Open Mic: [OM King] Captain's Log

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Concrete View Drop Down
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    Posted: 11 January 2016 at 7:38pm
violent storms upsets the waters with force
and halts the tour unless we alter our course
I give the order offcourse, obey the time frame
we can't arrive late, this vessel shall find haste

my mind's made, diagram marked with a viable line 
um sir, seems we're heading where the triangle aligns
-that's an unrelibale sign? quit the supersticious babble
we may be up shit creek here, but not without paddles!


some distance traveled, the uneasy sea finally relieves
sneaky disbelief, as treacherous waters quietly decieves
time will reveal, suspiciously our ship slightly vibrates
tiny objects appears over the horizon, lighting vibrant
brightly shining, flying at us in a synchronic sequence
coming in seeking, then we're greeted by a sonic beacon
no frequencies, all coms are down, radar's gone zapped
it's all black, like we been detached from the whole map!

Oh crap..

I obseve some old scrap, ancient shipwrecks urging to be spotted
and beneath us a monstrous shadow emerging from the bottom
the black surface trembles as two colossal spheres appears
illuminating the eclipsed ocean as we all just stare with fear
I pray in tears; dear God, please save me from the unknown!
but all I hear is a horrendous tone drilling through my bones 
a gruesome groan, now deriving from a deep-sea titan arising 
we're frightened, no use fighting a damned Leviathan arriving!

striving, paralysed by despair, my body simply panics instead
from this organic creature equipped with a mechanical head
it's synthetic vertebrae protracted as far as my eyes can see
what kind of breed? ah fuck this shit.. it's about time we flee!
maximize the speed! tried screaming but the plead seems futile
the colussus inhales us within in the damn seaway, shit's brutal

to be truthful, I was being very stupid to ignore the warnings
if anyone reads this, DO NOT cross triangles when it's storming!










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daydizzle89 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote daydizzle89 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 January 2016 at 8:59pm
From a technical aspect this was really sound. Really enjoyed the plot. This is a great contender for THE KING OF OPEN MICS. I enjoyed this. Good work concrete
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 January 2016 at 11:46pm
Liked the imagery you crafted,effortless read,the whole.Story
was fresh and original,when I first saw the title,I.thought it
was gonna be.some.star trek sorta theme, (you caught me.off
gauged)..and.I.agree, should be up there competing with.OM of
The.month it was that vivid...enjoyed the read nice piece...
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote IZIAH Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 January 2016 at 6:23pm
This was dope, I enjoyed the story, the imagery was amazing. You flowed well too, and overall this was quite great. Wording was astounding. Keep it up man. Love it.
~Insight The Inspired~
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Sammy View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sammy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 January 2016 at 12:23am
tiny objects appears over the horizon, lighting vibrant
brightly shining, flying at us in a synchronic sequence
coming in seeking, then we're greeted by a sonic beacon
 
ha dope! awesome mix of imagery, rhyme scheme and wording. second stanza was awesome too. liked this a lot man. I think the only part I wasn't too fond of was the "Shall find haste" lol. Overall, very Moby Dick'ish narration on some man vs nature ordeal which is always a good theme to go with, imo. great job, my g.
 
 


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Concrete View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Concrete Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 January 2016 at 11:02pm
Thank you for the nice feedies fellas.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote -Que- Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 January 2016 at 9:58am
Lol...i remember you bro. Haven't seen ya in a bit. This started off dope imo. You just got right to it. Nice a direct ...kept it coastin the whole way. Good shit Concrete

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