Spotlight: [KOTM] ESOTERIC FEASTING [KOTM] |
Post Reply |
Author | |||||
daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
Posted: 12 July 2017 at 7:28pm |
||||
I awaken, addled brain and adroit hands grasping the pavement absquatulated through Arcadian space with amazement These arcane winds beam beads towards my face nd limbs Abrasive sand bombinating against my spaceship concatenations of events led to lost communications Fugacious radio signals intercepted by ruthless aliens the esoteric beings confiscate my useless gauges i eschew the pain with spitting in their blue faces i lose faith with the fact they threw me into a cage with.. Thirty-two other humans wearing suits from other nations A loud thundering yammer hits and from afar i see their leader Sycophants squeal, wobble while these creatures seizure i must be dreaming because i feel apoplectic nd eager Unapologetic beasts urge for our death in speakers brouhaha chants leave me to believe were gonna meet the reaper Seance rants repeating while these space demons begin eating meat with cleavers They feast like draconian creatures on humans with great enormity deformity as bodies leak out with brains oozing on the tables cordially Using swords to eat and pick at the bones with normalcy Im next and the gorgons forcefully tear at my organs with teeth Intestinal chords wrapped around my neck like a soldier in Normandy insidious horrid scenes as they eat my core nd spleen My core beliefs leave my body as im feeling bereft of pain Last thing i remember is these gothic teeth chomping on my neck nd brain...... Edited by daydizzle89 - 12 July 2017 at 7:34pm |
|||||
The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
||||
This was a cool first entry. You did well in your word usage describing the event. I did think there were a few lines you got a bit over zealous with the vocabulary that and it halted the smoothless of the line itself.
For example: They feast like draconian creatures on humans with great enormity deformity as bodies leak out with brains oozing on the tables cordially Using swords to eat and pick at the bones with normalcy Im next and the gorgons forcefully tear at my organs with teeth Here reading through it, the end rhyme normalcy/organs with teeth is where it puts the hiccup in the fluent readability. The syllables also don't line up with the two either. There was a couple other instances as well. face n limbs line was another multi that the syllables didn't line up, however, it didn't effect the read as much because the 'arcane winds' multi to start the line made it roll of the tongue ultimately and the short line following it 'spaceship'/'amazement' was quick enough to pick up the previously end rhyme. Being as this wasn't a consistent trend throughout the verse, I don't think you meant to do that. Other than some occasions like that with the flow and multis, it was technically sound. And the grusome imagery at the end was what Self was looking for for Bloodlines, so that should be a plus when he goes through the verses for a winner. The story was definitely an interesting take on the KOTM topic this month. I liked the idea of being abducted by aliens that are holding people from other nations. It was fast paced and had an aggressive start to the story to get the reader interested. The way it began, you also left it open for a prequel as to how your character reached this point. What I thought this story did lack was the depth and creativity. Instead of continuing off the interesting beginning, there was no purpose for the capture other than for the aliens to eat. There was no reason for the other 32 nations to be there. No depth behind the character, it was a random person that got captured and eaten by aliens. You had more lines to work with and you should have used them to put some depth behind it because I thought the start was great. Well I said my piece, both critique and praise. It was overall an enjoyable first read to the BL4 KOTM.
|
|||||
|
|||||
SELF ACTIVATE
Standard Member Joined: 05 February 2016 Location: Kemet Status: Offline Points: 1380 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
||||
Let the sci-fi saga begin.
This is pretty dope, Dizz. Honestly speaking I had to look a few of these words up as they are not all that common in everyday conversation. But after doing so I find myself pleasantly surprised by how much sense they make within the context of your imagery. Not only is your vocabulary intelligent, nerdy, and obscure, but more impressively it actually enhances the vividness of the story your illustrating.
I'm digging the sci-fi imagery you're creating. It's movie-esque in scope and in visualization.
Thank God (really Steve Jobs) that I am blessed enough to have a built-in dictionary as part of my iPhone factory settings, which allows me to highlight a word and look up its meaning and pronunciation in less than a second. If it wasn't for this vital feature I might not have been able to make it through this read, let alone, appreciate it in all its uniqueness and glory. However, because of this built-in dictionary I am instead able to truly enjoy it for all it's worth. I love the fact you've gone the route of a true science fiction novelist and have chosen to employ not only complex vernacular (almost alien in pronunciation), but also very intelligent and thought out scenes, not unlike that of a space epic or odyssey. Obviously, we've all seen movies similar to what you are describing in your verse. But even with that said, your ability to paint a picture and set a scene with visual detail is no less impressive. In fact, it's worthy of admiration. Props.
