Open Mic: (KOTM) Ripley's Sushi Bar.. (KOTM)

(The Choking)
Believe it or not,the clattering plates was the rattling of someone's fate,
Waitress splattering blood like bait as each downswing chop agitates,
Behind the tinted glass sits the V.I.P reading whilst eating tentacle sushi,
Throat to sore to make a plea as the grip tightens up from an unseen entity,
That came from "off the wall" like MJ's lp,was this fate or the man's destiny,

(Police inquiry)
The chef is called Gore May & says thats what he serves on any given day,
A diner where kids and their food can play,tug of war or catch of the day,
A venue where freaks flock to eat,or an alternative if that's what you seek,
Feel free take a seat,order a cup of Joe but be careful you dont get his feet,
Be my guest in the process take notes,& don't use the cane to prod em or poke,
See the side shows don't start till seven,this is their time & their bit of heaven,

(publics Acceptance)
Under lock & key is where these freaks should be I've heard the public say,
But I disagree,even geeks need to make money as we all have bills to pay,
Ben the sandbag who has no limbs,still has style being propped up on Timbs,
See these ppl are already payin for their sins,I wonder if you have tougher skin,
OK let's begin the questioning,are you naturally ugly or is it your previous kin?,
Believe the masses ideology is pathetic,i didn't choose this state it's all genetic,
Hop inside you'll see i also diabetic,just one day in my shoes & you'll regret it,

(The Outcome)
So pay to see me in a tent and Marvel at the oddities till your hearts content,
And my anger I'll never vent I'll just sit there and smile whilst you pay my rent,
& remember despite my deformity I'm a soul too & not dirt beneath your shoe,
I'll take your currency that you accrue but pls don't visit the diner it's not for you,

Edited by Cuba - 05 July 2017 at 10:41am

Thanks man your a star..peace.

+ves:

Creative use of the image, liked that you took the old guy from side and spun the story about him.

Liked how you worked in some smart references, I personally quite like the MJ as although it's old school it's relevant to the picture. The Gore May one was cool as well. You also layered in a lot of "colour" which is important to creating a real authentic feel to your story.

Enjoyed the 4 segment approach to the story, nice way of telling it and was thoughtful.

Builds:

I think your narrative could've been stronger, as although I liked the creativity of your splitting into segments I did find it a bit difficult to follow and the sections didn't have different 'voices' which didnt seem consistent with your chosen format.

Also think you need to work on some of your fundamentals of rhyming. Your rhymes could be a lot more sophisticated as your only rhyming on 1 syllable for example which is pretty basic. You can overdo it of course but as a relative newcomer trying to focus on making your rhymes more complex will help you understand the mechanics of making the rhythm flow more and then you can dial down the rhymes again once you have improved your understanding of the flow.

I am glad to see you dropping though, as this will help you improve your understanding and enjoyment of others drops as well. The more you learn yourself the more critical you can be of others (in a positive sense) and that will empower you to develop more yourself. You must be the only person in history who feeds way more than he should vs. Writing/dropping. It's admirable but I would like to see you writing more and I'm encouraged to see you dipping your toe into the water.

Good effort man, keep dropping.