Open Mic: Blood & Bondage: Gateway Drugs |
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-Que-
Standard Member Joined: 22 April 2010 Status: Offline Points: 2745 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 13-4-1 Form: WWWWLW |
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Posted: 21 April 2016 at 12:14am |
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Neek...I'm going to go back to the first installment and read from there. I like when people have a special collection of drops.
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Kiki Spirez
Superior Member Joined: 30 December 2008 Location: Chesterfield Status: Offline Points: 4374 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 68-26-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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I like pieces like these, cos I can recognise the effort that's gone in to it. If you're anything like me, you'll have almost obsessed over it for a couple of hours, constantly editting, everytime you think it's done, the start to a new verse pops up.. End up writing a near on novel, and looking back at the first verse like, 'did i write that??' haha
Effort aside, it was a very good read. It was a story that needed telling, it didn't need multis crammed in at the sake of the narrative, and you found a good balance. It wasn't too wordy, but it wasn't anywhere near ABC either. Sounds a bit boring, but my favourite bars are the first two, just something about the structure and wording. Past that the story takes over from the bars, and it was an interesting journey. Keep up. |
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AshleyKaos
Standard Member Joined: 11 October 2013 Status: Offline Points: 2511 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 28-63-3 Form: LWLLNQ |
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Hah hey need this was a really interesting one. Sort of inspiring really. Story telling aspect of it was creative and on point and the concept was there....maybe if it could been a little more tight it would have been all the better...but interesting and creatively well done piece
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NUMBER 1 FEMALE MC TILL THE DEATH OF ME
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Endeavor
Senior Moderator Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
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Neek, once I get my studio shit going again I need to do a collab with you man. Your flow is so retardedly good, Shy Glizzy aint got shit on you. I never had a verse from you where I couldn't flow a certain section or whatever... You're ill like that. I'd almost give you my first born, but you know, I'm attached to that little rascal. Anywho...
So yeah, that flow... It has this beautiful balance... You fly through it but it's all very vivid. Takes skill, forreal. <- like that. Skill - forreal? It rhymes? No? Ok!
The bolded section is awesome as hell.
Oh man oh man, I could already picture the guy going about his business. You're setting this grimy movie type tone and I like where it's headed.
And there we goooooooooo. Consuming shrooms and moving into lucid diluting illusive... stuff. Dope.
Wait... Did he use the shrooms yet? I'm hooked by now.
Funny how something like describing a certain brand of perfume can add so much to the story.
This section is awesome. Like Day said, I can smell that shit from here!
Voluptuous succubus with a British accent... Sounds like my perfect woman... I'm digging this vampire shit and I think my girlfriend would as well. She's into that type of shit. You should listen to Gucci Mane - Vampire. Hardest track in existence! YOU BELIEVE IN VAMPIRES I BELIEVE IN VAMPIRES!
Holy shit, that twist went straight over my head lol. So... He ate those shrooms, dreamt that whole vampire thing and buttsexxed by the hobo who sold him the shrooms?! Overall: This shit is dope, even though the twist went over my head I loved it. That flow though...
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#Bananas
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JBrenn
Superior Member Joined: 03 May 2006 Status: Offline Points: 3754 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 40-26-0 Form: WWLWWW |
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Wow this is such a nice read... flows easily and seamlessly the whole thing hold content.
Im a huge fan of WP and tongue twisting lyrical lashings this was short on the word play but the lyrical styles you put into this were super entertaining!!! great drop neek!
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SELF ACTIVATE
Standard Member Joined: 05 February 2016 Location: Kemet Status: Offline Points: 1380 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
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Wanted to nom this piece a few months back, but never could figure out where to go to do it. Anyway, I'm now nominateing this for HOF /Classics.
