Open Mic: The Woodsville Murders |
Post Reply |
Author |
Rating: Topic Search Topic Options
|
Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #4 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
Posted: 16 December 2016 at 12:56am |
It would be cliche to witness murder on Halloween day
After all is 2016, not '78 But the story remains the same.. stalker after a teen prude Who'd expect to get slashed on a school night in June? That ain't horror, but I'm about to render the era Slicin man or woman, it doesnt matter the gender Youre witnessin diary entries that develop lunacy I guess my therapist wishes he coulda got through to me I watched him stare at his computer screen, 11 o clock Typical white boy, muscles.. guess you'd call him a jock Without the quarterback, i guess the title's up on the line But who gives a fuck? I made my mark right in his spine His keys were sticky from the blood i had him coughin and bleedin The thickness in it had him gaggin when he wants to be breathin I went the extra nudge and thrusted till it came out his chest Left him with a knife inside his heart at his own computer desk Why do people feel bad when they take anothers life? I even took that bitches wallet, he fuckin ruined my knife You may be reading and wondering "who could do this and run?" I would have an answer, but having no motive is fun Only time i was inspired to stab till the blood pours and drips Is when I watch the sequel to a cheesy 80s horror flick The next day, the news broke as im sitting in class Trying not to smile, better yet, even laugh Killing was my passion, its everything that pleased me most Woulda killed his bitch next if I hadnt done it 2 weeks ago Am i truly evil? Or just fucked up mentally? You decide after i hang the principal at the assembly The best part is that every kill is recorded, while blood pours and spills I document the murders to make my own horror film "Students, please report to the auditorium" Guess it was time to give that punk his little memorium Walked out of class, saw the principal in the hall He went to piss so i cornered him inside of the stall I thought of Scream when i got busy duct tapin his lips Said "you try to fuckin fight and i will gut you like a fish" Grabbed the rope out of my bag, had him lookin like a wild hog Woulda finished him but i didnt want his blood all in the halls When the hall cleared, I dragged him down the steps to his office Grabbed his keys and took his cell phone out his pocket Texted his wife "Honey, im not comin back home You can tuck that ugly fuck right into bed all alone" Could have just killed him in his chair, but why have his blood roarin from His veins when i could hang him in the fuckin auditorium? After all, the back door to his office was connected Hes kickin and squeelin, as i drag him by his neck quick Carry him up the steps until i hit the catwalk Lookin down, i see the students, man they act all Fuckin depressed, but what was comin was worse I ripped the tape on his mouth, and before he could burst I wrapped the rope around his neck, tied the end to the bar Lookin down like "damn, man. That drops pretty far" I put the knife to his chin, said "this the end of the line Now when I kill a guy, the whole school can see it this time" He said "you cant get away with this, you gotta listen to me" I said "wrong. The killer doesnt die in this movie" He looked at me in shock, as i pulled out my phone Stood him up and shaked his keys "ill see your wife back at home" Gave him a wink, but before i pushed him over I made sure i fuckin sliced his stomach right open Threw his ass off of the walk, and when he stopped and then swung His guts fell all on the stage, staff, students and all Looking in awe, everybody screamed in a fright Put the knife back in my pocket as i breezed through the night As I write this very entry, im still on the loose So when you find this and read it, make sure you look behind you Because if im not there for you, im killin someone you know But only time will tell until I have your carcass corrode Maybe you can be the star in the film that im making You can get the fame, but your hearts for my taking After all, there was only 2 scenes with a kill Unfortunately for you I still got an hour to fill See you soon |
|
Lord Puente
Newbie Final Boss Joined: 05 July 2016 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1814 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-2-0 Form: LWWWLW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
wow.......... this is what im talking about. there were less gaps in the story this time and it just made the story that much fucking better. you give the first kill, then make a mention of the other in the past, rather than do multiple jumps of kills. the more jumps done take away from it. the smooth connection is what makes stories great imo. this did that exactly. you made a quick introduction of the character, then you led him to the meat and potatoes of the story but you had the play by play of how he ended up from the bathroom, to swaying gutless in the auditorium. you had some slick multis in here, well done on that.
