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Cuba 
Senior Moderator 
Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12329  Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
 Topic: Topical Twist TORNADO: S Dubb v Rhetorical (1-3)Posted: 13 January 2017 at 8:00pm |
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Topical battle
32 line limit Topic = Pick any one of the five images here (posting your chosen image BEFORE your verse) Deadline = Midnight, TWO weeks from today |
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S Dubb
Groupie 
Joined: 03 December 2016 Location: Cincinnati Status: Offline Points: 404 Crew: Alter Egos Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-7-1 Form: LLLLNL |
Posted: 16 January 2017 at 9:27am |
 Fire scorches internally, burning my soul with sorrow and pain... Flames torch the streets, who knows what tomorrow will bring... Armageddon is upon us, how did God deny my rapturing... Demons scurry about, trying to demise my capturing... Wicked souls being punished, experiencing no eternal bliss... Left to fend for myself, how did Jesus deny my vertical lift... How could he do this? How could Jesus have left me behind... I step to the side, as I met genocide, heavily I wept and I cried... Tears soak my shirt, why have I been left a falling victim... Witnessing Lucifer crucifying people! I saw him rip them... Apart! Organs and hearts, peeling flesh from the bone... Satin bringing torture and pain has a death of it's own... Tragedies happening around me, I steadily grow hesitations... Visions I witness in my eyes I realize heavy my own revelations.... Enduring hardships! Fighting back with hard work and perseverance.... Envisioning preachers severe endings, truly hurts the spirits... Darkness covers Earth, as the redness grows thicker... Hope withers to decibels when cuts cover ya throats inner... As wounds are opened from the pounds of a beast... Your organs eating slowly by the hell-hounds he released... Now they feast, as demonic creatures plague the Earth... Eerie screams from other beings seem to make things worse... Life is full of choices, and I've chosen my path... He's fully committed, Satin has devoted his wrath... Fire covers the ground, temperatures increase rapidly... I'm dead inside ... The Devil literally deceased half of me... As the end draws near, everyone is fighting survival... Parents and kids gather, holding hands reciting the bible... From Psalms to Proverbs, everything they can remember... This years ended like we reached another damn December... Armageddon is upon us, only the chosen has risen... The rest of us have been left here hoping we're hidden... |
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Topical Twist League= 1-0
1-2 Punch League= 0-3 Regular Text= 0-1 Alias= 0-1 Topical= 1-0 Horrorcore= 1-0 Overall= 3-5 |
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rhetorical
Site Moderator
Joined: 14 February 2014 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 807 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-0 Form: WWL |
Posted: 26 January 2017 at 1:08am |
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Ugly. I guess thats what we’ve become. Chugging bottles of Rum keeping comfortably numb Days are numbered. Every Session. re-Fresh to Day One You know the saying. . . My name is ______ then admit that your dumb Life’s insufferable. Cruel is when sifting its crumbs The dull existence we live is just sitting on tongues When discussing our issues or just wishing we’re young Should I feed the withdrawal or chew the end of a gun Stomach rumbles. But toxic habits run deep Rather swig whiskey than binge on a substance to eat Life is a lucid dream I conduct when I sleep I live for Happy Hour, 3 to 6 every 2nd day of the week Dollar draft pours from tap like a river or stream Deliver me from whatever drives my liver to shrink These drunken moments. . when I sit here and think About things. Life. Or how it lost it all for a drink. . See, I had a wife. It didn’t take her long to realize my affliction She prayed for me while I was just finding religion Like. Who was this bitch to question conviction? To me . . 'If you love me' was a played out euphemism Until she left and took my daughter away Now visits are monitored, 2 hours every other Sunday Somehow searching for words to say to my child But, how do you call yourself a fuck up then smile? Meanwhile, my career is spinning out of control 11 years then you’re told they’re letting you go. Severance package in the mail, a letter or note Thanks for your service. . . puts a lump in your throat Try to swallow losing everything good that you know Or, just take another sip. Tip the bottle Empty the drops See the destruction behind every sign that said STOP!  Then pour yourself another cheers. |
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Nigma
Site Moderator
Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4077 Crew: Elision   |
Posted: 15 February 2017 at 4:12am |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. S Dubb Fire scorches internally, burning my soul with sorrow and pain... Flames torch the streets, who knows what tomorrow will bring... Armageddon is upon us, how did God deny my rapturing... Demons scurry about, trying to demise my capturing... Cool opener. Fits nicely with picture, interesting rhymes, good imagery. 'Demise my capturing' was a miss for me, sorta nonsensical, otherwise solid start. Wicked souls being punished, experiencing no eternal bliss... Left to fend for myself, how did Jesus deny my vertical lift... How could he do this? How could Jesus have left me behind... I step to the side, as I met genocide, heavily I wept and I cried... Tears soak my shirt, why have I been left a falling victim... Witnessing Lucifer crucifying people! I saw him rip them... Apart! Organs and hearts, peeling flesh from the bone... Satin bringing torture and pain has a death of it's own... Did you mean Satan? Regardless this section was fresh. Vivid portrait of hells horrors. Tragedies happening around me, I steadily grow hesitations... Visions I witness in my eyes I realize heavy my own revelations.... Enduring hardships! Fighting back with hard work and perseverance.... Envisioning preachers severe endings, truly hurts the spirits... Darkness covers Earth, as the redness grows thicker... Hope withers to decibels when cuts cover ya throats inner... As wounds are opened from the pounds of a beast... Your organs eating slowly by the hell-hounds he released... Now they feast, as demonic creatures plague the Earth... Eerie screams from other beings seem to make things worse... Life is full of choices, and I've chosen my path... He's fully committed, Satin has devoted his wrath... I'm envisioning hell being governed by a giant silky smooth satin pillowcase Fire covers the ground, temperatures increase rapidly... I'm dead inside ... The Devil literally deceased half of me... As the end draws near, everyone is fighting survival... Parents and kids gather, holding hands reciting the bible... From Psalms to Proverbs, everything they can remember... This years ended like we reached another damn December... Armageddon is upon us, only the chosen has risen... The rest of us have been left here hoping we're hidden... I thought this was a pretty enjoyable verse. Solid mechanics, strong visuals, and a straightforward angle that meshed with the topic well. rhetorical Ugly. I guess thats what we’ve become. Chugging bottles of Rum keeping comfortably numb Days are numbered. Every Session. re-Fresh to Day One You know the saying. . . My name is ______ then admit that your dumb Life’s insufferable. Cruel is when sifting its crumbs The dull existence we live is just sitting on tongues When discussing our issues or just wishing we’re young Should I feed the withdrawal or chew the end of a gun Stomach rumbles. But toxic habits run deep Rather swig whiskey than binge on a substance to eat Life is a lucid dream I conduct when I sleep I live for Happy Hour, 3 to 6 every 2nd day of the week Dollar draft pours from tap like a river or stream Deliver me from whatever drives my liver to shrink These drunken moments. . when I sit here and think About things. Life. Or how it lost it all for a drink. . See, I had a wife. It didn’t take her long to realize my affliction She prayed for me while I was just finding religion Like. Who was this bitch to question conviction? To me . . 'If you love me' was a played out euphemism Until she left and took my daughter away Now visits are monitored, 2 hours every other Sunday Somehow searching for words to say to my child But, how do you call yourself a fuck up then smile? Meanwhile, my career is spinning out of control 11 years then you’re told they’re letting you go. Severance package in the mail, a letter or note Thanks for your service. . . puts a lump in your throat Try to swallow losing everything good that you know Or, just take another sip. Tip the bottle Empty the drops See the destruction behind every sign that said STOP! This verse fits better with a summary breakdown, was more about the start to finish product as opposed to fragments. Cool intro, I liked how you painted a picture with the comfortably numb section that fits the your alcoholic angle nicely. Mechanics were solid, as was the concept of the verse, however I just feel like you played it safe here. I feel your most successful when you delve a bit deeper. Being overly critical because this was a fairly close battle but it lacked a bit of believablity for me. Like I was reading a description of a drunk instead of seeing through his eyes. Overall, you both had a typo on the word realise. Also both came with quality verses. I felt the verse with stronger imagery took it this week. +1 S Dubb |