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SELF ACTIVATE
Standard Member Joined: 05 February 2016 Location: Kemet Status: Offline Points: 1380 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
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Lenny worked the graveyard
tho he mostly patrolled the bays docks had a knack for observation but was constantly harboring strange thoughts only waking from his daydreams as the crane dropped Len dog, had gotten an insane plot- ^ I like how natural and realistic this intro is. Lenny seems like an everyday dude living a pretty ordinary life. Your imagery here is insane. I can picture it all. From the first line to the last ... I'm intrigued. always a fan of horror fiction something missing, normal intuition said he was just bored but headed toward a course of collision started as a sort of morbid addiction but soon became more, his sordid vision, distorted - warped and twisted 'welcome to hell' - the words would echo.. the source was within him First thing I notice here is the flow. It's liquid. The way you laid the scheme is dope. It's bobbing and weaving with excellent form. Also, the language is natural...free of pretense. Just dope dawg. after his shift, he normally hopped the bus this time he thought, lets head downtown and cop a buzz after a brief stroll through the park he posted on the bench about thirty four minutes passed before someone approached em and said 'whats good, you waitin for somethin?" lenny shook his head, 'nah, im out here for basically nothing' the stranger replied with a warning 'nobody waits for nothing at eight in the morning' lenny nodded, palms sweating stranger said "I know what you need you looking for that rocksteady" lenny peered at his new friend thought to himself - we got a problem houston. 'not my thing bro, never was me when I trip, I keep it chemical free" stranger agreed said 'I only fuck with the weed but I got a bag of these shrooms hundred for the Z?" Len slid him the cheese and homie took off on his feet. Man...you know how to set a scene and tell a story. Again, I can see it all. In fact I feel like I'm there. Hell, I feel like I am Lenny. Another thing I'm liking is how real your dialogue is here. Nothing seems forced or exaggerated. Its all perfectly balanced and believable. after defeat, he sulked his way home saw a sticker with a number stuck on a payphone 'Vampire Society - Initiation Daily' Lennys wish come true - entered it hastily, giggling crazy 'hello?…' 'yes?' whispered a lady 'I seek initiation, my name is Lenny' 'what do you offer?' 'just me, im short on anything with money' 'thats not something we look for honey' several minutes past during the questionnaire 'you seem like a fine candidate - come to the lakehouse, look for cabin eight dont be late, and just walk through the drapes' before Lenny could respond with excitement the dial tone hit, and the room went silent ^Goddamn bro...you have truly mastered the art of description. Like Dizz you understand the importance of creating an entire environment out of the detailed inclusion of the most random of items. And the little nuances you throw into your conversations are incredible. he ran to the bathroom stared straight in the mirror felt that welcome to hell voice say 'your moment is near' q-tipped the ears threw on a rockband t shirt and swiftly kicked it in gear almost forgot his keys did a quick sprint back felt himself growing foisty not a good first impression on his colleagues decided to grab some dollar store cologne he loved the scent of 'Fall Leafs' started down the street just feeling so jolly.. whistling and skipping while walking.. the lakehouse was grand comparatively no frontdoor just curtains a dark shade of green the aroma was a mix of decay and latrine but fuck it, time to start living the dream Dude, your a comedian on the low. Not only is this story creative and well written, but it plays out like a parody of a horror movie. For some reason I picture James Franco and Seth Rogan adapting this into an actual comedy with Jim Breuer (Goatboy from SNL) playing Lenny. four druids greeted him almost immediately 'no turning back now - but you can scream if you need' the chants starting with a soft hymn as the voluptuous succubus walks in the cloaked men had then squatted 'peasant, why are you wearing garments? your frivolous fabrics make me nauseous" her accent was not local - was british 'my bad, I told you on the phone I was shy your beauty makes me timid' her eyes said livid lenny quickly got to strippin' she commanded he lay flat - 'close your eyes, we'll begin the commitment' lennys whole body stiffened he felt a pierce on his neck and a couple of tugs from the vixen her palm on his forehead, she just repeatly bit him Len woke up, fully nude and no clothes his neck was sore and felt swole he yanked the drapes from the front door and turned into some sort of monk robe got to the doctor, said he was mugged the man said 'well, looks like hepatitis b' and then shrugged 'ill get you some prescriptions - you should be more careful when buying drugs' his face was smug, as he sighed - 'sorry about your luck' so for the next few months.. as lenny was in bed, popping meds.. all he could think about was wanting to be a vampire but instead… wound up looking like a cast member of the walking dead… Damn, poor Lenny. All he wanted to do was grow bat wings. Smh. Neek, I think this piece deserves An HOF induction (easily). Hell, I'd go as far as to say it's classics worthy. It flowed like water. The story was funny, intriguing, and wildly original...and mechanically it was top notch from start to finish. Definitely next level stuff here. I'm gonna nom it for both. |
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Neek
Site Moderator Super Mario Slaughterer Joined: 05 October 2004 Status: Offline Points: 3862 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-1-0 Form: LWWW |
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glad you enjoyed it.
