Open Mic: Immovable Objects

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Inspiration. You’ve been the dark horse in my lifeAt times forgotten, lost, or simply pushed to the side
Remember the good times? Probably not
We spent a lifetime trying to pull kinks from the knot
Barbiturates popped, feeling almost deceased
That’s me, walking through life while I’m out on my feet
The deep maze. A day in a daze, every day is a haze
Fading in and out like bursts of nebulous rays
Slipping away. Echoes span where benevolence stays
Almost a gentle landing onto a blanket of blades
A thankless parade. Mi Cherie Amour, decadence lays
Almost infatuated with misery in a way
Her elegance, gradually placed for my soul to embrace
Dancing on my eyes with a ballerina’s grace
Masquerading on my existence, or whatever remains
Sculpted monuments of shame too large to erase
So look me in the eye, but ignore the scars on my face
Hold onto your thoughts as our courage deflates
Surges the pain, I’ve been a roman soldier at war
Conducting lack of composure. Trojan the horse
Push back or just fall at the tip of your sword
Lord knows I tried, I guess I wasn’t destined to soar
Broke wings trying to fly through electrical storms
My grip on this reality left these tentacles torn
Any respectable person would reject from the norm
I’ve been dejected until rejection took form
Emo-porn to emotions, explosions of scorn
I suppose we love drowning where oceans are born
Erode away, like time flying on Pegasus wings
Sketch an existence worth living for skeptics to sing
Think of possibility, or what it createsOr spend your life like me… trying to push mistakes out
of your way 

whatever

Edited by rhetorical - 24 March 2017 at 3:13pm

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rhetorical Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Site Moderator Joined: 14 February 2014 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 807 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-0 Form: WWL	Post Options Post Reply Quote rhetorical Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Topic: Immovable Objects Posted: 24 March 2017 at 2:53pm
	Inspiration. You’ve been the dark horse in my life At times forgotten, lost, or simply pushed to the side Remember the good times? Probably not We spent a lifetime trying to pull kinks from the knot Barbiturates popped, feeling almost deceased That’s me, walking through life while I’m out on my feet The deep maze. A day in a daze, every day is a haze Fading in and out like bursts of nebulous rays Slipping away. Echoes span where benevolence stays Almost a gentle landing onto a blanket of blades A thankless parade. Mi Cherie Amour, decadence lays Almost infatuated with misery in a way Her elegance, gradually placed for my soul to embrace Dancing on my eyes with a ballerina’s grace Masquerading on my existence, or whatever remains Sculpted monuments of shame too large to erase So look me in the eye, but ignore the scars on my face Hold onto your thoughts as our courage deflates Surges the pain, I’ve been a roman soldier at war Conducting lack of composure. Trojan the horse Push back or just fall at the tip of your sword Lord knows I tried, I guess I wasn’t destined to soar Broke wings trying to fly through electrical storms My grip on this reality left these tentacles torn Any respectable person would reject from the norm I’ve been dejected until rejection took form Emo-porn to emotions, explosions of scorn I suppose we love drowning where oceans are born Erode away, like time flying on Pegasus wings Sketch an existence worth living for skeptics to sing Think of possibility, or what it creates Or spend your life like me… trying to push mistakes out of your way whatever Edited by rhetorical - 24 March 2017 at 3:13pm


Exoduzt Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Superior Member NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Exoduzt Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 24 March 2017 at 3:48pm
	Yo Rhet. I'm really feeling the way you right. Its very straight to the point. I like that. I was feeling the kinks from the not. Nice way to word the situation. Also the burst of nebulous rays was fucking dope. Also I was loving the gentle landing spot like a blanket of blades. Thats some top tier writing. The ballerina's grace was a nice reference as well. I loved the look me in the eys but ignore the scars on my face. That right there is the highlight for me. Broke wings flying through an electrical storm. Damn Rhet that was pretty beautiful but in a dark way. You followed it up with the grip and tentacles torn. For me the verse just kept getting better and better the farther I read. This was a really well written piece. Dope work Rhet I'm really feeling this drop