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alicewonder
Standard Member 
Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
Posted: 19 February 2017 at 7:01pm |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. S Dubb Fire scorches internally, burning my soul with sorrow and pain... Flames torch the streets, who knows what tomorrow will bring... Armageddon is upon us, how did God deny my rapturing... Demons scurry about, trying to demise my capturing... A really nice opening segment. It's very straightforward and fits the picture in a direct way. Technical-wise, it's quite enjoyable as well, although the scheme could be slightly more advanced with a more thorough 'matching' in terms of internals, but overall it's definitely a good start. Wicked souls being punished, experiencing no eternal bliss... Left to fend for myself, how did Jesus deny my vertical lift... How could he do this? How could Jesus have left me behind... I step to the side, as I met genocide, heavily I wept and I cried... The scheme you employed here was more enjoyable to me. The consistency, which I mentioned earlier, is really evident here. I also appreciate the variety of elements you incorporated here, such as the direct addressing and almost (although very short) monologue-like approach. It somewhat felt more authentic compared to your opening segment. Tears soak my shirt, why have I been left a falling victim... Witnessing Lucifer crucifying people! I saw him rip them... Apart! Organs and hearts, peeling flesh from the bone... Satin bringing torture and pain has a death of it's own... Well, I can appreciate the very consistent theme of damnation/rel. references here. The typo also wasn't a big deal, really. But as much as I can appreciate the straightforwardness of this, I feel like the references you employed here are very predictable. Obviously you tried to describe the scenery depicted in the picture as detailed as you can, and I totally understand that. And I think, so far, you did it very well. It's just that I feel like I already know where this is leading to. I just wish for a more authentic tone in what I've read so far. Tragedies happening around me, I steadily grow hesitations... Visions I witness in my eyes I realize heavy my own revelations.... Enduring hardships! Fighting back with hard work and perseverance.... Envisioning preachers severe endings, truly hurts the spirits... Darkness covers Earth, as the redness grows thicker... Hope withers to decibels when cuts cover ya throats inner... As wounds are opened from the pounds of a beast... Your organs eating slowly by the hell-hounds he released... I thoroughly enjoyed this segment. Very vividly descriptive and the references had a certain degree of depth to them. The last bar is the highlight so far, imo. And the scheme is also even more consistent now. Now they feast, as demonic creatures plague the Earth... Eerie screams from other beings seem to make things worse... Life is full of choices, and I've chosen my path... He's fully committed, Satin has devoted his wrath... Fire covers the ground, temperatures increase rapidly... I'm dead inside ... The Devil literally deceased half of me... As the end draws near, everyone is fighting survival... Parents and kids gather, holding hands reciting the bible... From Psalms to Proverbs, everything they can remember... This years ended like we reached another damn December... Armageddon is upon us, only the chosen has risen... The rest of us have been left here hoping we're hidden... Ok so the ending kinda confirms the 'predictability aspect' that I mentioned earlier. I think overall, this was a really well written verse. There was one segment which stood out to me in terms of (detailed) imagery and originality. From a technical aspect, this was very enjoyable though. rhetorical Ugly. I guess thats what we’ve become. Chugging bottles of Rum keeping comfortably numb Days are numbered. Every Session. re-Fresh to Day One You know the saying. . . My name is ______ then admit that your dumb Life’s insufferable. Cruel is when sifting its crumbs The dull existence we live is just sitting on tongues When discussing our issues or just wishing we’re young Should I feed the withdrawal or chew the end of a gun I thoroughly enjoyed this segment. Even though the technical aspect seems just like an addition here, I think that the short lines, coupled with a consistent scheme, really contributed to a smooth read. Content-wise, I do think that some references you included here can be interpreted in varying ways, but I loved the tone throughout. A great start. Stomach rumbles. But toxic habits run deep Rather swig whiskey than binge on a substance to eat Life is a lucid dream I conduct when I sleep I live for Happy Hour, 3 to 6 every 2nd day of the week Dollar draft pours from tap like a river or stream Deliver me from whatever drives my liver to shrink These drunken moments. . when