havnt decided where im taking the Lenny story yet. if he reseaches vampires on the innerwebz an finds real ones/becomes one/seeks revenge or if real vampires catch up to the cult of ID stealing gypsys... but as SELF said - all one universe, use Lenny as need be |
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#Bananas
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daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
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Lenny worked the graveyard
after defeat, he sulked his way home
he ran to the bathroom
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Neek
Site Moderator Super Mario Slaughterer Joined: 05 October 2004 Status: Offline Points: 3862 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-1-0 Form: LWWW |
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Lenny worked the graveyard
tho he mostly patrolled the bays docks had a knack for observation but was constantly harboring strange thoughts only waking from his daydreams as the crane dropped Len dog, had gotten an insane plot- always a fan of horror fiction something missing, normal intuition said he was just bored but headed toward a course of collision started as a sort of morbid addiction but soon became more, his sordid vision, distorted - warped and twisted 'welcome to hell' - the words would echo.. the source was within him after his shift, he normally hopped the bus this time he thought, lets head downtown and cop a buzz after a brief stroll through the park he posted on the bench about thirty four minutes passed before someone approached em and said 'whats good, you waitin for somethin?" lenny shook his head, 'nah, im out here for basically nothing' the stranger replied with a warning 'nobody waits for nothing at eight in the morning' lenny nodded, palms sweating stranger said "I know what you need you looking for that rocksteady" lenny peered at his new friend thought to himself - we got a problem houston. 'not my thing bro, never was me when I trip, I keep it chemical free" stranger agreed said 'I only fuck with the weed but I got a bag of these shrooms hundred for the Z?" Len slid him the cheese and homie took off on his feet. after defeat, he sulked his way home saw a sticker with a number stuck on a payphone 'Vampire Society - Initiation Daily' Lennys wish come true - entered it hastily, giggling crazy 'hello?…' 'yes?' whispered a lady 'I seek initiation, my name is Lenny' 'what do you offer?' 'just me, im short on anything with money' 'thats not something we look for honey' several minutes past during the questionnaire 'you seem like a fine candidate - come to the lakehouse, look for cabin eight dont be late, and just walk through the drapes' before Lenny could respond with excitement the dial tone hit, and the room went silent he ran to the bathroom stared straight in the mirror felt that welcome to hell voice say 'your moment is near' q-tipped the ears threw on a rockband t shirt and swiftly kicked it in gear almost forgot his keys did a quick sprint back felt himself growing foisty not a good first impression on his colleagues decided to grab some dollar store cologne he loved the scent of 'Fall Leafs' started down the street just feeling so jolly.. whistling and skipping while walking.. the lakehouse was grand comparatively no frontdoor just curtains a dark shade of green the aroma was a mix of decay and latrine but fuck it, time to start living the dream four druids greeted him almost immediately 'no turning back now - but you can scream if you need' the chants starting with a soft hymn as the voluptuous succubus walks in the cloaked men had then squatted 'peasant, why are you wearing garments? your frivolous fabrics make me nauseous" her accent was not local - was british 'my bad, I told you on the phone I was shy your beauty makes me timid' her eyes said livid lenny quickly got to strippin' she commanded he lay flat - 'close your eyes, we'll begin the commitment' lennys whole body stiffened he felt a pierce on his neck and a couple of tugs from the vixen her palm on his forehead, she just repeatly bit him Len woke up, fully nude and no clothes his neck was sore and felt swole he yanked the drapes from the front door and turned into some sort of monk robe got to the doctor, said he was mugged the man said 'well, looks like hepatitis b' and then shrugged 'ill get you some prescriptions - you should be more careful when buying drugs' his face was smug, as he sighed - 'sorry about your luck' so for the next few months.. as lenny was in bed, popping meds.. all he could think about was wanting to be a vampire but instead… wound up looking like a cast member of the walking dead… |
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#Bananas
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