Open Mic: [KOTM]The Heart of a Mother[KOTM] |
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daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
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Posted: 28 June 2017 at 8:27pm |
Flashbacks hit amidst breakfast Within, i see my past, its endlessthoughts at rest with this deception Reality has left and clarity exits Bi-Polarity enters while im stressing ringing in my ears, shrieks so prophetic switched gears and my fears progressing hesitant for years with reflectance mental wear eroding witha decompressing body Mind at loss as i pick away whats in my coffee Bobby (ME...) Screaming to mommy "Let go.. get off me" As she grasps my wrists like an Octi.. pussy i rubbed softly Battered and abused sexually for being naughty dad read the news with blinders on like he never saw me If i ever crossed knees, I was beat till i was bleeding Blood covered walls, kicking and screaming Pleading for my father to stop it... He he kept reading I wept and proceeded to take it, left depleted mistreatment, it never seceded one late evening, two Lives needed deletion she was pleased to beat me, i begin dreaming next weekend, Mommy and me cooked for daddy and heated it Mommy was the meat and daddy was pleased with Bobby, dish is delicious what did you use for the seasoning? Peeled skin and the tears of a bitch that was grieving Daddy, stop the weeping... Or you'll meet the cleaver 15 years and the flashbacks leave me even weaker The deceitful bitch left scars on this evil creature At least we're far apart mom, always leaving ya in the freezer When I relive those days in the dark, I pick at parts of your heart.. and eat it with leisure.. Edited by daydizzle89 - 28 June 2017 at 8:45pm |
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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I'm on the train home at the moment,when i reach home i'll leave this piece detailed
feed,after a quick scan i like what i've read (and i hate East Midlands fucking trains,i've got an hour journey again standing up,ain't that laughable when I Paid For A Fucking Seat!) .. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
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Fuck me... I loved your intro. It was tight, to the point, concise and really set for what I thought was going to be the tone of this. As you incorporated the other elements of the picture you started to take a dramatic, evil and gruesome turn. I know you don't particularly care but the heated it/dreaming/pleased with didn't exactly match and through me slightly off. But you had similar sounding words so it got me through. The content turned like I said before, gruesome and I didn't see it coming at first. Pretty clever to turn an "ordinary" photo to some "Mommy's body is in the freezer" type shit.
Nice work!
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daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
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Thanks for the feedback my wiggas
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Firstly my apologies,i can't believe i forgot about this friend..
Flashbacks hit amidst breakfast Within, i see my past, its endless thoughts at rest with this deception Reality has left and clarity exits Bi-Polarity enters while im stressing ringing in my ears, shrieks so prophetic switched gears and my fears progressing hesitant for years with reflectance mental wear eroding witha decompressing body Mind at loss as i pick away whats in my coffee Bobby (ME...) Screaming to mommy "Let go.. get off me" As she grasps my wrists like an Octi.. pussy i rubbed softly Battered and abused sexually for being naughty dad read the news with blinders on like he never saw me (OK straight off the bat i like the angle here,this segment had a focus on what's going on from within as if 1st person mode,it read like fragments that were blended into one scene,it was decisive and direct i thought,the progression from the start is progressive via story line also,you caught my attention from the off to be honest I was intrigued to see where this was going or ending,your rhyme scheme was simple but nice,due to the choice of end rhyming words,it also read pacey to via this course, plus it all relates well to the picture,nice segment..) If i ever crossed knees, I was beat till i was bleeding Blood covered walls, kicking and screaming Pleading for my father to stop it... He he kept reading I wept and proceeded to take it, left depleted mistreatment, it never seceded one late evening, two Lives needed deletion she was pleased to beat me, i begin dreaming next weekend, Mommy and me cooked for daddy and heated it Mommy was the meat and daddy was pleased with Bobby, dish is delicious what did you use for the seasoning? Peeled skin and the tears of a bitch that was grieving Daddy, stop the weeping... Or you'll meet the cleaver 15 years and the flashbacks leave me even weaker The deceitful bitch left scars on this evil creature At least we're far apart mom, always leaving ya in the freezer When I relive those days in the dark, I pick at parts of your heart.. and eat it with leisure.. (literally a dish served cold eh,an abused childhood that was shaped and moulded for revenge from a young age,but in the end became more evil than his parents,you had some vivid details popping off too,the story line although engrossing it had a feel of an horrorcore element to it also,although it wasn't as relatable as the first segment to the picture,it worked because of the progression within the concept itself,and the ending was good too,it has a moral vibe in that violence breeds violence,and live by the sword die by the sword feel,nice entry here,good work dude..peace |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12327 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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Took me a few reads to really understand how the first part was relevant to the rest of the story. Once that penny dropped I did kind of appreciate the rest of it a bit more. That flashback element was a touch of genius.
As for the remainder I don't particularly care for the gratuitously dark angles you seem to take. Don't know if it's just the material that I've read by you but I'd like to see you push yourself creatively and go for the less obvious 'Dizzle angle' but maybe that's just me. Nice drop though Dizz, that flashback segment was pretty next level. |
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