Open Mic: Down the Rabbit Hole |
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
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Posted: 11 February 2015 at 10:50pm |
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Down the Rabbit Hole (battle against sage) Whoops! There I go again back down the rabbit hole another drop of acid, a couple shrooms that I snack and go back into wonderland, envisioning this elegant forest My brain has my surroundings and elements porous A world with talking cats, a man with hats pure and old And this beautiful broad alice that I'm sure to hold She takes on this journey through this wonderful world With giant shrooms, blue and red with voluptuous swirls Plants so eloquent, must be the home the ruta Rabbits in suits, and caterpillars blowing the hookah This was a land of love, a land of drugs, a land I didn't want to leave What alice and I could achieve, all the things we could conceive But there was something off, something troubling standing in my path Something coming that's commanding with a wrath A women in a victorian dress, hair like embers in a pit The plants and animals curled up and tremor in her midst She's got the temper of a bitch when she enters where I sit She was pissed, to see us together with our wits "What do you think your doing with this beautiful rabbit, Alice is my pet, she's my girl, she's my alice Don't even look at her, your intentions are sick and fucking evil and I know what your doing, why don't you stick your dick in other people" I turned to alice in front of this women, ran my lips down her ear "It's okay, she won't hurt you, you have nothing to fear Show her your love for me, and she'll leave us alone I moved alice closer and started reaching my bone We kissed, and I could feel her peach fuzz touching my nose She was so tight within seconds busting was close The women got red hot, came in and rushed in my zone So I reached out and squeezed, starting clutching her throat The drugs started to wear and her oxygen was cut as she choked Poor alice sat their scared and shaken, watched til she croaked. I laid their and looked over at alice with my declining lovely acid Took her in and squeezed, this white, shining, bunny rabbit When I looked on the other side, it was horrid, but I resisted instead I couldn't bare to face the fact that my sister was dead So before CNN sees another classic sick fuck on the run I reached in my pocket and dropped another acid strip on my tongue oops.. I went down the wrong rabbit hole!! |
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d.o.c.
Groupie Joined: 11 February 2015 Status: Offline Points: 144 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-5-0 Form: LLLLL |
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Lol enjoyed this felt like I read it in a different forum a while ago. Didbu battle sage on another forum by any chance? Anyways this was dip and I enjoyed the read hope to see more from u in the future. Thanks again for the read.
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daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
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Whoops! There I go again back down the rabbit hole another drop of acid, a couple shrooms that I snack and go ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Nice Opener, I liked the second line because it already paints a picture on whats about to happen. Also, Rhymed well and flowed back into wonderland, envisioning this elegant forest My brain has my surroundings and elements porous ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Liked how your emphasizing on your mental state and Acid sure does bring you to wonderlands. Flow and rhymes were tight knit. A world with talking cats, a man with hats pure and old And this beautiful broad alice that I'm sure to hold ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Not feeling the rhyming and flow on this line. Seemed short. Anywho, I like who you are now bringing in Alice and the Topic at hand She takes on this journey through this wonderful world With giant shrooms, blue and red with voluptuous swirls ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Really liked the flow on this and the vocab is starting to pick up and so is the story Plants so eloquent, must be the home the ruta Rabbits in suits, and caterpillars blowing the hookah ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ You make your topicals abstract yet vivid. Nice wording and flow is still consistent. Well done, lol at caterpillars blowing the hookah This was a land of love, a land of drugs, a land I didn't want to leave What alice and I could achieve, all the things we could conceive ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I didn't like the flow on this bar. I read it three times. I did how ever like the smooth use of using the same word over and over. You pulled that off well. Also, liked how you are incorporating Alice into the picture more. But there was something off, something troubling standing in my path Something coming that's commanding with a wrath ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Liked the multis and inners in this bar. I also see that your now switching the story up from and adding an antagonist. Clever A women in a victorian dress, hair like embers in a pit The plants and animals curled up and tremor in her midst ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Vivid description of the character and you did it in one bar. Good shit. Flow was transitioned smoothly here. She's got the temper of a bitch when she enters where I sit She was pissed, to see us together with our wits ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Not feeling the second line. Do you seen where it came off beat a little? The flow wasn't choppy, it seemed to have suddenly stopped right there. "What do you think your doing with this beautiful rabbit, Alice is my pet, she's my girl, she's my alice ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Nice move using the quotes and engaging the other character in this. Well done Don't even look at her, your intentions are sick and fucking evil and I know what your doing, why don't you stick your dick in other people" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ lol, im not gonna comment on this. Fuck it, yeah I am. I liked the comical feeling this bar gave off. It made the made your character come off immature. Defo ok because the person is on acid. I turned to alice in front of this women, ran my lips down her ear "It's okay, she won't hurt you, you have nothing to fear ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Your very descriptive an and it shows with even this simplistic bar. Well done on getting your picture painted with ease. Nicee Show her your love for me, and she'll leave us alone I moved alice closer and started reaching my bone ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Liked the rhymes and flow in this. We kissed, and I could feel her peach fuzz touching my nose She was so tight within seconds busting was close ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ haha, liked the usage of vocabulary and the word placement The women got red hot, came in and rushed in my zone So I reached out and squeezed, starting clutching her throat ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Im nik picking, because your very good at topicals. This seemed out of place from the bar above. I am not catching this. The drugs started to wear and her oxygen was cut as she choked Poor alice sat their scared and shaken, watched til she croaked. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Nice was to remind the readers that you were still on Acid. Also some good imagery I laid their and looked over at alice with my declining lovely acid Took her in and squeezed, this white, shining, bunny rabbit ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Lmfao, nice. good shit here fella When I looked on the other side, it was horrid, but I resisted instead I couldn't bare to face the fact that my sister was dead ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Holy fuck, what? Nice fucking twist. It keeps someone from getting tired and from them to stop reading. Good shit. So before CNN sees another classic sick fuck on the run I reached in my pocket and dropped another acid strip on my tongue ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Bamn, that fight or flight response. Liked the way this has changed course. Your wording and vocabulary, good shit oops.. I went down the wrong rabbit hole!! Very creative piece. You hit this one out the park. Hope you like the feed brothaman
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
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Thank you for the feedback. I appreciate it.
