Open Mic: "Professional Stalker"

oh mann this was so strong, so may quotables its not even funny. I cant believe how smooth it was though! putting my name to shame bruh. Top tier drop. 

Wanted to be a spy growing up but I became a private investigator...
My career has its ups & downs but the emotion rises like escalators..
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not bad, liked the opener. You made it clear that this all started
since you were a little kid wanting to be a bad ass. Liked the
end rhymes also. Flow was ok

I stress the labor plus the fire inside me makes the tension greater...
I inspect complex behavior of cheating spouses having sex with strangers...
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Lol, Nice bar here. Liked the flow and the story is still in its
infancy

I invest in danger But I have to get the truth & cant get my proof wrong...
I followed this cheat inside a club but I'm not here to get my groove on...
Watching this cheating wife all night shaking her ass to smooth songs..
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Not feeling the end ryhmes on this. Came off a little forced but still
liking the story aspect on this. Defo building more

.
All over dudes slongs conversing & lying, shaking her ass twerking & grinding...
But whats worse is her trying, to get her eyes immersed within mine when...
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Liked the wording here. Story is still building which is good.

She approached me and said Take a picture it will last longer...
Little did she know I was trying to but I had to get my facts stronger...
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Hahaha i like the twist you added here. Now you have built upon
both characters.

I gave a slight grin and said sorry but I got lost in your beauty...
"buy me a drink first" so I did  and she accosted me smoothly...
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I think you should have changed the wording for the end rhymes.
Came off a little forced. Still liking the story as its
progressing though

A few drinks down I was buzzed and tried to fight my urges..
I mean despite my work its, my wife at home I'm not ruining my life on purpose...
But damn I guess we're both cheats plus both are lives are worthless...
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Liked the multis here and the flow stood out. Also, i like where this is going

 

She grabbed my hand as we exited the back of the club...
To my car for a one night stand she wasn't asking for love...
Out of all the classless ass I cant believe I picked the trashiest one...
She let me put it in her ass as I exploded like blasting a gun...
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Multis were slick and this had some good humour in it. I like

My actions become disgraceful as soon as I made her assume the position...
I kept no room for my wisdom now I'm stuck with this looming decision...
So instead of coming clean I made an untruthful admission...
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Flow as picked up and this piece is getting easier to read. I also like
the vocabulary and placement of words.

I told her husband she was fine and just had a night with the girls...
He thanked me and paid me, I thought everything was rite with the world...
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Dayum, you lied ass punk ass theiving ass playa ass ............

I get home the next day and find my wife crying in our bed...
She starts throwing things as the lamp comes flying by my head...
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lol, ah snaps. i only can wonder where this is going. Ah snaps

I could sense her anger rising she had this type of no remorse hatred...
"fuck you and your whore I want you to sign these divorce papers"...
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Everything is falling into place and now its easy to see where this is
going. I liked how you kept me reading to find out what was going to happen next

She tossed me her phone and said hey check these pictures out...
It was me banging that bitch but who took it,  I just cant figure out...
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Hhahah, nice line

She screamed I'll tell you who took it just so it won't bother you...
You ain't the only professional stalker & I had someone follow you!...
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lmfao, nice ending. Defo nice ending

Overall,

The flow was choppy within the first few lines. as the story picked up
so did the flow and everything fell together nicely at the end. Much
props on this piece.

 

Okay so your lines are too weak. They miss most of the time and a lot of the concepts were off. Ur choice of topic was invigorating and not up to scale. Keep dropping Holmes you'll get there eventually

thanks for the replies on this

Lol mate I'm not trying to dog ya...just wrote what I felt at the time, not saying anyone better than anyone er nothing

d.o.c. wrote: Okay so your lines are too weak. They miss most of the time and a lot of the concepts were off. Ur choice of topic was invigorating and not up to scale. Keep dropping Holmes you'll get there eventually

Listen I aint trolling or trying to supercede you in anyway... I just had an opinion and dropped some fee . Possibly I'm incorrect or didn't coherently understand your piece. But with no argument I am truly understanding if u weren't appeased by my feed.. I apologize most humbly....

D.o.c.

Damn EX your a troll magnet... Gotta stop dropping these dope post, the envy is over whelming...

thanks a lot law much appreciated

nice story co subtle twist in the middle of it I made assumptions to where it was going which hints you wanted the reader to keep on guessing what's next masterful writing was shown here I really enjoyed this