you plan to continue this as a series like we discussed, would be sad if they just died in the end lol, but I could keep reading and reading man. Great job
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Elite Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 December 2014 at 4:51am

 

Nah, this'll be the only one. I think I ended it in a real touching way. And the only problem with using "intelligent vocabulary" in pieces like this is how much of the emotion and feeling it takes away.

 
As for "bursted", that must've just been a typo lmao.
 
Thanks for the feed
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Mission Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 December 2014 at 4:53am
oh ok makes sense. yo when u get a chance would u mind dropping some feed on the audio i dropped with versafire. Its the first track ive released from my new tape really trying to get some feed while putting this together
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote H4ZE Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 December 2014 at 5:45pm
Yo this is dope E, you're really becoming an amazing topical writer. Very well written, wording, emotion, was all there and very consistent. Flow was smooth, which is normal from you now. The way you put the story together, with the conversations between the two was cool too man. Really dope piece. Keep at it.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Elite Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 December 2014 at 5:46pm
thanks for all the love peeps
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Titu Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 December 2014 at 6:34pm
Loved it. From what I remember, you have really stepped up. Story was interesting and kept me hooked. I can tell you that technical hoonlah but I wont. Because this one was good and didnt let my attention stumble. Props on the elevation dawg
Fuck That Fat smelly cunt Donald Trump, a racist asshole who is fucked in the head.

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Elite Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 December 2014 at 6:34pm
Thanks T2, preciate it famm
 
syn
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote IZIAH Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 December 2014 at 6:37pm
this was great dude, the emotions and wording was there, and ur rhyming and schemes helped it greatly, keep it up man.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Elite Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 December 2014 at 6:37pm
thanks IZ
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Pompus Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 December 2014 at 8:33pm
Alright man I'ma give it to you straight, you got imagery down, for me at least, that's what carried this and I did find myself reading faster at some parts, which means you got urgency across, that said,   story was cheesy and told poorly, very telling, you used the word love profusely, which in a love story gets old very quickly, I didn't believe these characters because they fit together, I knew them because you tried so hard convince me of who they were, also I disagree with everyone concerning the wording, I don't think honestly anyone can say they looked at there lady and studied their passionate love, you study her eyes her lips her mouth hell even her breath, "I could feel the lovely energy" why describe the energy rather than describe the way it made you feel? The Titanic line was out of place but I took it for what it was a metaphor and the way you closed that line gave it weight, and actually furthered the thought. As far as the conversation between the two, again didn't feel any real connection, "woefully smeared?" Either they're in the Bible or you burped Shakespeare for two seconds, nobody talks like that, especially not people on fire. The song idea, gay gay gay, straight Twilight shit, not saying we can't be affectionate as writers or portray that, but that whole scene has to be handled with finesse, your version has been done before, and considering I'm not a13 year old girl that whole thing missed me, "my broken conscience had these fearful thoughts replay in my mind" what fearful thoughts, " these" is way too general, and you didn't mention anything prior, and the whole hells plan thing, having it tell, foreshadow, come back around, it was just trying, and imo unresolved, yeah they went through whatever but you gave no reason for that to be the name, quote, idea in their head,   I felt a back story would have been helpful to that, some point of reference, but instead in was like "Oh, here's a quote it has to do with the title, because the end of the lives of these people who were in love sucked." Anyway, I did like the overall story as a sorry but not how you got it there, no hate, just didn't feel this one, stay up
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Elite Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 December 2014 at 8:42pm
Appreciate the feed.
 
 
But I'm not going to read a novel of it.
 
Whatever you said, I'd probably appreciate the honesty regardless.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Pompus Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 December 2014 at 7:10am
Lol no its not about honesty its about critique, ive never given you anything that wasn't aimed to bang out some of the rough edges and make you better, whether it was harsh or not, I could not with a good conscience tell you something was good when it wasn't or at least let you know where something could have been better, I am just as honest with my students, I know you don't like it, everytime I feed you with something less than "dude you're amazing" I can tell from your uninterested and "whatever" response. if you can not handle the little that I say and you are thinking of going seriously into the literary world, as any of the others here that are actually in it can tell you, it gets a lot colder, but it's just one persons opinion, you don't have to listen to it, as I'm sure that you won't
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Elite Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 December 2014 at 4:07pm
What are you talking about?
 
All I said was I wasn't interested in reading 3 bible chapters of feed.
 
I never disagreed with any of it.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Mission Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 December 2014 at 7:25pm
lmao if u ask for feed u should read it all. heck i read it all and agreed with him.
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