I sit here and think About things. Life. Or how it lost it all for a drink. . I really appreciate the dread-like tone in this and the high degree of authenticity you displayed here. Some references seemed obvious, like the 'Happy Hour/stream' bit, but I think every detail here was relevant in one way or the other to create a layered context. I also like how you still maintain the main themes here, while subtly hinting at self-constructed, yet somehow relatable circumstances. I'm also curious now how this is going to progress with regard to the picture, although it's kinda hinting at destruction, but it's slightly subtly hinting at self-inflicted suffering (or however one wants to call it). So this stanza was intriguing, to say the least. See, I had a wife. It didn’t take her long to realize my affliction She prayed for me while I was just finding religion Like. Who was this bitch to question conviction? To me . . 'If you love me' was a played out euphemism Until she left and took my daughter away Now visits are monitored, 2 hours every other Sunday Somehow searching for words to say to my child But, how do you call yourself a fuck up then smile? Meanwhile, my career is spinning out of control 11 years then you’re told they’re letting you go. Severance package in the mail, a letter or note Thanks for your service. . . puts a lump in your throat Try to swallow losing everything good that you know Or, just take another sip. Tip the bottle Empty the drops See the destruction behind every sign that said STOP! As much as I loved the previous segments, I don't really feel the same about the first two bars here. I can see why you structured them like this, and I can appreciate the directness and 'hindsight' moment/clarification for the reader. But I think those two bars weren't matching the tone you used before. But I thoroughly loved the emotional layers you presented here - with an incredible authenticity. I can also appreciate this segment's relatability aspect, even if one hasn't experienced the circumstances you depicted here. But I do think that some of the direct references seemed not as detailed as in your previous segments. And this is crucial as you're kind of mentioning the results of your destructive 'habit'. I just wished you would've specified them with a few more details, for example, surrounding the circumstances of each outcome. Obviously, all of them can be traced back to the addictive habit you displayed here. But, given the very layered context of the overall composition of this, I think the 'inner' self destruction is a crucial part of this as well, along with many other aspects. Loved how you draw the direct connection to the picture in the ending, and your interpretation of the picture in general. Overall, this was a relatively close battle to vote on as both writers had well written verses. Although S Dubb's verse was imagery-driven - no doubt - I feel like he took the very literal approach of describing the picture. I kind of would've like to see some sort of originality to it. And some sort of authenticity, as I wasn't really able to see the emotional layer in his verse. Rhetorical's verse seemed straightforward on the surface, but I thoroughly enjoyed the layered context he presented and his take on the picture in general. Vote - rhetorical |
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Sammy
Site Moderator
Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2223 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
Posted: 19 February 2017 at 10:21pm |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. s Dizzle - this verse was decently constructed by it struggles to find a point. Reading this, i see you are basically describing the picture. THat's it. NOthing more, nothing less. There weren't any extra layers to it and against someone like ur opponent, that can be gravely. Another points i'm forced to deduct from this piece was the wording. Nigma already quoted one. Other very awkward lines includes: "I steadily grow hesitation" "Envisioning preachers severe endings" "deceased half of me" among others. I was also concern with the "satin". Was that done on purpose? Rhet, the ironic (and funny) thing about ur style is how it relate to your usual comment on some written work. I remember you mentioning the clear distinction between poetry and rhyming but here, and admittedly, most of your work, you have a very strong command of poetic language. The advantage you have is that you're able to make it tangible. i think that's the strength of much of your work, the seamless blend of poetry and tangibility. clean diction. pretty good flow and scheme and the concept had heart, if not a bit cliche, storywise. vote/ Rhetorical. technical merit aside, the reason i have Rhetorical winning is because he was able to think out of the box. Sdubb simply describe the picture whereas Rhet created a concept out of it.