This was delightfully horrible to imagine. Thanks for the nightmares. Nah, on the real ... I dig the fuck out of this. It's crude, primal, and really sets the bar high for future participants. This is some classic Dizz shit. I think you have executed the topic in a creative and ingenious way. Savage!
Damn! R.I.P. They fucked you up, bro. You should have packed a laser, faser, or lightsaber. Stay strapped or get eatin. It's Space, shit is wild. Dope ass piece. Thanks for sharing. Peace... Edited by SELF ACTIVATE - 21 July 2017 at 4:35pm |
|||||
Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12327 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
||||
Spotlight swag
|
|||||
|
|||||
The Rap Daemon
Standard Member Joined: 05 August 2015 Location: Purgatory Status: Offline Points: 1108 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-14-0 Form: LWLWWL |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
||||
Will feed this once I've changed the frikkin' colours of this.
|
|||||
Faggot
|
|||||
daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
||||
Thanks for the feeds people. DJ, You write a verse to a prequel and i will follow up with one.
|
|||||
Neek
Site Moderator Super Mario Slaughterer Joined: 05 October 2004 Status: Offline Points: 3862 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-1-0 Form: LWWW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
||||
I awaken, addled brain and adroit hands grasping the pavement absquatulated through Arcadian space with amazement These arcane winds beam beads towards my face nd limbs Abrasive sand bombinating against my spaceship I have no fucking idea what absquatulated means lol. score one for Dizz. but from the prologue im imagining your traveling to a planet similiar to mars with the sand reference, but we'll see. concatenations of events led to lost communications Fugacious radio signals intercepted by ruthless aliens the esoteric beings confiscate my useless gauges i eschew the pain with spitting in their blue faces I think "bluey faces" was meant here, but I get that editing is for clowns. so I knew whatcha mean Mr Eiffel 69. I think the story is building nice. I sense turmoil already. i lose faith with the fact they threw me into a cage with.. Thirty-two other humans wearing suits from other nations A loud thundering yammer hits and from afar i see their leader Sycophants squeal, wobble while these creatures seizure i must be dreaming because i feel apoplectic nd eager Unapologetic beasts urge for our death in speakers what language do the aliens speak so I can learn when they come for the gold again. but this shit is super trippy, almost has a "Enemy Mines" type vibe, really dope. brouhaha chants leave me to believe were gonna meet the reaper Seance rants repeating while these space demons begin eating meat with cleavers They feast like draconian creatures on humans with great enormity deformity as bodies leak out with brains oozing on the tables cordially Using swords to eat and pick at the bones with normalcy Im next and the gorgons forcefully tear at my organs with teeth Intestinal chords wrapped around my neck like a soldier in Normandy insidious horrid scenes as they eat my core nd spleen well fuck. nevermind lol. not Enemy Mine at all. damn man. I was rooting for some Steve McQueen in Great Escape shit here. but alas. Dizz keep a plot twist. My core beliefs leave my body as im feeling bereft of pain Last thing i remember is these gothic teeth chomping on my neck nd brain...... wtf lol. well Dizz, I liked this piece. I was just trying to make the connection on the dinosaurs/aliens. outside of that slight hiccup, I felt this was a nice drop. the description in the last five feels kinda samey... but not alot of ways to truly describe getting eaten alive, while keeping with a gruesome theme *and* closing up shop with limited lines. so I felt your execution was where it needed to be. vocab was on another level, but didnt hurt the read.. so overall I kinda just assumed what the shit meant based on direction. anyway, my pennies anywhom. enter that word drop and show these boys how its done. |
|||||
#Bananas
|
|||||
Sky Scrapur
Standard Member Joined: 21 October 2014 Status: Offline Points: 1133 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-1-0 Form: L |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
||||
Bro what tha f@#k is this? Well penned. I see you still got that magic in you, shit's captivating.I'm now being tempted to pick up my dusty pen. Other wise great piece dawg. Dope |
|||||
|
|||||
Post Reply | |
Tweet
|
Forum Jump | Forum Permissions You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot create polls in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum |
|