Text Battle Archive: [Topical] DjFlame vs DayDizzle [0-3] |
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daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
Topic: [Topical] DjFlame vs DayDizzle [0-3] Posted: 03 July 2017 at 6:06pm |
She gorgeous, has curves that be enormous
We're horny and her clitoris is slightly porous we have normal sex, Missionary conformists I want to watch her perform acts on men like a whore bitch I wanna see her choking on a ginormous dick While I watch her vocal chords get stretched I want her to take a Black-horned Taurus penis welp in the corner while she's get corked with semen makes me smell his dick while I coward in weakness pelting her from behind and hes only a quarterly deep in at least 13 inches of beef and got my wife contorted nd screaming This scenic porn flick is euphoric as hes deepening Shes secreting his jizz and im recording this savage beating She begins squeaking like a pig, torrid thoughts as im weeping This horrid thot erotic while shes teasing me with her hotness He whispers in my ear speaking ebonics, "Your Pawg bitch atomic" "She a bomb bitch choking on my cock till i get her to vomit" "You fucking slobby prick, lick my balls while your wife gives me a solid" makes me put on his used condom and i jerk off while sobbing fucking to a beat from a song made by Robin Thicke His name is Dominick,hes dominant with my wife's throbbing clit This rotten prick got my wife's legs wobbling like she having a seizure Makes me bite her bottom lip while eats her rotten beaver She squeezes his girth while she begins to squirt... He makes me drink it while he continues to please her sipping on her piss while hes screaming at me "You cum drinking retriever" While hes pleasing her im weezing in disbelief of this fucking cheater Puke on my cheeks, i grab the heat and a meat cleaver Im seeing a sea of blood while jealousy begins to creep worse i beat his brain in while hes gushing blood by the litres this fucking slut squealing when i began to beat her Dominick bleeding out while i rape and teach her Forced oral down her throat till she stops breathing Throw their body parts in the freezer while i start cleaning Grin on my face and a hard on with a gruesome scene and.. Her fucking another man wasnt enough for the pleasing Now i sleep with her limbs and beat off to it every evening I now do this twice a week and usually every weekend |
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Concrete
Standard Member Joined: 02 September 2013 Location: Oslo Status: Offline Points: 1418 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 33-6-0 Form: WWWWWW |
Posted: 06 July 2017 at 1:37pm |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. So let's see who did the most whit this freakish topic then.. Dizzle, as per usual some highly questionable lines, like "makes me put on his used condom and i jerk off while sobbing" and "sipping on her piss while hes screaming at me "You cum drinking retriever"" and soo so forth. Then it devolves to another twisted scenne. Now i'm not necessarily against this type of blatant nastyness, I mean it's occasionally funny indeed. However, I feel like you're taking the easy road here, I think if you set the bar for yourself a little higher you could have written a more intricate story here. Perhaps you didn't feel your opponent was worth the time to do it, but still I think it's time you advanced further, cos you got the technical skills. Given the smooth flow it was a comfortable read, that's always a plus. Flamer, unlike dizzle your it seems yoru intepreation had great ambition, or a more complicated story at least. I can feel that, however perhaps you aimed too high. The narrative was a bit all over the place here, tho you tied it up somehow. I struggled at first to get your rhyme structure, I found it eventually but did not appreciate it. This was not a smooth read at all, and thus the story telling aspect suffered from it. The second part was better, as your rhymes was more concise. Still, I think both parts really needed polishing and trimming. As for the vote, as much as I like Vault Boy Dizzle gets the vote for better overall verse. More refined flow and not losing focus. I will say however that both could have taken more time to improve their verses, you both been around here awhile and should be able to compete with the best at this point. So take your time and bring your A-game next time.
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
Posted: 07 July 2017 at 10:58am |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Ok although not my cup of tea let's see what you both have here.. Dizzle i found your piece to be like a bag of mixed blessings really,on one hand you had detail/imagery and emotion popping off,but the actual story line didn't seem to kick in until the end,this piece had a very spatial effect on reading,although it had a flow to it,it had a choppy vibe entow too,you managed to catch the depravity well though, as this did have some cringe moments within as it was graphic in nature,& to be honest the emotions were lost to an extent due to the contents taking centre stage,the lust/belittling and jealously took the back seat here when they should of been in the forefront in my opinion,and revenge is a dish best served cold,so the freezer inclusion for me was cute here.. Dj straight from the off you were building a story line here,i do however feel you over thought some of your contents though,your first segment nearly lost me at one point with the (pardon the pun) comings and goings,but you did manage to hold it together though all be it in a scatty way,your story did have a progression to it also which is a plus but it did lack in imagery really,it had a depth coupled to it it just wasn't that deep for me,you seemed to skim rather than dive,besides the imagery the other thing i did notice what held this back some was your flow,I feel if you had an inner rhyme scheme here or some choice multi's this would of been a half solid verse,coupled with the fact your line lengths were not terribly long but only rhyming the last word as such also reduced the tempo and gave a stretched vibe out,still an good read.. Overall i feel DD got this with his imagery/flow,plus to be fair and no offence is meant here,DD is formidable when it comes to shock and awe,and it is in a loose fashion his trademark,he well say things what others won't which i respect,Dj your verse wasn't bad at all,it just for me didn't give out much to a reader except really a story line and turmoil,still props to both here.. Vote...Dizzle...peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12327 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Posted: 13 July 2017 at 9:55pm |
2-0 Dizz
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 27 July 2017 at 3:52pm |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. To start off not a fan of the topic = not a fan of either of the verses either. Or in the words of CJ above this "just isn't my cup of tea". Dizz - Kind of had a mixture of sporadic, disgusting imagery throughout your verse that fed off the topic well. Story was a bit meh, didn't have the proper progression and depth to it to make it interesting IMO. The imagery itself could have been a bit better in this piece. More vivid so to speak using better vocabulary and more figurative language to paint the picture. I felt you were a bit repetitive with the violent sexual scenes and the word choices didn't do much for extending the nasty images you were trying to display. All this pretty much was a vile scene using different sexual scenes to fit the description of a cuckold with the added jealously snapping and nasty ending. Flame - Your verse was a bit jumpy for me in the aspect of readability. I couldn't really get into the way it the opening scene was written at all. I can't really pin-point a proper word for it. But there's wasn't any depth and it felt like it progressed way to fast within the line. Then majority of the story seemed much like a fillerish plot. The topic tie-in was there but it wasn't a very good one. Imagery and scheme was pretty simple as well as it didn't make up for the narrative flaws. MVGT: Dizz - I wasn't a fan of either verse. Flame idk if it was the topic itself or what but this wasn't one of your better pieces written. Neither was it from Dizz either even with this being in his range of topics. What Dizz did have on yours drop was a smoother read and much better imagery, albiet, I thought he could have done much better in that aspect as well with the scene he painted. I preferred Flame's approach in general being aimed towards a more story-based approach, I just feel he failed to delivery in both the story and technical shit.
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 27 July 2017 at 3:52pm |
With that it's a 3-0 KO and Dizz picks Flame's Avatar via the rules.
Being as it's not in the rules of the battle, you two can discuss via PM or separate thread the timeline which the Avy is to stay.
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