Open Mic: Read between the lines |
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PoeticAssassin 
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Joined: 19 September 2011 Location: The Top Status: Offline Points: 90 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-0-0 Form: WW |
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 Topic: Read between the linesPosted: 27 March 2017 at 4:57pm |
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Trapped in this cage- broken wings cant fly away
Too high to climb the moutain--peaks stay outta my range Found a way to cope- hopeless days of spoken rage Pokin through potent rays holdin fate a smokin gauge Fall back and reminise eyes blurry tightest fists Pencil grips the pages rite quiver lip im fightin this Mindless mist counted days bound by wisdom understates Kingdoms crumbled through the pain of visions under weights Thunder shakes, lightning breaks,darkness illuminates Suicide states-bullets hold the truth they say Rain falls washed away- ink dries clear Ghost in the mist is just the man in the mirror Holding fear..... Letters etched, blood dipped with lead Learn to live in death, with the tip upside my head.. The chains whip -tryin to break the chimes I fly--As i read between the lines... |
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Goryo.
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Joined: 28 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 431 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-4-0 Form: LWLWLW |
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Posted: 27 March 2017 at 8:09pm |
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You have some good imagery and a metaphorical vibe. Guess with a name like PoeticAssassin I should've expected that lol. Anyway yeah I'm feeling the approach, you had some good rhymes in there though some seemed thrown in there to continue the scheme and it just made it feel a bit unnatural in places. Fall back and reminise eyes blurry tightest fists Pencil grips the pages rite quiver lip im fightin this ^ Bars like that. While it was still understandable it could've used a bit of a tweak. Aside from that though it was mostly on point, I always enjoy these kinda drops where everyone can see it from a different perspective. Had a real poetic layout too. Keep it up.
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Sammy
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Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2223 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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Posted: 28 March 2017 at 8:49am |
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u signed up in 2011 but i don't think i've ever read anything from u. with that said, this was pretty cool, my friend. i think you have a good grasp of rhyme scheme. really like that man in the mirror line. that was cool. great imagery and poetic voice. at times, i felt the wording suffered due to the strict poetic voice. but for a style like this, it always a balancing act between grounded and abstract. overall a nice intro piece (at least for me anyway lol)
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PoeticAssassin
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Joined: 19 September 2011 Location: The Top Status: Offline Points: 90 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-0-0 Form: WW |
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Posted: 28 March 2017 at 2:01pm |
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Thanks yall
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