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spume corrupt
Superior Member 
Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3163 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
Posted: 19 February 2017 at 11:54pm |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. So I read through both these numbers a couple times! Looking for that connection with the relevant pictures in mind, Looking for sunfin with a tangible timeline or a solid Concept within the given realms Looking to see who has used the best range of tools available to Topical writing And of course looking for sunfin DELIVERED WITHIN the parameters of ENTERTAINMENT that works for me Honestly guys nothing jumps out at me! So I got to AAA Analyze further ,........ The Rhet RHET>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Ugly. I guess thats what we’ve become. Chugging bottles of Rum keeping comfortably numb Days are numbered. Every Session. re-Fresh to Day One You know the saying. . . My name is ______ then admit that your dumb Life’s insufferable. Cruel is when sifting its crumbs The dull existence we live is just sitting on tongues IT'S A STRONG FLOWING GAME YOU HAVE WITH END RHYMES AND WORD PLACEMENT HERE BROTHER, BUT I THINK YOU COULD HAVE A STRONGER SKILLSET IF YOU GOT MORE BLUNT, DROPPED THE CRYPTIC ANGLE A TOUCH AND USED ACTUAL PLAYS!!! And tried to switch up your scheme to not rely only on the rigid end rhymes focus and put the work DEEPER into the lines and how they mesh together over the whole piece..."Just some observations there" Maybe though this shit is some mad layered out skills? Cos I am actually sitting on my tongue right now! IT'S HARDER to make actual sense of the more simple connections AND REQUIRE MORE THOUGHT than simply saying "sitting on tongues" ONE OF THE PREVIOUS LINES SHOULD HAVE ALLUDED TO THAT STATEMENT THE LEARNED READER WILL RECOGNISE the EFFORTS TAKEN when you do that though. WAITING NOW FOR THE NEXT SET TO DRAW ME IN,AS YET IT'S LACKING THAT GRAB AFFECT When discussing our issues or just wishing we’re young Should I feed the withdrawal or chew the end of a gun Stomach rumbles. But toxic habits run deep Rather swig whiskey than binge on a substance to eat I DO GET THE VIBE OF HOPELESS ALCOHOLISM! But that's mainly my problems and only a coincidence here. BUT YEAH SOME OF THE WORDING IS beyond COOL, IT DOES CARRY THRU SO FAR DO FEEL YOU HAD ENOUGH LINES TO BUILD SOMETHING MORE SOLID BY NOW BUT .............. YOU HAVE DEF SET A SCENE HEAR AND THE BEGINNING OF A Character/situation IS DEVELOPING ............... Life is a lucid dream I conduct when I sleep I live for Happy Hour, 3 to 6 every 2nd day of the week Dollar draft pours from tap like a river or stream TO start I got to say that 3 to 6 every second day SHIT was on some light weight believable trip!!! REAL DRINKERS DRINK WHEN THEY AIN'T SLEEPING! I FEEL THE DETAILS OF WHO AND WHERE/WHY ARE MISSING HERE PLUS THE PICTURE CONNECTION FEELS WEAK AT THE MOMENT TOO MANY LINES NOW WORKING THE SAME ANGLE, FEEL YOU NEEDED TO GIVE SOME ATTENTION TO THE CHARACTER