Open Mic: [OM King] Reflection of the roots |
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
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Posted: 15 March 2016 at 2:08am |
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Reflection of the roots In the midst of ancient divination. Bouncing back n' forth in the mirror of minds Where death is becoming nearer with time My roots have sprouted and grown elegant A full blossum of leaves that change and show elements through seasons they fall and become delicate, the rivers flow, the sun glows across horizons humans row from their bungalows of silence to bear witness to what this earth's heart has risen the sparks igniting from a single touch from this bark of wisdom As the hourglass spins, the worlds imprudence is unruly The cruelty of winter erases my illusions of beauty As the ice starts to fall the river begins it's interplay the leaves die off and descend as they dissipate I become brittle and tender in a lonely life's canvas and what was once fully flowered are snowy, white branches At the end of each solstice, i change with the winds and for each season contained beholds a new beauty within sometimes I die and wither, sitting there freezing or I spring to life and picture that I'm living in eden But the cycle continues, guess thats the kiss of the seasons. |
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Endeavor
Senior Moderator Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
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Whoa, this was nothing short of amazing. Which struck me as odd coming from a guy with bullets in his signature. To me this was identical to that drop of Alicewonder, Colour of Gradient Past, if I recall the title correctly. Identical in terms of poetic beauty.
I love these kinds of drops and you really blew my mind. I loved you how took the seasons angle and described them so well. Every. Single. Line. Is. Good. For instance this part:
This is poetry right here. I could already picture the tree and you included a real satisfying atmosphere. I've probably used that word a hundred times by now, atmosphere. Ha.
The flow and the wording here is just perfect. Honestly... Every single part is a quotable and I'm not gonna bore you with that. To me this one is the top contender right now. Awesome job, Mister Law Man.
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#Bananas
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nomedic
Standard Member Joined: 11 January 2014 Location: South Africa Status: Offline Points: 1578 Crew: Hunger Games Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 35-25-0 Form: WWLLWL |
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Yo
I liked your word usage discipline here being a fond reader of your shit I noticed you usually don't up the length much but here you brought it in neat its only the bark line where I felt the smooth flow was interrupted the content and imagery was hella advanced though I felt the scenes as though I was in your drawing big ups on your technical improvements G word |
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Exoduzt
Superior Member NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
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This is making me want to write for the OM king rite now...
"Bouncing back n' forth in the mirror of minds Where death is becoming nearer with time My roots have sprouted and grown elegant A full blossum of leaves that change and show elements through seasons they fall and become delicate"---This rite here was a strong and poetic way to start your verse. I loved the mirror of the minds line to start it off. The flow was flawless. this was some top notch writing rite here. I especially enjoyed the blossum of the leaves and how they fall concept. good work "I become brittle and tender in a lonely life's canvas and what was once fully flowered are snowy, white branches At the end of each solstice, i change with the winds and for each season contained beholds a new beauty within sometimes I die and wither, sitting there freezing or I spring to life and picture that I'm living in eden But the cycle continues, guess thats the kiss of the seasons."----I absolutely loved the white branches bar. that stuck out to me big time. and the eden line was awesome to. Overall this was classic law with the flawless flow and great imagery...you really nailed this topic |
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
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Thank you for the feedback guys.
Nomedic - Thanks for pointing that out as well. I realize what I did to make the hiccup in the flow as well. I used the same prepositional word twice. the sparks igniting from a single touch from this bark of wisdom
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SELF ACTIVATE
Standard Member Joined: 05 February 2016 Location: Kemet Status: Offline Points: 1380 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
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"Reflection of the roots In the midst of ancient divination. Bouncing back n' forth in the mirror of minds Where death is becoming nearer with time My roots have sprouted and grown elegant A full blossum of leaves that change and show elements through seasons they fall and become delicate" ^I read those lines several times trying to extract their exact meaning but, after doing so I've come to the conclusion that their importance lie In the imagery they depict ... which is quite whimsical and poetic. I think they set the stage nicely for what is to come. Also, in particular, I really like the usage of the word "element". It's simple, but says a lot at the same time. Nice intro. "the rivers flow, the sun glows across horizons humans row from their bungalows of silence to bear witness to what this earth's heart has risen the sparks igniting from a single touch from this bark of wisdom" ^How your words connect to the picture here is fanstastic. Again, very poetic in description and narrative. I think your tone and language have a certain air of wisdom ... at least that's how it all comes across while reading. If I were to nitpick I think the word "from" may have been a little overplayed or used too closely together but, that's minor stuff. I really like the bungalow and bark lines tho. "As the hourglass spins, the worlds imprudence is unruly The cruelty of winter erases my illusions of beauty As the ice starts to fall the river begins it's interplay the leaves die off and descend as they dissipate" ^This whole section is perfectly worded. As well as filled with incredible imagery. Dope! "I become brittle and tender in a lonely life's canvas and what was once fully flowered are snowy, white branches At the end of each solstice, i change with the winds and for each season contained beholds a new beauty within sometimes I die and wither, sitting there freezing or I spring to life and picture that I'm living in eden But the cycle continues, guess thats the kiss of the seasons." ^And this brings it all full circle. The bars in bold we're exceptional in terms of wording. The rest was spot on as well ----------- Overall: This was a great read. It was somewhat a literal take on the topic, but at The sometime metaphorical and poeic as well. It was like personifying the life of the tree and it's seasonal existence. On top of that it had a nice scheme, superb wording, great imagery, and a consistent flow. Really dope Law. Glad I read it. Peace... |
