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Red-B
Groupie Joined: 09 January 2014 Location: FL Status: Offline Points: 408 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-0-1 Form: NWW |
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Posted: 23 July 2017 at 6:44am |
I know I don't comment on posts much but if you wanna give feedbacks go ahead and I'll gladly leave some feed on some of the content from people who give feed
I'm a Martian, straight from space you know a homie heartless. Don't start shit, my crew and I will rip your ass to parts bitch. I promise when we rap the studios a mosh pit. You're harmless I slice and dice you have you leaving armless. Now we let the game begin, go ahead and roll the dice. Jumanji in this bitch I'm looking at you through my lion eyes. Fire lines, snort cocaine and take a shot of cyanide. Cause in this game you're feeling high, then BOOM! now that's a homicide. Hide inside, lock your doors and pull down all your fucking blinds Make sure your windows bullet proof before I shoot and hop inside. You're a fool, now go'n guess who's gonna drop and die tonight. You blew up like some dynamite, I took a chance I made it I'm E L E A V A T I N G in this rap shit I don't give a fuck if you can spit fast while you're rapping There is no consistency with bars that you are flashing Take some time to write some clever shit and I'll be happy But now I'm full of madness cause you pussies can not write a lick You're just a bunch a clones getting money just for riding dick Music is my strongest wit I'm fire like a candle wick Don't monkey round' this bitch or I will empty the banana clip My zoo is full of animals, you play around and you get bit My mind is sharper than the blade on samurais, hope you ducking quick I dissected your bars homie I thought I was shucking shit You'll bleed out from my pencil tip I'll stab you through the guts and ribs I ran out of a fuck to give, like having sex and nutting quick I'm the kryptonite you go to work, I go to represent. Step to me I wreck you quick like Paul walker and roger did Jesus clear my sins cause I know I've been acting devilish. Don't fuck around I'm celibate trampled on by an elephant Stamped on you like I'm mailing it fans of you are so scandalous Hands on is how I'll handle it rituals if the candles lit Think of me you so scared as shit flush you I know my hand is lit |
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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OK Red don't think i've ever feed or read anything of yours before,but as flex pieces
go this was good to be honest,within you had some nice couplets popping off,the Jumanji/lion eyes was good,& the imagery behind it was solid like you was stalking prey,your similes were a bag of mixed blessing here,some were solid others were predictable,they started out simple really but by the last 3rd started to stand up and out,like that line about not giving a fuck/nuttiness quick is a good example of what i'm reading,and in all honest your rhyme in general followed to an extent this pattern of highs and lows,with that typed i guess its expected in hype verses to some degree as it's not easy coming bar after bar with heat,so fillers for most has to excisist, but on the whole this was a nice piece in which i think in audio form would be solid, still a nice read that should not be getting slept on really,and does deserve more feed..enjoyable read..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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AshleyKaos
Standard Member Joined: 11 October 2013 Status: Offline Points: 2511 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 28-63-3 Form: LWLLNQ |
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This was alright your an audio head I'm assuming ? This read like it was written for an audio. Was decent but a little choppy how ever I dugg the metaphors and multis such as "lion eyes" and "cyanide". Keep elevating
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NUMBER 1 FEMALE MC TILL THE DEATH OF ME
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The Rap Daemon
Standard Member Joined: 05 August 2015 Location: Purgatory Status: Offline Points: 1108 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-14-0 Form: LWLWWL |
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This was a cool piece. The aggression kept it fresh and I could definitely see this hitting well on audio, but no props for your spelling B, clearing not a spelling Bee. You MUST make sure you spell the word right when you're having it spelled out in the piece.
Would have been a more stand-out drop rather than just some good work with more coherent punchlines because some of your metas were excellent but the standard punchlines fell short and numbed this hype piece. An example you had like the candle wick one weren't so impactful as statement bars as there was no play or entendre to make the simile drop hard in a bar. The verse would flow better with more overall consistency and it is very evident that quality is much better than quantity. Rhymes were nice though and again metas were solid and since the drop wasn't lacklustre any misses didn't hurt the drop overall and don't ruin it. Keep it up. You're good so wanted to keep this feedback mainly to constructive criticism since I know you know you can keep coming with more. I too would love to hear this through audio, btw. |
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Faggot
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