Open Mic: [KOTM] Catching fire [KOTM] |
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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Posted: 11 June 2017 at 8:14pm |
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
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My favorite part of this is that you included everyone, even yourself in the picture. I think it was clever to incorporate the blind guy as actually being able to see. Incorporating the cheating husband and the man-hating (killer) waitress. It all was really really cool. The reference to the addiction of peoples "needs" such as coffee as being toxic is cool too. My wife has that addiction to starbucks, lmao, I can relate.
All in all it was nice and tied together at the end. I enjoyed this man.
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daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
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Yeah, this was technically sound. Mechanics are crisp and flow was nice. Conceptually this was a really nice piece. The way you incorporated this blind dude and shit was top tier topical writing. The way you used the picture was really dope. I mean come on Cubez, write more motherfucker. I dont know why you dont want to waste a few hours and give us entertainment man. Fuck sake, Back to the writing. You know you got it, we all know you got it and this was entertaining. Very classy writing sonz.
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Lord Puente
Newbie Final Boss Joined: 05 July 2016 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1814 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-2-0 Form: LWWWLW |
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... why don't you do more drops?! This shit was dope. I hate to sound like a broken record player, but the blind guy not being blind was a nice twist. Also I liked that instead of the picture just adding to your narrative, you flipped it and the narrative added to the picture. Like the part about the tea towel. My only critique was the hella hard/credit card. I liked the line, just didn't like the word hella in there. You had a nice vocab throughout and I think that is why that word didn't fit wel for me. Other than a single fucking word in this, it was fucking great. Solid drop Cuba, def will be tough to top!
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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Appreciate the feedback guys, thought it was a great topic and just wanted to get an entry in...
Strongly encourage others to get involved before the window closes |
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King Jehu
Veteran Joined: 23 January 2004 Status: Offline Points: 6088 Crew: Renegades Text Rank: #4 Stats: 54-18-1 Form: WLWWWL |
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I would suggest anyone who wants to write to the picture not read this, because it's so good you may not be able to differentiate your drop enough to be unique unless you already have an idea where you wanna go with it.
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Insert something rappy here
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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I totally forgot about this,i really liked the picture there's just so much happening,
tentacles and the hand round the blinds man's throat and shit,anyways.. This was a real creative piece of writing here Cuba,the blind man's bluff and the actual placing or giving him an identity was solid,it just added to the mechanics and layering on the whole,this was impressive on reading,from the perverted blind man down to waitress and the man on the end who was nondescript was ripe,and all to a setting of just one carriage on a line and in a line with others,(as train do),your multi syllables were also present,your content was engaging and easily absorbed on reading also,i think you did real well capturing this picture overall,and like others have stated (and time being kind) you should do more drops yourself,as you certainly do give people entertainment value with each one you've done and I've read thus far,i also liked the inclusion of giving each character a role or a reason, that was a highlight in itself i thought,i could go on,or even hash out a few bars,but i won't in fear that i might be viewed as d/r and damaging my good name..lol..but truthfully Cube's this was a real real ripe an enjoyable read thanks for posting,(and giving me a reminder about this picture)...peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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SELF ACTIVATE
Standard Member Joined: 05 February 2016 Location: Kemet Status: Offline Points: 1380 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
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The tie-ins to the picture were exceptional, especially how you effortlessly danced back and forth between the literal, psychological and metaphorical. I don't think you left one stone unturned or anything thing to be desired. Your verse proved the reader with a full and creative account of the picture. The phony blind man was genius and the part about the waitress killing chauvinistic men was also a nice touch. I also really dug how you discribed the motion of the train and the imagery the wooden track provided. Idk, Cubes. This is just really good and well written from start to finish. Mechanically it was also top notched too. This was a great verse that exceeded expectations. Bravo.
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