BY THIS STAGE BUT KEPT IT TOO STREAMLINED and neglected developing the necessary depth to make this person feel real! IF IT COMES NOW IT'S PROLLY TOO LATE FOR THE READERS TO ENGAGE .......... Deliver me from whatever drives my liver to shrink These drunken moments. . when I sit here and think About things. Life. Or how it lost it all for a drink. . ITS ENTERTAINMENT BUT MISSING SUNFIN? NOT ENGAGING ENOUGH, NOT ORIGINAL ENOUGH TO BE BUILDING EXPECTATIONS IN A READER YOU HAVE BUILT SOMETHING THOUGH I'M STILL holding out for a strong finish .... See, I had a wife. It didn’t take her long to realize my affliction She prayed for me while I was just finding religion Like. Who was this bitch to question conviction? To me . . 'If you love me' was a played out euphemism Until she left and took my daughter away Now visits are monitored, 2 hours every other Sunday SO YOU HIT SOME SUBSTANCE HERE AND AS I'M READING THIS SHIT THE POTENTIAL BIGGER PICTURE COMES THROUGH MY ONLY BEEF IS THE TWO DIMENSIONAL FEEL THIS HAS OVERALL LIKE THIS SECTION IS COMING LIKE A BOMB AND IT NEVER WAS WORKED TO FEEL YOU DONE ENOUGH GROUNDWORK, SO IT DID FEEL like JUST CONVENIENCE FOR YOU TO WORK IN THE OBVIOUS UNLESS IT'S GOT THAT TWIST OR THAT CLEVER WOW THEN THE SUBJECT IS OVERDONE already ............. .......... Somehow searching for words to say to my child But, how do you call yourself a fuck up then smile? STRONG VISUALS WITH THAT STATEMENT IT'S GRITTY AND REAL! I LIKE WORDING REALLY WORKING TO HELP US FEEL THIS MAN'S FEELING OF SELF LOATHING THAT sitting on tongues number just got a little credit!!!!! The fucker! AND WITH CHILDREN INVOLVED THE POINT IS DRIVEN HOME FURTHER GOOD VISION HERE .......... Meanwhile, my career is spinning out of control 11 years then you’re told they’re letting you go. Severance package in the mail, a letter or note Thanks for your service. . . puts a lump in your throat Try to swallow losing everything good that you know IT'S LIKE SNIPPETS though BROTHER! TOO JUMPY, SWINGING ALL OVER THE PLACE Metaphorically you are throwing big stones one at a time!THEY LAND IN ONE SPOT! TRY TO SPRAY AS TO COVER MORE GROUND! YOU SHOULD FOCUS ON BRINGING A TIMELINE INTO WORK LIKE THIS ALSO IT'S TOO ROAMING AND NEVER GARNER'S ENOUGH EXPECTATIONS AS TO TO THE OUTCOME THAT .."MEANWHILE" SHIT FELT LIKE IT FELL OUT OF A COMIC BOOK!!! I DID ENJOY THE RHYMING ON THAT SECTION AND IT WORKED WITH THE PICTURE ON THAT LUMP IN THE THROAT/DRIED OUT FRONT ......... Or, just take another sip. Tip the bottle Empty the drops See the destruction behind every sign that said STOP! IT'S LIKE THIS CLOSER SHUTS DOWN THE CRITICS ON SOME LEVELS! I REALLY DO GET THE ROUTE YOU TOOK WITH THIS REGARDS TO THE PIC, AND IT WAS CLEVER HOW YOU DELIVERED THE WALLOP WITH THE VERY LAST WORDS. CONCEPTUALLY THAT WAS VERY GOOD, in truth you arrived at this end and worked the Concept well "holding UP a hand will always be strong stop signage" I DON'T THINK YOU GOT AT THIS NONCHALANT AND DEF APPRECIATE YOU HAD MOTIVE AND THOUGHT HERE. YOU JUST NEEDED TO BUILD UP TO IT WITH A