Open Mic: Perceptions Perceived [KOTM] |
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Lord Puente
Newbie Final Boss Joined: 05 July 2016 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1814 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-2-0 Form: LWWWLW |
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Posted: 15 November 2016 at 5:24pm |
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Perceptions Perceived there's an inner peace between the seams,/ but none the less im split between,/ happiness in fields of dreams,/ Malfeasance and evil deeds,/ in recent weeks ive felt at ease,/ nestled betwixt the leaves of trees,/ wrestling with the darkness ive seen,/ raised amidst a city of thieves,/ where cutting throats is merely a means,/ sins to survive, im guilty of these,/ behind the scenes what does this really achieve?/ life is precious and you need to believe,/ if there's leafless trees, we're unable to breathe,/ so switch this please and bring on the peaks,/ if people are hungry give something to eat,/ next time there's beef, share a piece of the cheese,/ trust me my peeps, ive done studies,/ outcomes depend on perceptions perceived./ |
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2223 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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hm, why is this not getting any feed? this was a very solid showing.
ha you actually had me look up malfeasance lol as i thought it was a typo on maleficence haha. so i read this as one's internal struggle between his altruistic nature and the current, hopeless reprieve of humanity as a whole. Which i totally understand. Its hard to stay positive in the face of fucked up shit so i do appreciate the message of this verse. Positive message is often shied away from for whatever reason so this was certainly a breath of fresh air. I like how u use the photo also. rhyming was pretty solid bro. very clean and lots of multies to move things along. if i was to nitpick, i felt that this could've been an awesome character sketch - like if u were to elaborate on this part: where cutting throats is merely a means,/ sins to survive, im guilty of these use that segment as a crutch to go into specific internal strife....man that would have been insane, combined with that rhyming! But as it stands this is definitely solid and should be getting more feed!
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Interesting,you came with a completely different angle for this picture,more
humanity based than other drops on this topic,kind of gave the impression of hope,false or otherwise,but then how can hope be false,anyways I loved the simplicity of this piece in display give it a purpose all of its own here,that gave it a fresh feel and vibe for me,also a quick read that was easy to take in and absorb,if only ppl could shed their frailties think of the heights we could attain,but this for the time being is a pipe dream,we as a race need to break from boarders and traditions that holds us all back,but don't see it happening any time soon, that what I got from this verse,made me think a little about us as a race,so well done for turning the cogs in my head here,the message given is a clear one really,upbeat and positive also focused,I liked this piece on the whole, a real good and alternative view of the picture, nice work here enjoyed the read.. peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Lord Puente
Newbie Final Boss Joined: 05 July 2016 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1814 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-2-0 Form: LWWWLW |
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thanks guys, I appreciate the feedback. the picture was very inspiring, normally don't write verses to pictures but I enjoyed this go.
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SELF ACTIVATE
Standard Member Joined: 05 February 2016 Location: Kemet Status: Offline Points: 1380 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
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I think what you wrote here is something we all can relate to. It's that inner-conflict that takes place in the depths of our souls...it's that eternal battle that is waged daily for the possession of man's peace of mind and destiny.
I think you did a grood job here indirectly depicting the contrasting imagery. It was subtle, but apparently.
I can't say that I disagree.
This line is probably my favorite. It simple, yet powerful in what it states. Not that I'm an Green-Peace-tree-hugging-environmentalist or anything, but I do believe in respecting the planet from which we all sprung forth from and share. I think to any civilized mind that should be obvious, but thus apparently it is not. In any case, what you wrote was the true.
Wouldn't that be nice?
Indeed. What you choose to believe will determine your own reality. Overall -- this was a nice submission, bro. You had a relevant message that meshed well with the topic. Your written voice was clear and your written thoughts were well expressed. As for the mechanics, I think you maintained a smooth and fluid read throughout. Nice job, LP. Peace... |
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Lord Puente
Newbie Final Boss Joined: 05 July 2016 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1814 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-2-0 Form: LWWWLW |
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That was a great review, thank you very much!
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spume corrupt
Superior Member Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3163 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
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I liked your entry last month and this didn't let that trend down
Similar to mine in approach, so it was easier for me to relate to than some of the other entries |
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spume corrupt
Superior Member Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3163 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
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End rhymes were dope as fuck so the flow was seamless to me
Sometimes shit is just about preference and all people dig different things, clever in end rhymes are def one of my favourite tools and more realistic less cryptic wording also works for me You had that all going on, the read was easy If I had to give advice from a non condescending stand point, I would say thinking on trying to create Clever connections thru wordplay would strengthen game |
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Lord Puente
Newbie Final Boss Joined: 05 July 2016 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1814 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-2-0 Form: LWWWLW |
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Just saw this last feedback. Thanks spume, I will take your advice and run with it. I appreciate any constructive Critism anytime .
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The Inventor
Groupie Joined: 15 November 2016 Status: Offline Points: 51 |
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"there's an inner peace between the seems,/but none the less im split between the seams,/
happiness in fields of dreams,/ Malfeasance and evil deeds,/" This was a great opening quatrain. Loved how you perfectly described the image of finding peace between madness and happiness. "in recent weeks ive felt at ease,/ nestled betwixt the leaves of trees,/ wrestling with the darkness ive seen,/ raised amidst a city of thieves,/" Solid flow and rhyming here. I also like the content of struggling with darkness,but finding your comfort zone despite of it. "where cutting throats is merely a means,/ sins to survive, im guilty of these,/ behind the scenes what does this really achieve?/ life is precious and you need to believe,/" Once again the content is great and the flow is executed well. I like how your words paint an image of a people doing anything to survive and stay alive. "if there's leafless trees, we're unable to breathe,/ so switch this please and bring on the peaks,/ if people are hungry give something to eat,/ next time there's beef, share a piece of the cheese,/" Solid content here as well. I Also love the message about helping one of another and the line about beef and cheese was cool. "trust me my peeps, ive done studies,/ outcomes depend on perceptions perceived./" This was a decent closer. The only flaw I could see is that the end word on the second to last bar doesn't rhyme with the next bar's last word. I think it would have flowed better if you said,"Trust me peeps,I've studied the leaves,/ Outcomes depend on perceptions perceived,/" Lastly,this was a good entry that did a solid job of describing what the image depicted.  |
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Lord Puente
Newbie Final Boss Joined: 05 July 2016 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1814 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-2-0 Form: LWWWLW |
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i appreciate the feedback inventor
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alicewonder
Standard Member Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
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I have only seen very few verses from you, so I'm glad I read this one. The content was impressive.
With the risk of repeating what's been said already, I thoroughly enjoyed the approach you took. It was definitely different as it had a strong, underlying sense of hope and positive prospects which really set this apart. The middle segment was, personally, a highlight. The schemes and very clear rhymes you used made for a smooth read throughout. It would've been interesting to see you expanding the narrative with some more details, an incorporation of a character for example, as Sammy already mentioned. An enjoyable read overall. And I also learned a new word, so thanks for sharing. |
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