Text Battle Archive: Topical Twist PRELIM: Ridley v Dizzle (3-0) |
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12327 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Topic: Topical Twist PRELIM: Ridley v Dizzle (3-0) Posted: 25 August 2016 at 7:35am |
Topical battle
32 line limit Topic = Multiple personality disorder |
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daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
Posted: 25 August 2016 at 3:12pm |
I Wisk my hands across her hair, she’s my daughter
I spent many years taking care of this foster My honor is making sure prospers would offer my life for her to become a doctor To play soccer or grow up to become a rockstar Im her proctors, Ima make sure she conquers "Sweetheart, your father is your sponsor" in college, i knew she would be a great scholar Even when she was a toddler she had alot to offer Wisdom so grand you couldn’t buy with a dollar When i was weak, she would keep me from falter She’s gods calling but she lately seems bothered She has a boyfriend; i think he beats her like a monster Bruises on body got me wanting tuh slaughter His name.. Oscar, I catch him and he’s a fucking goner Hes an imposter of love, i better call mah lawyer I mean doctor, She’s swashbuckling and falling Often cloaking her beatings and sobbing "Honey, ill choke this prick, leave him in a coffin" "Im your protector, shelter you from this problem" I’m jostling emotions, wanna get to the bottom of this When i see Oscar, I’ll have him vomiting in a bottomless pit This is boggling, she is smart and trained in the boxing ring Now she’s no longer strong enough to fight this fraudster Ima grab the glock and pop a promising shot in this herb I roll down his block bottling my thoughts like water I show up on his steps, knock knock and there is her mother "Where is he? ima crop dust and murder this sucker" In a pothered state, "Oscar, your off ya meds again fucker" "Our daughters been missing since last summer" "Doc wants ya back at the hospital, dont be late for supper" I guess im Oscar and Jake, Im lost for words Edited by Cuba - 01 September 2016 at 9:19pm |
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Ridley Squat
Street Team Joined: 20 November 2015 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 830 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 9-6-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Posted: 08 September 2016 at 4:46am |
We call this corridor, the 'horrorcore', since this cases first review Ignore the wave of certain doom from the grey un-curtained room Just follow me, I'll tell you more 'bout the amazing work we do! His restraints are hurting! True... And his face is turning blue! Look, ever seen 50 identities all taking turns to move? Whilst their hatred for each other they're all taking turns to prove? Well, as funny as that is, right now our main concern is you! What's his name? We don't know ... We call him Patient32. He first came here, when was it now ... Twenty-something ... three? He answered just to Matt or Scott ... which never troubled me And we'd discuss all his delusions over several cups of tea Like the website in his mind and how it kept him company But no way we could have known how much it festered underneath New personas started showing but the extent was unperceived We formed a specially funded team, just to develop drugs to see (And an investment from you gentlemen will help to some degree) Our experimental chemicals, are meds like none you'll see Like our exposer of personas, trademark "Exocuntomine" Does it work? Yes! So many masks to witness ... ... it's like Stanley Ipkiss' family business. Nice! Is it safe? Well, every persona has a mental illness ... For example Dizz'ness ... but that's just shock and no actual sickness And only time will tell which facet is prominent As they wage internal war just to battle for dominance Thanks for flushing out the others, helps me kill them easily And I won't ever stop till I'm Rid Completely! |
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
Posted: 08 September 2016 at 2:38pm |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. OK let's kick of the voting here.. Daydizzle yeah I liked this piece of yours,it seemed to have some character about it,when i started reading i thought it was an over protective father thing going on,a guy who lost he's wife and was looking out for he's daughter, the kind of situation were nobody is good enough for his baby girl,but as the rhyme progressed,it becomes clear that aint the case,the twist was the highlight for me,you had some good content here and vocab,although you flow in parts was shaky,(some end words didn't rhyme to well if at all),but that ain't no biggie within the big picture,it did however have certain feel like it was plodding along though,as nothing was jumping out at me,except the ending that is,and boy that was good,as i wasn't expecting that,him Being one in the same person,a guy who is totally detached from he's other side,the piece itself came off as a grim affair really,you did incorporate one of the worse trait in a man here,shit this verse was like a man riding a unicycle on the