MORE STREAMLINED NARRATIVE I DID ENJOY THIS OVERALL! YOU TRAVERSED THRU THE PIECE EFFORTLESS AND IT NEVER FELT SHABBY OR UNREFINED WITH THE DELIVERY JUST SLIGHTLY UNDERWHELMING WITH THE CONTENT ARRIVING AT YOUR PROBLEMS WIFE/KID/JOB ETC WITH ONLY THE ALCOHOL AS THE THE LINK! THAT'S WHERE THE FLESH WAS MISSING BRO SO I'M LIKE THINKING YOU HAVE SOME DOPE MECHANIC'S TO BUILD ON! AND I'M HOPING THIS FEEDBACK WILL HELP GIVE YOU SOME POTENTIAL INSIGHT INTO FURTHER DEVELOPMENT RESPECT .......... DOBBY... "Of the Hogwarts variety" MY brother MY runt I WAS DEF STRUGGLING WITH THIS IN THE FIRST FEW READS WAS MAINLY FEELING AN UNREFINED KINDDDA SCRAPPY FEEL WITH A WILD JUVENILE TWIST OF UNEDUCATED INNOCENCE LIKE EXCITED STORY TELLING WITH RHYMING FOR THE SAKE OF RHYMING! BUT NOTHING BEYOND GENERIC NOTHING WITH AN ENGAGING THOUGHT PROVOKING VIBE NOTHING BEYOND STATEMENTS AND TAILORED MULTIS NO POTENTIAL TIMELINE, JUST MISH MASH I WILL LOOK DEEPER THOUGH AS I HAVE COME TO LEARN YOU ARE SKILLED AND HAVE MAD POTENTIAL TO BE A DOPE WRITER ............ I SDUBB>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Fire scorches internally, burning my soul with sorrow and pain... Flames torch the streets, who knows what tomorrow will bring... Armageddon is upon us, how did God deny my rapturing... Demons scurry about, trying to demise my capturing... SO IT'S HERE ALREADY! THAT INNOCENT WORDING SURELY DEMON'S DO NOT SCURRY ABOUT? THEY LURK, THEY PLOT THEY PLAN I CAN ONLY ENVISION A DEMON WITH INTENTION! BUT SCURRY? .. NO MICE FUCKING SCURRY!!!! Plus I just wasn't feeling the awkward wording... EXAMPLE "DEMISE MY CAPTURING"??? DON'T FEEL REAL EVEN! THE PICTURE CONNECTION IS APPARENT FROM THE GATE, BUT I HOPE YOU ARE GOONA DEVELOPMENT BEYOND THAT VERY SIMPLE line of enquiry? ........ Wicked souls being punished, experiencing no eternal bliss... Left to fend for myself, how did Jesus deny my vertical lift... How could he do this? How could Jesus have left me behind... I step to the side, as I met genocide, heavily I wept and I cried... JESUS DOUBLE JEEEEZZZUS THAT'S TWICE THE JESUS'S ONE TWO MANY JESUS FOR ME ASCENSION IS ASCENSION! IT'S NOT A V "VERTICAL LIFT" THAT JUST FEELS LIKE MASSIVELY OVERCONTRIVED FALSE WORDING I CAN'T VIBE WITH THAT KIND OF NONSENSE I CAN APPRECIATE YOU ARE SAYING YOU HAVE BEEN LEFT ON EARTH TO BURN AND SEE THE PICTURE CONNECTION, YOU ARE KIND OF HALF RIGHT HERE! I DON'T HATE THE WORK JUST STRUGGLING TO LIKE IT! .......... Tears soak my shirt, why have I been left a falling victim... Witnessing Lucifer crucifying people! I saw him rip them... Apart! Organs and hearts, peeling flesh from the bone... Satin bringing torture and pain has a death of it's own... NAH. THIS IS VERY BLAND BROTHER, YOU ARE WORKING ZERO ANGLES, WHEN I SEE MULTIS I NEED TO FEEL THEM ,A MULTI IS NOTHING but contrived if it has no impact on the Overall outcome IT'S EASY TO DO! GIVE ME SOMETHING CLEVER BEYOND RHYMING! .......... Tragedies happening around me, I steadily grow hesitations... Visions I witness in my eyes I realize heavy my own revelations.... IT'S