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Slip
Standard Member Joined: 04 June 2013 Location: St Johns. N.L. Status: Offline Points: 1612 Crew: Alter Egos Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 14-33-0 Form: LLLWLW |
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damn this was a work of art
you picked it apart with the imagery better and better it got really able to keep a readers attention it began great My roots have sprouted and grown elegant A full blossum of leaves that change and show elements through seasons they fall and become delicate, ^^^^really liked this part^^^^^ another stand out part for me was the rivers flow, the sun glows across horizons humans row from their bungalows of silence
again another stand out moment As the ice starts to fall the river begins it's interplay the leaves die off and descend as they dissipate and it continues I become brittle and tender in a lonely life's canvas and what was once fully flowered are snowy, white branches and it kept its momentum goin right until the end At the end of each solstice, i change with the winds and for each season contained beholds a new beauty within sometimes I die and wither, sitting there freezing or I spring to life and picture that I'm living in eden But the cycle continues, guess thats the kiss of the seasons. i think this was a great entry story well told |
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levy420
Superior Member Joined: 22 May 2013 Location: San Antonio TX Status: Offline Points: 3443 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 39-33-4 Form: LWWLLN |
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This was dope an technically sound loved the direction you went on interpreting the pic as the seasons
This section stood out for me the rivers flow, the sun glows across horizons humans row from their bungalows of silence to bear witness to what this earth's heart has risen the sparks igniting from a single touch from this bark of wisdom As the hourglass spins, the worlds imprudence is unruly The cruelty of winter erases my illusions of beauty As the ice starts to fall the river begins it's interplay the leaves die off and descend as they dissipate I become brittle and tender in a lonely life's canvas and what was once fully flowered are snowy, white branches Thought the scheme an imagery was on point threw out right here Touff choices this month so far I see you neek n exo as the front runners stay up |
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Neek
Site Moderator Super Mario Slaughterer Joined: 05 October 2004 Status: Offline Points: 3862 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-1-0 Form: LWWW |
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first and foremost. Law dropping a verse is like Jamal finding Forest at the knicks game in Finding Forest.. so this is cool!
Bouncing back n' forth in the mirror of minds Where death is becoming nearer with time My roots have sprouted and grown elegant A full blossum of leaves that change and show elements through seasons they fall and become delicate, the rivers flow, the sun glows across horizons humans row from their bungalows of silence a nice little poetic cadence. flow held well and lyrically, was nice. the roots to delicate segment was really well crafted. rhyme game is pretty gnarly dude. to bear witness to what this earth's heart has risen the sparks igniting from a single touch from this bark of wisdom As the hourglass spins, the worlds imprudence is unruly The cruelty of winter erases my illusions of beauty As the ice starts to fall the river begins it's interplay the leaves die off and descend as they dissipate I become brittle and tender in a lonely life's canvas and what was once fully flowered are snowy, white branches this was really remarkable. the way the words changed pace from the start was nice. I felt the first portion was a bit somber..but this felt like it breezed by.. the wordplacements gave it a kinda rapid pace or it could be how I read it, who knows. either way, it was written really well. shine on fella..shine on At the end of each solstice, i change with the winds and for each season contained beholds a new beauty within sometimes I die and wither, sitting there freezing or I spring to life and picture that I'm living in eden But the cycle continues, guess thats the kiss of the seasons. nice poetic closing as well. I felt you had more direction, but I think the line limit really kept you from fully developing this. thats just as a reader. but it goes back to my somber pace.. it just felt like you were had a "oh shit..im running out of room" moment.. I had one on mine too. lol. anyway - dope piece. youre a crafty little son of a gun arentcha. |
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#Bananas
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Jet Swade
Groupie Joined: 23 March 2016 Location: USA Status: Offline Points: 75 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-2-0 Form: WLL |
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This piece right here actually made me think, "Holy Crap" this is very dope poetry. Excellent word play and vivid imagining with the words as you painted pictures of seasons and build significance about the tree. Great work.
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Gambino
Groupie Joined: 31 December 2015 Status: Offline Points: 196 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-4-3 Form: LNNLLN |
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The opener had me hooked.The deeper into this I read the deeper I got sucked in.This was a great read definitely a strong candidate for Om King fr.The imagery and symbolism in this was shocking.Your internals were pure.Flow choppy in some spot but otherwise spot on.This was a great read...stay up
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Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #4 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
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This was pretty sick Law. A lot of elegance in the writing which gave all the more beauty to the piece. The flow was really smooth to me, honestly tying into the lyrics in that its just very dreamlike. As far as lyrical elements it was sick, you already know. Overall a nice read, havent read much from you in a minute so this was very refreshing. Dope... keep droppin! Peace
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