Text Battle Archive: [7/7] DJ Flame vs Slip (topical) {2-0} |
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12327 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Topic: [7/7] DJ Flame vs Slip (topical) {2-0} Posted: 07 July 2017 at 7:59pm |
Bloodlines IV prelude
Best of 5 votes Verses due midnight Sunday 24 line max Topic = Insomnia
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Slip
Standard Member Joined: 04 June 2013 Location: St Johns. N.L. Status: Offline Points: 1612 Crew: Alter Egos Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 14-33-0 Form: LLLWLW |
Posted: 08 July 2017 at 1:53am |
I can't seem to sleep, and thinking makes me sweat There's always a ring around my body , sheets are soaking wet There's no cool side to my pillow and it smells like death Thoughts racing threw my head every time I take a breath Mouth wide open afraid to breathe through my nose I lost respect for myself stopped washing my clothes Hate to leave my room doomsdays on my mind Always wide awake and never on the grind Steady beefin online all the god damn time Death to DTK death to Slip death to Zin I'll never be ok death to you death to him Death to her death to us my brains about to bust I never slept in months I'm givin zero fucks I'm not sleeping till I kill, murder all these cunts For real I stay alert steady searching through post Mostly as a guest though ,skills of a ghost creeping you on Facebook looking for your my space Keeping pictures of your family to hang'em up at my place Track after track with no naps in between'em All these text heads writing disses I pretend not to read'em I come back harder every time so desperate to beat'em I don't wanna wait for bloodlines it's keeping me from sleeping The insomnia casing nausea I'm sick of seeking treatment |
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See no evil speak no evil silent echo alter ego
inner demon violent beast so warn the mother fucking people |
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
Posted: 13 July 2017 at 10:24am |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. OK let's get the voting rolling.. Slip your verse was like a 2 in 1 piece or a double edge sword really,first it came off as a diss,then with the odd inclusion of sleep related lines thrown in to keep it on the topical's subject course,(you really do like to poke Hornets nests eh),and to be honest it worked,i'll even go as far to type it was creative too,your flow was good but basic here,you seemed to rhyme only the last word on each line,and that in turn gave out a simplistic rhyme scheme,but keeping things simple does have merit,as it's harder to fuck up where tempo concerned,the draw back here for me is this,it did lack a story line as such,and via this course it also lacked depth,no matter as this was a tongue in cheek approach on the whole that i can overlook,good work.. DJ firstly i liked some of your word choices here,plus you had a storyline within also, you also had some depth here via details too,which helped as i could envisage some parts whilst reading,you to had a simplistic approach via rhyme scheme here,and like Slip it worked but it didn't enhance the piece as such,i did however liked your story's progression though,it had a pacey vibe on reading,my biggest gripe is the fact that this read more of a dream state rather than sleep deprivation which marred it some for me overall,no matter though as you did bring imagery into the fray here so that's a plus,and the fact that it engaged me from the start was also a bonus on reflection,i liked it,good work.. Overall,2 entirely different takes to the topic title that helped by giving this battle a non monotonous read,so props there guys,and as your both fellow crew members it adds the element of pain to call a winner here,both had minus and pluses,Slip brought in creativity via his 2 pronged piece,and DJ brought imagery,so after read both again i'm going to go with DJ,Slip i feel you kind of Slipped up by concentrating on Chekk here, although your piece was off the cuff,it seemed more focused at Chekk rather than sleep,i feel if you could of injected more of the red eyes/unshaven aspect within your verse it would have been ripe,but still props as it was entertaining.. Vote DJ..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12327 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Posted: 13 July 2017 at 9:54pm |
1-0 Flame
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 14 July 2017 at 8:38am |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Slip - I dig how you worked in your topical verse for this battle while aiming the whole thing to diss Ch3k. Not the approach many people would have done. There were some ups and downs because of that but I did think you did a good job keeping it all on the topic. The start of the topical was the best section and definitely could get a reader drawn in. You did well with description of your character (in this case ch3k) having sleep problems with sweat rings, the uncomfortable pillow, mouth breathing and then diving into his racing thoughts. However, this is where the story itself began to take a turned a nudge away from the topic. Yes you continued to focus on his thoughts and why he can't sleep, but it came off more as you throwing disses at him than focusing on the topical itself. Because of this, I thought you ate into some lines that could have given the topical a proper closure rather than just throwing in a single line to tie off the verse with. Technically, it was sound for the most part. There was a ton of mistakes regarding spelling and grammar which doesn't really effect the vote unless it hinders the flow or changes the meaning of the lines. But it's an eye sore and definitely needs to be polished in that aspect. Threw should through. I never slept in months should be I haven't slept in months. my space should be MySpace. Just small fixes but as a reader looking it, it will make the verse look much put together and not so rushed. Overall, as I said it was a cool approach off the topic given. I thought you did delve a little too much into your diss towards ch3k which too away from the focus of the topic and this battle. DJFlame - This was dope take on the topic. Instead of delving right into the insomnia itself, you told the tale of a character and why his insomnia is taking place. The story itself started well and kept me interested throughout the verse. I'll admit at first I didn't know if you were going to take it on topic because sleepwalking isn't insomnia. Being that they are two separate sleeping disorders and one can lead to the other, you did well in leading up to the point of your character not being able to sleep in jail as well as taking a couple lines to describe the affects that his insomnia had on his mental process and aging. It had nice ending to close the verse off with the character choosing the effects of insomnia rather than going through the horror again while he sleeps. Technically, it was sound, flowed well, good use of imagery and story building. Good mixture of simplicity to keep the flow smooth and word usage for description. Not much else to say about it technical wise, I thought it was pretty sound and polished. MVGT: DJ Flame - Decent battle. Flame did well using a story with character depth and development in the short amount of lines this battle had. Where Ch3k took another approach that was much more difficult to pull over and it his approach did affect the impact of his verse on the topic. Rather than writing a story around the topic itself, he chose to turn it into a diss more so answering the question "Why Ch3k would have insomnia"? In this case, I have to go with the progressively sound story and better technical writing.
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 27 July 2017 at 4:32pm |
2-0.
Pushing this up for some more votes.
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12327 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Posted: 20 August 2017 at 1:30pm |
Under site battle rules battle has not received enough votes in 4 weeks. Given it more time but now it will close.
Flame gets a win but not a KO win. Locked. |
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