Open Mic: I'm Not The Devil |
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King Soul
Groupie Joined: 24 August 2015 Location: Northwest Status: Offline Points: 237 |
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Posted: 24 August 2015 at 9:51am |
Waking up with blood on his shirt, what has he done? He's alert.
Breaking stuff as he runs from the worst, as he lunged from the curse. Escaping the drugs and guns he dispersed, his lungs... they burn, blaming the lust on steel reserve, having so much 'fun' it hurts. Usually it's get drunk and high, my supply makes you punch a guy brutally until he's numb or dies, sometimes, it rolls your tongue or eyes. Truthfully, I use to love Christ, but I've plunged far from the sky, ruthlessly abused the light by getting stuck in the darkest lies. This life wasn't chosen, it's been destined by my own omens, homicide to cope with, street lessons and a throne that's broken. Crucify my soul in concrete, compressed with snow and roaches, rectify? It won't reprieve the damage... I'm known as hopeless. Destroy your family with hallucinogens, your boy's a calamity, lost within it, each voice rambling inside his skull is acidic, he seems poised but watch for a minute. Deployed over enemy lines, he rocks and fidgets, any noise can launch him to twitchin', annoyed enough to stop his business and poison himself with rocks in the kitchen. You hate the dealer but I'm not the devil, your son escaped, eager for a cure, blame the reaper that he tries to rebel, the wraith that teeters unsure. Facial features he can familiarize with... he resents the deceiver's lure, he overdosed to get away from you, I simply sent him deeper into the purge.
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thryjoe
Groupie Joined: 09 April 2015 Location: ur mans pants Status: Offline Points: 289 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-2-1 Form: LQL |
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This was good, nice topic. It was interesting. Your rhyme scheme was good, you had flow in there. But you rhyme words were iffy. Usually rhyme words should be the same amount of syllables, oftenly the words should be 2-4 syllables. So it was okay overall, just mainly those syllables you should work on.
Also multis, forgot to mention those. They look like Blah, blah, blah, King Soul Blah, blah, blah, bring Cole I don't know, that was a pretty shitty example, with an extremely short bar, but you should get the point. |
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they told me it was reality, but it's really all in your mind.
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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I can see why you describe yourself as a writer / poet as you have good rhyme scheme and really descriptive phrasing, just the word selection gives it a real gritty / tangible feel. I think the flip side of that is you sacrifice fluidity at times & you possibly over describe at the cost of a crisp / slick / progressive narrative.
But I guess you're getting back into the swing still, so can't be too mad. Was a good drop and interesting to see your style on display as well. |
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Nigma
Site Moderator Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4077 Crew: Elision |
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Waking up with blood on his shirt, what has he done? He's alert.
Breaking stuff as he runs from the worst, as he lunged from the curse. Strong opener, It's sometimes difficult to word a storytelling opener to come across as natural but you accomplished it here. Mechanically on point too, vivid vocab, good allround. Escaping the drugs and guns he dispersed, his lungs... they burn, blaming the lust on steel reserve, having so much 'fun' it hurts. Usually it's get drunk and high, my supply makes you punch a guy brutally until he's numb or dies, sometimes, it rolls your tongue or eyes. Truthfully, I use to love Christ, but I've plunged far from the sky, ruthlessly abused the light by getting stuck in the darkest lies. in the above line i think it woulda sounded a lot better if you dropped a syllable i the first half of the line in order to change the end rhyme to 'darkest of lies', if that makes any sense. would have ended that scheme with more of a bang imo. everything before then on point, a lot of the same good things happening in them as the opener. This life wasn't chosen, it's been destined by my own omens, homicide to cope with, street lessons and a throne that's broken. Crucify my soul in concrete, compressed with snow and roaches, rectify? It won't reprieve the damage... I'm known as hopeless. Destroy your family with hallucinogens, your boy's a calamity, lost within it, each voice rambling inside his skull is acidic, he seems poised but watch for a minute. 'destroy your family with hallucinations was dope, really nice and unique imagery in this section Deployed over enemy lines, he rocks and fidgets, any noise can launch him to twitchin', annoyed enough to stop his business and poison himself with rocks in the kitchen. You hate the dealer but I'm not the devil, your son escaped, eager for a cure, blame the reaper that he tries to rebel, the wraith that teeters unsure. Facial features he can familiarize with... he resents the deceiver's lure, he overdosed to get away from you, I simply sent him deeper into the purge. really nice conclusion too. enjoyed this piece a lot, not much to complain about at all. mechanically sound, solid storyline and content described vividly and delivered through a fairly smooth stream of consciousness. very solid work |
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LEEDSMAN 2015
Newbie Joined: 11 August 2015 Location: LEEDS CITY Status: Offline Points: 25 |
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Kinda taking back by the examiners explanation very good way of explaining the rhyming patterns respect
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LEEDSMAN THE RYHMER
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Storm $hadow
Groupie Joined: 25 July 2015 Location: Abuja Status: Offline Points: 329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-4-0 Form: LLLL |
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Nice opener, rare to see a rapper who's telling story with a starter if that nature except nigma and few others.. You were on point, not drifting from the topic.. And nice self-reflection( i mean the figure in the rap).. The conclusion was a nice one too..
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alicewonder
Standard Member Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
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The opener and, especially, the closer were very well written, technically and lyrically pretty good.
There's nothing really to strikingly criticise about, except maybe some of your lengthier lines could've been executed smoother. I really liked the "hallucinogen" and the "blame the reaper" lines in particular. Overall, a quite nice work.
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Khumani
Banned Joined: 11 April 2015 Status: Offline Points: 122 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-3-0 Form: LWLL |
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I enjoyed this man, pretty cool concepts you used, it has a nice poetic sense into it, and if I had to choose a favorite part here it would be this one...
- blaming the lust on steel reserve, having so much 'fun' it hurts. Usually it's get drunk and high, my supply makes you punch a guy brutally until he's numb or dies, sometimes, it rolls your tongue or eyes. Truthfully, I use to love Christ, but I've plunged far from the sky, ruthlessly abused the light by getting stuck in the darkest lies. - Liked the continuing of the same rhyme and the Christ part was boss. good shit fam. |
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King Soul
Groupie Joined: 24 August 2015 Location: Northwest Status: Offline Points: 237 |
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Thanks everyone. It's always nice to come to a new forum and have people like what you have to offer.
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Stalin
Site Moderator Joined: 24 November 2003 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 2587 Crew: Renegades Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 34-12-2 Form: LNWWLW |
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I really liked this. flow was good rhymes were nice, but the thing that keeps you reading is your imagery and story. Some heavy lines in there. Got the point across very well. I think a some points the rhymes mightve been off or mismatched but it never takes away from the content and passion in the verse which stands out here. Youve got excellent imagery, real vivid. and youve obviously got an understanding of rhymes and flow. great piece, look forward to seein more from you.
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King Soul
Groupie Joined: 24 August 2015 Location: Northwest Status: Offline Points: 237 |
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That mean I can join Renegades? lol.
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