white lines in the middle of a road,which side he's foot touched down was who he'd be,yeah I liked it.. Ridley your verse read like I was the narrator,you had a good flow going on to due to some decent multis,you also had some good details within this verse,which gave a good picture to work off as a reader,like dizzle you had some nice vocab and contents too,your drop also had a pacey feel to it,not a fan of using different colours in text though,but I get their intentions,I also liked.the little play on day's alias to with the dizzyness line,and like dizzle you closed out creative too,(if I've got this right that is) with the Ridley bar dispelling your not Goryo,I liked it,i also liked the fact this piece was like guided tour into mans sanity,nicely done that,it also felt the detached element was intended here with this drop,creative bit of writing really,like dizzle there was no actual stand out moments untill the closing lines,as each line ran into the next effortlessly.. Overall i think this is going to boil down to ones preference when ppl vote on this,and i do expect to see some seesaw voting,but for me detail was the key here,and Ridley had that popping,both gave good account of themselves,both came creative too,good.job guys.. Vote..Ridley..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12327 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Posted: 10 September 2016 at 7:13pm |
1-0 Ridley
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Slip
Standard Member Joined: 04 June 2013 Location: St Johns. N.L. Status: Offline Points: 1612 Crew: Alter Egos Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 14-33-0 Form: LLLWLW |
Posted: 10 September 2016 at 8:58pm |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. first of all its good topic given in this battle so many different angles and ways to go about this dizz your verse moved along nicely you went for the mad man on a wild goose chase after him self the twist at the end was cool but i would of like to of seem more or something better then him being lost for words rid the approach you took was nice very technical from like a professionals point of view and you kept it clever and funny very entertaining "Exocuntomine" i had to laugh the whole thing flowed well it had some nice stand out points and the way you ended it off sealed the deal MVGT :Ridley for the more entertaining read
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12327 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Posted: 17 September 2016 at 10:54am |
2-0 Ridley
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alicewonder
Standard Member Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
Posted: 26 September 2016 at 8:42pm |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Daydizzle: I enjoyed the overall concept of your verse. To start off, the direct tone and rather consistent scheme you employed contributed very well to the readability of this, making it an overall smooth read, so, great work in that regard. Content-wise it was nice, I liked your opening segment with along with its somewhat interesting and relevant references (the 'foster' one for example). It really helped in the direct descriptiveness here, subtly depicting a specific scenery. Towards the middle segment, though, the content (particularly the references) felt random, such as the 'sponsor' part. The 'monster/goner' bit is also a strong example for that. The phraseology, at least to me, doesn't really evoke the emotional depth you'd have while reading that particular bar. I think you focused more on the consistency of your scheme here rather than on elaborating on the 'story' with relevant details, at least at some spots (like the one I mentioned earlier). Having said that, I think the real highlight here was your ending. I wasn't really sure where you'd be going with this when I first started reading your verse, as it's a rather broad, but interesting topic. But I think the twist was relatively well incorporated. Some very subtle details with regard to the father could've been quite interesting, though. Overall, a nice read. Ridley: I thoroughly enjoyed this original approach here. You employed humorous references throughout, which were obviously very relevant in depicting the 'multiple personalities' hereby through somewhat obvious references. I think you incorporated those very references in an interesting way, I particularly enjoyed the Matt/Scott and Dizz line. While it was a rather short read, it was very much on point and it felt complete. I also really liked how you concluded it with a tone of 'final realisation' - a very entertaining read overall. It was also pretty nice scheme-wise, although somewhat similar to Daydizzle in that regard. Overall, I think this is a rather close battle with two very different approaches concept-, as well as content-wise. I enjoyed both verses, but Ridley's made for a more entertaining read here. Vote - Ridley
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12327 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Posted: 07 October 2016 at 7:41pm |
3-0 KO to Rids, locked.
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