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Titu
Superior Member Joined: 04 July 2013 Location: 🔥 Hell 🔥 Status: Offline Points: 4522 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-19-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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Am I late? Just been super busy tbh. I totally LOVED it. I found it super creative the way you portrayed it. You opened it with some sick imagery which kept me hooked till the end. And I super lol'd at "stick your dick in the people" bar. Your story telling was beautiful and flow was nice. Show her your love for me, and she'll leave us alone I moved alice closer and started reaching my bone We kissed, and I could feel her peach fuzz touching my nose She was so tight within seconds busting was close The women got red hot, came in and rushed in my zone So I reached out and squeezed, starting clutching her throat The drugs started to wear and her oxygen was cut as she choked Poor alice sat their scared and shaken, watched til she croaked. That was perfectly portrayed. Some sick shit right there. It was simple yet affective. Good work bro... |
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Fuck That Fat smelly cunt Donald Trump, a racist asshole who is fucked in the head.
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Ransom
Standard Member Joined: 30 June 2014 Location: 7 Citys Status: Offline Points: 911 Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-0-0 Form: WW |
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HA HAA funny shit Law, well written and flawlessly vivid. The story quickly took an intriguing twist and had my attention.. Ending was dope, sick, gross and well written..
Good shit bro
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~Lyrical Death Dealer~
"The Mike Myers of Papyrus" |
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
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Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it.
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Oro
Newbie Joined: 07 June 2013 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 18 |
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First off I'd like to say I like your perception of Alice in wonderland being one huge trip >.<
Opener was relatively decent, I felt the 'snack and go' felt somewhat forced though. Your descriptive writing was really nice, felt as if I was reading the book but it had been put into rhyme :)
First two lines here felt rushed (I mean it felt as if you could of drawn a lot more from the subjects). The following two bars were sweet; flowed really well and read as if they were part of the original story of a dream-state world - they actually reminded me a bit of lucid dreaming ( IE limitless). Your bars about the Queen of Hearts seemed to start off strong but got gradually weaker.
Nice touch with the 'voice-over'; middle wasn't all that great but the comedy in your closing line here bumped it back up.
This verse was slightly corrupt hah but nether-the-less funny. I think you rhyming words were a little simple but overall it made me laugh (which is what I figure you intended >.<)
A few brutal bars here you started off with, both vicious and flowed well. A nice little hidden 'surprise' here also which was nice; it breathed a bit more life into the rhyme as it was coming to the end - nicely done. Overall: A brutal and vicious rhyme that portrayed the Alice in Wonderland world very well (in your own way of course). Though it was based of an existing story your creativity levels were high and kept me interested throughout because of it. Dark, comedy... nicely done.
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Impossible is an excuse the weak use to justify giving up.
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
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Thank you for the good feedback oro.
I really appreciate it.
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VanillaKilla
Newbie Joined: 20 February 2015 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 8 |
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This was very creative and enjoyed reading it. The flow and energy was great, and provided a good twist at the end. I like how the last line reflected the title- great rap and can't wait to see more from you! |
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Geeza
Groupie Joined: 24 February 2015 Status: Offline Points: 158 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-3-0 Form: LLWWL |
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Bro that is fuckin fantastic, absolutely class fair play too ya.
The whole thing was tight but that first verse was unreal, so fucking technical and just very well done!! I think when it started too get too the sex part the rhyming skill and your multis suffered, but you made it work with a great story! Props too you man, thats talent! |
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