Text Battle Archive: Topical Twist SANDSTORM: Slip v Axy (3-0)

This vote has been accepted by a moderator.

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This vote has been accepted by a moderator.

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OK guys one question though,are you both fed up yet with battling each other..lol.


Slip..


In sync with the clock, ears locked on a leaky faucet
hearing "tick tock drip drop"with no way to stop it
a constant noise in the background breaks an awkward silence
his conscience causes flashbacks filling the void with violence
screeching victims like violins replaying in his head
visions of people screaming, place was painted red
across his spine around his neck kept it bottled up with in
hidden problems back to haunt him surface through his skin
soaking the bed in sweat thoughts rattle in his brain
staring at the ceiling eyes lost in a water stain
a strange feeling unexplained with no proper name
has him losing his mind deranged ,drifting through the windowpane

(straight off the bat you've opened up here with some real nice imagery,the inclusion
of the clock/faucet and their sounds was creative also,the next lines that followed
were also well delivered,I like the fact that as a reader I'm being drawn in here,I thought you did well with the indirect and detached words aswell,like the screeching of violins/
water stain,you so had a good tempo that, heightened this segment too..)

back to that cold dark ally where the first one was slaughtered
and his thirst for blood began to flow with the sacrifice he offered
to a voice inside his head whom he believed to be devine
he strived to satisfy this entity with any chance he'd find
as quickly as he could like he was running out of time
he did what he was told like his life was on the line
trying to make it trying to save it, there was never enough
always running out of time had to kill it in a rush
he seen time as a thief, taking away those moments he never got to keep
letting it slide through his fingers like worthless pennies in the street

(in this segment the pace seemed to be ramped up some,the wording became more
forceful also,you still managed to keep the direction going,again keeping with what
works as a concept the time element is again a key in this segment,the biding if you
like,plus it started to pick up again with the imagery towards the end here in this part..)


lay those bodies he left for dead ,listening to what the voice said
"Jamie your running out of time again we need to see some blood shed"
"We need a victim everyday to keep the monster in our soul fed"
"your running out of time kid paint this fucking place red"
but Jamie could do nothing curled up on a cold bed
committed for being crazy, he's actually on some strong meds
his bodies numb but he's in agony , still hearing what the voice says

and if the doctors dont fix'em soon he'll be delusional forever
i hope and pray to god they do something to make him better
and they try every thing they can so we cant say they never

(this was also good,a little bit of a back story too,the vibe/tempo still being busy here,the imagery threw off a tortured soul in a constant struggle with his demons,
I liked it on the whole,personally though I would've ended it there and left the last
little segment out about the DR trying fix him,anyways we'll done, I enjoyed the read..)


Axy..


Last night I couldn't sleep the thoughts of it rushin
my brain stormed as the rain stormed with the streets gushing
Flashback to the morning when she gave me this warning
that this is your last chance,better not miss it Johnny
It may sound a bit corny but I don't hate her
but the stuff she makes me do! wanna obliterate her
She never appreciated how sleepless were my nights
My blood, my sweat just so she could be the highlights
But when all is said and done guess I am just a slave
I may never escape this realm of desire that humans crave
Its just like Dave , no matter how many diamonds you cumulate

(firstly I would of like you to of used the word flooding instead of gushing here,in the
opening lines,as the word would be more fitting,still that just a preference for me only,
so the story opens with a guy who is a patsy,you had some decent wording here,the
flow was good also,you've seem to of took a direct approach,the thing is it lacks depth,
this is because it lacks detail and imagery,which is a topicals biggest asset on the norm..)

the game is never over is it? Its just walkin to another stage
Back to the morning, I feel my eyes mourning
as a reminder that I better heed her warning
I dress up in my best suit, walk through my front door
Another day, another chance for me to save my boat
Just then she calls and yells with the pitch of her throat
Johnny you bastard , your stupidity just fucked us both
Be here is 15 or the heavens gonna rain on you
then I realize that the next bus leaves in two
So I sprint down the road with wind blowing my face
Every second passed like it was gonna blow in my face

(I liked the start of this segment here the first 3 lines seemed to be saying something, then it just seems to taper off there after,your flow was also suffering at this point too,
the quick hopping rhyme style wasn't quite working,and there was an issue with the vibe and feel of this,I get the intentions of using the same word twice too, but this fell
flat in my opinion,if your going to use the same word again, you have to bring a fresh
concept or twist for it to work,

I saw the bus in my sight, it was gonna leave
I screamed, I cried! someone please save me a seat
Phew! That was close but 5 mins later bus crashed
So I got down and dashed and lashed for my way
guess I probably smashed some records on that day
I still had two minutes left or so to pray
Running out of time, reach the reception I say hey

Didn't boss just give you last warning not to be late?
Or do you have some excuse again? Huh Johnny?

GREAT!!

(this was probably the best segment for me,as you are really are keeping within the topic's subject matter here,again though imagery and details are lacking,like what caused the bus to crash?,why is he often late?,it's the little things that say heaps,and
to be honest that's what's been missing here in this piece,this verse on the whole isn't
bad,in fact it's pretty decent,it just seems to appear rushed,I do like the concept and
your take on the theme..)

Overall I'm going to go with Slip here,for me he's drop seemed to be more consistent
and directed,plus the imagery he supplied was crisp in parts,and Axy your verse just
seemed to be rushed and lacking details compared to Slips.

Vote..Slip..peace.