how you ended it was dope, you managed to create a fear of the character, and reading about him maybe being behind me actually made me feel like im being watched by someone behind me... real talk tho.... I looked.... solid solid drop, I really enjoyed this. it was awesome, best story ive seen you drop yet! on the note for improvement, I really think introducing a name to the character always help the reader build the character in their mind, it makes it more real. kind of like how farmers tell their kids not to name the farm animals because they will be slaughtered for meat. they don't want them to build that emotional connection. the only other thing I will say, im big on transitional rhymes which is not something I really see much on this site by anyone. when switching a rhyme it can shift it to god tier when you add that transitional rhyme. this was fire tho, great drop man! |
|
|
|
Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #4 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
thanks man! me not adding a character name was intentional actually, I wanted to give the reader a feeling that anybody could be killer. anybody around you, so keep your eyes open because you don't know who could come for you. that was kind of the idea, but I can also definitely see why you think a character name would fit too. thanks for reading homie
|
|
H4ZE
Standard Member Joined: 13 July 2013 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1859 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-6-0 Form: WWLLLL |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
This shit is crazy bro, kept me on the edge the whole time wondering what would happen, there was no skips in the story, it was easy to follow and understand, flow was good throughout, good wording and the story telling was great. Loved the detailing of the killing, you really snapped on this shit. You ended it nice too, almost made me look over my shoulder to see if someone was behind me lmao. Good shit homie youve been killing the OMs lately.
|
|
|
|
Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #4 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
thanks h4ze, I got bored chillin in 6th period and ended up writing this that same period lmao
|
|
SELF ACTIVATE
Standard Member Joined: 05 February 2016 Location: Kemet Status: Offline Points: 1380 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
This was dope. It reminded me of the first Scream movie (as you mentioned in your verse). It was really graphic, but well thought out and executed. I could see it...but in motion. Your attention to detail really brought this piece to life. For instance, the parts about the computer, dragging the principal down the catwalk, and shaking the keys, all added to the realism of the story. Vivid and visceral writing. You've been on a tear, bro. This was elite level stuff. I Can't really fault you on anything I just read. It was just dope and a pleasure to read. Props!
|
|
Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #4 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
Thank you!
|
|
Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
lol..to be honest at first I thought I was reading a piece by Daydizzle there for a moment,had me checking the alias to make sure,anyways this for me came off
as horror core piece or like a short story on Fright Night,and yeah I liked it on the whole,from when I saw the title (which is class by the way) until the finish,the read was a pacey one and also stayed on course like a horse on a track,it also had a vibrant feel too,and that don't turn round part was classic horror fiction.. lol..nice touch there,in a way it added a little bit of suspense to this piece,the only fault I have with this is that it was to directed,yeah I get the character just likes random killings and a thrill he gains from them,but a little back story would of transformed this verse no ends,like as a boy he'd burn bugs or torture the local cat,then hit the cruel and callous shit,even adding a little part questioning himself would of added extra depth to this,which in turn would lift this piece up,details and imagery count to for a lot in an OM,anyways still it was good,and a enjoyable read overall,so props for the effort and the read itself..peace. |
|
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
|
Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #4 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
thanks for reading man! glad you enjoyed
|
|
Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #4 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
Anymore looks on this?
|
|
daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
Mr. Elite,
I dont know why you dont write as much. I know you do audio and shit but your OM's are top notch when you write. You use the proper vocab, awesome flow, usually always keep on point with a topical and keep people reading your shit. So for that being said. Fuck you. This piece was long. I read it a day or two ago and was lazy to break it down segment by segment because of the length. Its a little discouraging but fuck, you do audio so this was casual for ya. I got alot of visuals while reading this. You are descriptive as fuck. Example Carry him up the steps until i hit the catwalk Lookin down, i see the students, man they act all Fuckin depressed, but what was comin was worse I ripped the tape on his mouth, and before he could burst I wrapped the rope around his neck, tied the end to the bar Lookin down like "damn, man. That drops pretty far" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ This is the shit i like to read. Descriptive, a little comical and vivid. I can picture this shit in my head brothaman. Its dopeness |
|
Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #4 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
Thanks dizz! Btw im back to writing topicals for a while, i havent felt inspired to make anymore tracks lately, im more interested in topical writing currently. I dropped another piece called The Killing Joke to test the waters on how good i could write a topical (its been a long time since i wrote one) and it came out great, so im back at it
|
|
iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
Elite... man what a long way you have come bro... this was a fluid read but my eyes do hurt from the one long ass structure. Some gaps are easier on the eyes. I felt the the beginning and middle were all set up for the end. The end was really really good. You incorporated a nice fear factor. I thought the simple approach was done well. What I mean by that is you weren't overly technical with schemes and you didn't use a huge vocab which was good. It really gave it a nice short story vibe. I enjoyed it man, you really gave it a motion picture feel to it. I could see your lyrics and scenes you created.
|
|
Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #4 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
Thanks for the feed ill, glad you enjoyed the read
|
|
rhetorical
Site Moderator Joined: 14 February 2014 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 807 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-0 Form: WWL |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
yo, anything i add will just be mimicking what others have said. very detailed very well thought out story you have on your hands here. My favorite genre of movies is horror, so something like this is right down my alley. just picturing each line like a movie slide, it really came to life so you deserve every bit of credit you get on this. Good work, great read. keep em coming
|
|
|
|
Post Reply | |
Tweet
|
Forum Jump | Forum Permissions You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot create polls in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum |
|