Open Mic: [WD#7] Bang |
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Venomonology
Standard Member Joined: 23 October 2012 Status: Offline Points: 674 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 9-2-0 Form: WWLWWW |
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Posted: 20 December 2016 at 11:53am |
Bang. He detonates a bullet to the sanguine flesh Ain't no mirage, this depravity's no bad dream: Death to the relic of a man he called a brother once Yet he gains respect on the placards of a government His mind applies a tourniquet, but pulchritude still bubbles through Pride blinds his eyes to the damage a salute can do A fish fed by a whale. Yo, fuck the honour that appears When killers clime to fame off of this onamatopoeia |
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SELF ACTIVATE
Standard Member Joined: 05 February 2016 Location: Kemet Status: Offline Points: 1380 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
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I've been trying my best to decode this for the last several minutes. The best that I could come up with is ... this piece may be about some sort of brainwashed solider that did terrible things in the name of patriotism. In any case, as far as executing the objective goes, I think you did a good job using the words in an interesting way. I like how you weren't just straight forward with their literal meanings, but instead, made them bend to the will of your narrative. Also, I like the slick wordplay at the end involving fish/whale/killer. Lastly, did you mean to say "claim" as oppose to "clime"? Anyway, best line:
"gains respect on the placards of a government His mind applies a tourniquet, but pulchritude still bubbles through" ^I like the rhythm and the tourniquet part was dope! |
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Venomonology
Standard Member Joined: 23 October 2012 Status: Offline Points: 674 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 9-2-0 Form: WWLWWW |
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appreciate the feed man, and yeah you're spot on. I was thinking of calling the piece War Hero or something like that to make it more obvious, but decided it would be more fun to let the reader figure it out. less about a specific soldier / patriotism and more a comment on war in general. but yeah same ball park.
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SELF ACTIVATE
Standard Member Joined: 05 February 2016 Location: Kemet Status: Offline Points: 1380 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
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Ahhh interesting stuff and I agree. I think there are times when the open-ended approach works wonders by creating intrigue and requiring the reader to actually think and process the words of the author. This is a good example of that. It wasn't too encrypt, but it also wasn't too ease either.
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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I struggled to catch the rhyming at the start...not sure if it's an accent thing or an unusual attempt at a rhyme scheme, but it kind of distracted me at the outset. Once you get past that I kind of like it as a social commentary observation piece. Liked the fish food / Whale metaphor/ comparison, that was nice. Was quite standoffish in the critique I felt, which is a little unusual for an antiwar sentiment...but makes it an interesting one to reflect on.
Loving the variety of all these drops!! |
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Endeavor
Senior Moderator Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
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^ that's because death is still a component (in the rhyming sense) of the second line. The same occurs in the following set. I can see government / brother once work, though.
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#Bananas
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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Yes I understood that death was the rhyme to flesh, I'm just saying it threw me off a bit.
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HI-Z
Groupie Joined: 27 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 196 Crew: Alter Egos |
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Something was off here... I'm not sure what it was, and I don't like poking holes in people's work. I've read a few of your perivious pices and they were all solid bro. I don't know what happened here, maybe it's just me or my mind set at the moment but I'm not feeling this. My faviort part was the salute line wich had none of the given words in it. My least favorite part was the Onomatopoeia line at the end I tried to figure out what you were going for but failed. Killers clime to fame off this Onomatopoeia...? I'm at a lose. I'd almost say I'd like to see you take a seconed crack at the challenge. I hope this dosent come off as disrespectful in any way it's only my opinion on this entry. You are a well established and competent writer and I'm not out to make any enemies. Don't be offened, ill catch ya later man.
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Venomonology
Standard Member Joined: 23 October 2012 Status: Offline Points: 674 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 9-2-0 Form: WWLWWW |
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All good man, up to you what you feel / don't feel. I'll just clarify that last line for you though. Bang is an onomatopoeia, the sound a gun makes. The piece is about political war heroes finding fame by killing, so they climb to fame off the back of the sound bang. They climb to fame off an onomatopoeia. That was the intended direction anyway, can understand if people don't think it worked in the way I planned it to.
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HI-Z
Groupie Joined: 27 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 196 Crew: Alter Egos |
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Oh..I see it now that's my bad, I couldn't see the forest through the trees. It makes total sense now and works quite well actually. Thanks for the expo, and for whats it's worth your use of Onomatopoeia was better than my attempted use of the word in my opinion.
Edited by HI-Z - 22 December 2016 at 7:27am |
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