Open Mic: [OM King] Captain's Log |
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Concrete
Standard Member Joined: 02 September 2013 Location: Oslo Status: Offline Points: 1418 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 33-6-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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Posted: 11 January 2016 at 7:38pm |
violent storms upsets the waters with force
and halts the tour unless we alter our course I give the order offcourse, obey the time frame we can't arrive late, this vessel shall find haste my mind's made, diagram marked with a viable line um sir, seems we're heading where the triangle aligns -that's an unrelibale sign? quit the supersticious babble we may be up shit creek here, but not without paddles! some distance traveled, the uneasy sea finally relieves sneaky disbelief, as treacherous waters quietly decieves time will reveal, suspiciously our ship slightly vibrates tiny objects appears over the horizon, lighting vibrant brightly shining, flying at us in a synchronic sequence coming in seeking, then we're greeted by a sonic beacon no frequencies, all coms are down, radar's gone zapped it's all black, like we been detached from the whole map! Oh crap.. I obseve some old scrap, ancient shipwrecks urging to be spotted and beneath us a monstrous shadow emerging from the bottom the black surface trembles as two colossal spheres appears illuminating the eclipsed ocean as we all just stare with fear I pray in tears; dear God, please save me from the unknown! but all I hear is a horrendous tone drilling through my bones a gruesome groan, now deriving from a deep-sea titan arising we're frightened, no use fighting a damned Leviathan arriving! striving, paralysed by despair, my body simply panics instead from this organic creature equipped with a mechanical head it's synthetic vertebrae protracted as far as my eyes can see what kind of breed? ah fuck this shit.. it's about time we flee! maximize the speed! tried screaming but the plead seems futile the colussus inhales us within in the damn seaway, shit's brutal to be truthful, I was being very stupid to ignore the warnings if anyone reads this, DO NOT cross triangles when it's storming! |
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daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
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From a technical aspect this was really sound. Really enjoyed the plot. This is a great contender for THE KING OF OPEN MICS. I enjoyed this. Good work concrete
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Liked the imagery you crafted,effortless read,the whole.Story
was fresh and original,when I first saw the title,I.thought it was gonna be.some.star trek sorta theme, (you caught me.off gauged)..and.I.agree, should be up there competing with.OM of The.month it was that vivid...enjoyed the read nice piece... |
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IZIAH
Standard Member Joined: 31 August 2012 Location: alberta, Canada Status: Offline Points: 2041 Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-3-1 Form: WLLWLN |
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This was dope, I enjoyed the story, the imagery was amazing. You flowed well too, and overall this was quite great. Wording was astounding. Keep it up man. Love it.
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~Insight The Inspired~
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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tiny objects appears over the horizon, lighting vibrant brightly shining, flying at us in a synchronic sequence coming in seeking, then we're greeted by a sonic beacon ha dope! awesome mix of imagery, rhyme scheme and wording. second stanza was awesome too. liked this a lot man. I think the only part I wasn't too fond of was the "Shall find haste" lol. Overall, very Moby Dick'ish narration on some man vs nature ordeal which is always a good theme to go with, imo. great job, my g. |
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Concrete
Standard Member Joined: 02 September 2013 Location: Oslo Status: Offline Points: 1418 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 33-6-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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Thank you for the nice feedies fellas.
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-Que-
Standard Member Joined: 22 April 2010 Status: Offline Points: 2745 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 13-4-1 Form: WWWWLW |
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Lol...i remember you bro. Haven't seen ya in a bit. This started off dope imo. You just got right to it. Nice a direct ...kept it coastin the whole way. Good shit Concrete
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