Open Mic: Lone Wolf |
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Absolute Abomination
Standard Member Joined: 15 May 2015 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 556 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-3-0 Form: LLWW |
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Posted: 18 October 2015 at 1:11am |
A man defines himself, and he creates his own self worth
Fell behind, declined, keep going even though being myself hurts That's the way we designed, that's a plan from God's mastermind I gotta master mine, we free spirits and our fates intertwined Never been inclined to be kind, that was never a major concern No God shining on me, I'm solitude defined so all I do is yearn for peace but I remain silent with an undetermined political alignment Confinement is a requirement, 'cause I'm not compliant with non-violence Major Rhetoric reporting, a degenerate with a little bit a cleverness Youngest man to ascend mount Everest totally effortless I'll go to great lengths of any measurement, take on any regiment It's evident that I deserve reverence, as I make the testament To murder any president for society's benefit, not just a sentiment Showing no hesitance as I exterminate the White House residents Guess somewhere along the line I lost my way like I was Rocky's son And amongst this rhyme my mind was lead astray and quickly overrun Blindly accept it as destiny, can't fight it anymore, it's bested me A bum with no identity seeking serendipity, a cure for this disability Praying God have morals and some sensitivity, spent life thinkin I had invisibility A hard life isn't hyperbole when nobody ever noticed me
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Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin.
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DynamicHaste
Groupie Joined: 04 October 2014 Status: Offline Points: 133 |
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Hi man This was a interesting piece. I kind of liked the philosophical feel it had to it. I liked the vocabulary and the flow although I particularly enjoyed this part where it seemed to flow very well for peace but I remain silent with an undetermined political alignment Confinement is a requirement, 'cause I'm not compliant with non-violence Major Rhetoric reporting, a degenerate with a little bit a cleverness Youngest man to ascend mount Everest totally effortless Great rhyming schemes. Only critiques I can think of is presenting ideas more imaginatively - using some smart multies maybe a cheeky punch/wordplay just to shake it up a bit and add new dimensions to the piece. Good drop man keep it up |
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The Rap Daemon
Standard Member Joined: 05 August 2015 Location: Purgatory Status: Offline Points: 1108 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-14-0 Form: LWLWWL |
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This wasn't great, but wasn't bad either... Somewhere in the middle I'd say.
The rhyme scheme wasn't bad, but it felt on some lines where you rhymed quite a bit you tried too hard to rhyme a lot and it hurt the flow. The words you choose, including the ones you rhyme, need to mean something, and not just seem like your just attempting to throw rhymes in wherever you can. ALSO, the rhymes need to aid the flow and let it roll smoothly off the toungue, not disrupt it and make the flow feel off-balance, shakey and over-stretched. There's a couple of rap tutorials on here that can help with this. Other than the rhyme and flow issues though, the piece is good. I really enjoyed the opening, and the image and meaning you were portraying sold me, as what you said made me feel for "you" (the character). Overall, a good piece. Keep writing bruh... Just work on solving those rhyming/flow problems, and you'll soon be making some great pieces for the Open Mic section. (!). |
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Absolute Abomination
Standard Member Joined: 15 May 2015 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 556 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-3-0 Form: LLWW |
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Cheers for feed. I do sometimes get a bit carried away and slap words in there, but I don't think I overdo it to the point where it lacks coherency.
I think this is a step in the right direction regardless so I'ma keep sharpening the sword and come up with something better.
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Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin.
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