Spotlight: [KOTM] Primordial Soup[KOTM] |
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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Posted: 05 August 2017 at 5:45am |
by Sammy The polarity, off point. the balance, a juxtaposing of night and day seaside swipe as the wide ocean sprays salted bitter breeze cutting deep as vision sways... Perhaps a compulsive shift. time altered? fabric of fallacy divided at a conjoining rift always wanted to know what lurks behind that Bermuda drift So here i am. *PUKE* the movement... sick! not your conventional nuisance. Listen, i've been on voyage but not one quite as moving as this! the sky, a dark, ashen gray. "stark" would be best.. to the describe it. Primitive seas divided by a spec....a yacht hovering along silently. *Seconds later* something marked its arrival the Maiden of my "Lorna" has made wave with the gods of denial It was HUGE...Its Jaws, collosal, the size of...a bus. Lord of the deep: Megalodon. Incisors, thrusting against the side of my yact. eyes, the shade of a godless world movement, marauding in topsy turv fear of capsizing had me praying to my God.... It's heard... A distant echo signal the arrival of dawn an analogy all too fitting as i observe the size of the pod a group of Livyatan Melvellei sailed by, riling the shark the bull raced towards the Meg as it widen its jaw... the size of a modern Sperm Whale but with the bite of a shark the two titans squared off for deep sea supremacy.... when suddenly a wooshing sound pulled me out..into a different sea. should've been relieved but as unpredictable as this journey of life... i still sit and wonder to myself....WHO THE FUCK WON THAT FIGHT!! Edited by Sammy - 05 August 2017 at 6:03am |
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Sky Scrapur
Standard Member Joined: 21 October 2014 Status: Offline Points: 1133 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-1-0 Form: L |
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I enjoyed reading this script. Strong imagery and personally that's what i love to see in storytelling. It's like i was watching a movie and that descriptive writing of urs stirs up that poetic feel. Man this is dope. I wouldn't wanna fall into that situation though no matter how much i love adventure.
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CHAIN
Standard Member Joined: 14 November 2006 Status: Offline Points: 2769 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 8-4-0 Form: LWWLWW |
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Nah, Gravano, you ain't shit for this one. Unfuckwithable. The moment you evolve into combining punchlines with your metaphors you'll enter the Lupe level of mastery. |
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SELF ACTIVATE
Standard Member Joined: 05 February 2016 Location: Kemet Status: Offline Points: 1380 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
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Bruh. Sometime I don't even think you're human. Or at the very least you're a 65 year old Pulitzer Prize winning author that just so happens to love hip hop music with a passion. I swear you write some of the most sophisticated and imaginative stuff in the world. For instance, this reads like 'Mobby Dick' but with the action and entertainment of Jaws. Although, I'm not sure that's even an accurate disciption, but it make sense in my mind lol. But yeah Sam this was a miniseries produced by HBO level good. I was hooked on every line. One thing in particular that I enjoyed was how your imagery was direct while at the same time poetic. It had a lot to offer and absorb. Also, your flow was definitely smooth and your mechanics were a pleasure to observe. Dope read. From top-to-bottom.
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Dntplywelwitothers
Groupie Joined: 30 November 2013 Status: Offline Points: 172 |
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An extremely entertaining read. Poetic storytelling, vivid imagery and a haunting cliff-hanger. This absolutely absorbs the reader.
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alicewonder
Standard Member Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
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This is so beautifully written. I had a chance to skim through it earlier, but it's even more impressive on a second read. The imagery you employed was very original and extremely well created. 'Salted bitter breeze' and 'fabric of fallacy' are just a few examples of your very unique choice and arrangement of words. The third segment was probably the most powerful in terms of 'story progression' and metaphorical value. The ending was also original in its own way and I appreciate the poetic/tale-like approach.
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