IN THE WORDING BRO, TAILORED! IT STANDS OUT A MILE IF YOU CHANGE THE WAY WORDS ARE COMMONLY USED IN CONJUNCTION WITH EACH OTHER JUST TO SUITE YOUR RHYMES I CAN'T GET PASSED THE FALSE FEEL THIS HAS AS A PIECE SO FAR ...... .. Execution so far has never given hope to this actually going anywhere beyond a wildly vague type of apocalyptic piece that has been visioned so much better already ORIGINALITY IS MISSING AND BOREDOM THREATENING TO OVERWHELM IT'S TOO RANDOM AND LACKING DEPTHS I DO RESPECT THE EFFORTS HERE THOUGH AND FEEL IT'S ONLY FINE TUNING YOU NEED TO BE REALLY GOOD ......... Enduring hardships! Fighting back with hard work and perseverance.... Envisioning preachers severe endings, truly hurts the spirits... Darkness covers Earth, as the redness grows thicker... Hope withers to decibels when cuts cover ya throats inner... As wounds are opened from the pounds of a beast... Your organs eating slowly by the hell-hounds he released... Now they feast, as demonic creatures plague the Earth... Eerie screams from other beings seem to make things worse... I JUST CAN'T FEEL THIS MAN AT THIS POINT I AM DONE THE WHOLE THING FEELS LIKE A FUCKING CHORE YOU NEED TO TRY LESS AND GET MORE ORGANIC! I HATE READING SHIT THAT FEELS OVERCONTRIVED This is scarce on any real substance YOU have made ATTEMPTS to use some good wording but haven't applied them well enough to give this work any believable quality ............ Life is full of choices, and I've chosen my path... He's fully committed, Satin has devoted his wrath... Fire covers the ground, temperatures increase rapidly... I'm dead inside ... The Devil literally deceased half of me... IT'S THAT FALSED MULTI SHIT AGAIN! IT S NOT JUST THE MULTIS, COMBINATION WITH THE LACKLUSTRE NARRATIVE AND I AM JUST GETTING THE READERS lethargy AT THIS STAGE I REALLY DO NOT FEEL THIS STUFF!!!! ......... As the end draws near, everyone is fighting survival... Parents and kids gather, holding hands reciting the bible... From Psalms to Proverbs, everything they can remember... This years ended like we reached another damn December... Armageddon is upon us, only the chosen has risen... The rest of us have been left here hoping we're hidden... NAH NOT FOR ME FAM YOU HAVE JUST GONE STANDARD ON THIS SHIT YOU NEED TO REFINE THIS STUFF TIGHTEN UP THE DELIVERY AND BRING A LESS CONTRIEVED FEEL WITH THE SCHEME AND RHYMES THIS HAD NO FOCUS BEYOND STATEMENTS DONE IN A BORING FASHION I APPRECIATE THIS FEEDBACK WAS HARSH IN PLACES FAM! But I reckon you can handle it, I kept it 100 with you main ........ I GOT TO VOTE RHET HERE HE DELIVERED A LOT MORE LEGITIMATE AND HE DEF HAD THE MORE CONSIDERED APPROACH REGARDS THE TASKED PICTURE I WAS ABLE TO READ HIS DROP A LOT EASIER TOO BUT HIS CONNECTION WITH THE PICTURE TOOK IT FOR ME |
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Cuba
Senior Moderator
Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Posted: 20 February 2017 at 9:13am |
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3-1 Rhet. Locked.
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