Open Mic: Reprisal

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   Absolute a name that's destined for fame
y'all just the past of which I overcame
shit stains wiped out from the ethereal plane
who dares enter unto my domain?
known only for his terrible pen game
quarter ounce of water on this open Flame
will extinguish this poser author's name
insane if this lame think he bringin the pain
simple DJ with fire attached, just ignited gas
how all your verses drop on a thermostat?
two lines in and i laughed, that whole diss was wack
surpassed all expectations, yet still fell flat n collapsed
no more bridge between me n you, just a technical gap
match with AA and you toe tagged and body bagged
too late to retract, remember it was you who attacked
and now he's blue and blacked I'm movin on to the next fag

mad stats, just check out his portfolio
but a quick 1-2 ensure that he overthrown
every time you make a cameo the beat just slows
and everybody knows you two drop like dominoes
you're overgrown so I'm offerin the Perfect Adios
thats us exchangin blows til you left comatose!
So morose, grab an open mic and leave it closed
like city streets when a river overflows
and floods LA with trash it seems
that's garbage wrappers, cans of Beans
wannabe vets, now thats just obscene
im green n still showin these jokers real sixteens
y'all are comedy routines, act like angsty teens
hear they're overkeen to re-enact sex scenes
back to back like a pair of queens
that's ass to ass with a dick in between!

Edited by Absolute Abomination - 19 December 2015 at 9:07am

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Absolute Abomination Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Standard Member Joined: 15 May 2015 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 556 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-3-0 Form: LLWW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Absolute Abomination Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Topic: Reprisal Posted: 19 December 2015 at 9:00am
	Absolute a name that's destined for fame y'all just the past of which I overcame shit stains wiped out from the ethereal plane who dares enter unto my domain? known only for his terrible pen game quarter ounce of water on this open Flame will extinguish this poser author's name insane if this lame think he bringin the pain simple DJ with fire attached, just ignited gas how all your verses drop on a thermostat? two lines in and i laughed, that whole diss was wack surpassed all expectations, yet still fell flat n collapsed no more bridge between me n you, just a technical gap match with AA and you toe tagged and body bagged too late to retract, remember it was you who attacked and now he's blue and blacked I'm movin on to the next fag mad stats, just check out his portfolio but a quick 1-2 ensure that he overthrown every time you make a cameo the beat just slows and everybody knows you two drop like dominoes you're overgrown so I'm offerin the Perfect Adios thats us exchangin blows til you left comatose! So morose, grab an open mic and leave it closed like city streets when a river overflows and floods LA with trash it seems that's garbage wrappers, cans of Beans wannabe vets, now thats just obscene im green n still showin these jokers real sixteens y'all are comedy routines, act like angsty teens hear they're overkeen to re-enact sex scenes back to back like a pair of queens that's ass to ass with a dick in between! Edited by Absolute Abomination - 19 December 2015 at 9:07am
	Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin.

alicewonder Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Standard Member Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN	Post Options Post Reply Quote alicewonder Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 19 December 2015 at 4:26pm
	I thought this had the right idea to it, but it didn't really live up to its (full) potential. Your rhyme scheme was rather basic, and you repeated some of your end rhymes a few times. The flow wasn't too bad though, since you had a rather short line length. With regard to the content, you had some nice concepts, which would have been quite decent if you executed them in a different way, compared to your opening bar, for example. Your beginning was actually an alright way to start off a verse like this, so keep at it.

Beans Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Superior Member Joined: 12 October 2013 Location: MA Status: Offline Points: 6718 Crew: EMPIRE Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 95-24-5 Form: WWWWWW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Beans Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 19 December 2015 at 4:51pm
	Thought this read nice, your concepts could have been a bit stronger, but this was a nice little read. Stay up
	1-2 Season 1 Final Champ

Jason Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 13 December 2015 Location: South Africa Status: Offline Points: 99 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL	Post Options Post Reply Quote Jason Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 19 December 2015 at 5:34pm
	I liked the flow, although I have to agree with Alice on the rhymes being basic. Nice shit, but you could have came harder since this is supposed to be a diss.
	http://weknowmemes.com/tag/i-dont-know-who-you-are-but-i-will-find-you-and-i-will-kill-you/

Crimson Juice Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Crimson Juice Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 20 December 2015 at 8:37pm
	Yes i agree it was standard in concept and depth..but I think in this case the basic approach was the right Approach...the reason being,that if you was to make it a complicated drop,you would have lost flow and to a certain extent structure..so for me being direct was the way forward...a decent drop..