iLL ScriptureZ Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW	Post Options Post Reply Quote iLL ScriptureZ Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 24 March 2017 at 4:26pm
	Inspiration. You’ve been the dark horse in my life At times forgotten, lost, or simply pushed to the side Remember the good times? Probably not We spent a lifetime trying to pull kinks from the knot Really digging the intro to this. It is setting up real nice so far. I liked the reference to the knot and the time spent. Barbiturates popped, feeling almost deceased That’s me, walking through life while I’m out on my feet The deep maze. A day in a daze, every day is haze Fading in and out like bursts of nebulous rays Whoa whoa whoa... calm down fella! That 3rd line is F-I-R-E. The nebulous rays really complimented it well. This is turning into something! Slipping away. Echoes span where benevolence stays Almost a gentle landing onto a blanket of blades A thankless parade. Mi Cherie Amour, decadence lays Almost infatuated with misery in a way Yeah.. you're in your bag on this one. I love the imagery of giving benevolence more than just a quality. The blanket of blades was exceptional and finishing off with being in love with misery. Her elegance, gradually placed to my soul to embrace Dancing on my eyes with a ballerina’s grace Masquerading on my existence, or whatever remains Sculpted monuments of shame too large to erase So look me in the eye, but ignore the scars on my face Hold onto your thoughts as our courage deflates That ballerina line is awesome. I really really dug that scars on my face line. The technique you are using is very nice. Digging the thought in this. Surges the pain, I’ve been a roman soldier at war Conducting lack of composure. Trojan the horse Push back or just fall at the tip of your sword Lord knows I tried, I guess I wasn’t destined to soar Broke wings trying to fly through electrical storms My grip on this reality left these tentacles torn Any respectable person would reject from the norm I’ve been dejected until rejection took form What a highlight. Back to referencing the horse Emo-porn to emotions, explosions of scorn I suppose we love drowning where oceans are born Erode away, like time flying on Pegasus wings Sketch an existence worth living for skeptics to sing Think of possibility, or what it creates Or spend your life like me… trying to push mistakes out of your way This is my only critique. I think the ending could have been stronger. I think the create/way didn't hit for me. Maybe it was b/c the last line throws off the flow... IDK all in all this piece was dumb strong until the last line.

rhetorical Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Site Moderator Joined: 14 February 2014 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 807 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-0 Form: WWL	Post Options Post Reply Quote rhetorical Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 27 March 2017 at 3:31am
	thanks fellas


Sammy Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2223 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Sammy Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 27 March 2017 at 11:09pm
	Rhet this was hot, bro. Def has the swag of a vet. The wording was crisp with quite a bit of crazy imagery. That nebulous line had me goin "ohhh". "Emo-porn to emotion" what?! Sickness my man. I take this as a monologue on motivation or lack of. And I can reiterate this enough, for a dude who isn't prone to poetry you had quite a bit of it here. I always view poetics as a way to speak in layer to not only push ones narrative but to parallel that narrative in a deeper level. To me if done correctly it's a persuasive tool. If too much it becomes a gimmick and gay. I thought the metaphors u implement helps to push ur idea along perfectly. A good ex. Is the face scar line. Not much critique here bro and if we had a nomination for written of the month this would def get my nomination.


SELF ACTIVATE Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Standard Member Joined: 05 February 2016 Location: Kemet Status: Offline Points: 1380 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL	Post Options Post Reply Quote SELF ACTIVATE Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 28 March 2017 at 8:21pm
	Well... This is pretty impressive. In fact, I think I'm envious of your ability to so casually turn a phrase into a beautiful moment of poetic darkness. Real Non-Prophet level writing. It's dim, but at the same time full of illuminated language. I dug it: the tragedy, the wordplay, the imagery, and the metaphorical brilliance in your words. Also, the flow was slick as melted butter. No stumps or fumbles on my end while reading it ... I just feel as if your scheme was very natural and organic. Highly impressive and thoroughly enjoyable read, Rhet. Peace...