Open Mic: Meet Fuego [Vol One] |
Post Reply |
Author | |
Neek
Site Moderator Super Mario Slaughterer Joined: 05 October 2004 Status: Offline Points: 3862 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-1-0 Form: LWWW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
Posted: 09 August 2017 at 10:34pm |
I really fucking dug that radio active bar. that was slick as shit. I know "of" the band imagine dragons, but im guessing they have a song called captains.
anyway, middle to ending stanza got a smidge confusing, im assuming you were playfully poking slip with the alter ego shit.. but overall, I thought this was a good change of pace flex drop admist all the beef and topical stuff. good play amigo. |
|
#Bananas
|
|
CHAIN
Standard Member Joined: 14 November 2006 Status: Offline Points: 2769 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 8-4-0 Form: LWWLWW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
@ the Sondheim bar. Dope
Radioactive bar = 9/10 Keep 'm coming. |
|
|
|
The Rap Daemon
Standard Member Joined: 05 August 2015 Location: Purgatory Status: Offline Points: 1108 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-14-0 Form: LWLWWL |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
That opener is literal fucking flames. Bar of the month if I could hand awards out like that for sure.
Sometimes, the focus on multies meant even though it was rhythmically sound, took away from the imagery a little bit and felt a little unnatural, but it wasn't forced as such so it wasn't terrible by any means. But a pattern of imagery within a verse with obviously a wider focus on storytelling is more powerful than an astounding rhyme scheme for the ebb and flow of a piece. But as you said, this is like an introduction to the character and with the solid amount of quotables stuffed in here it should set up well and I look forward to the future pieces. Good work. |
|
Faggot
|
|
the lyricist
Groupie Joined: 10 July 2014 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 120 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-3-2 Form: LLNLN |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
Damn man that radioactive pun was crazy, also the second part of the verse had me rapidly reciting the first half of the bar and slowly elongating the second (I don't know if this was intentional but it was amazing). I will definitely follow this train till the end.
P.S The last two lines made me think of peter parker lol. |
|
AK/MEDS
|
|
the lyricist
Groupie Joined: 10 July 2014 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 120 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-3-2 Form: LLNLN |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
The only thing that confused me was the missing 'the' before staunchest,and even that was caused by the fact I'm not used to reading text raps.
|
|
AK/MEDS
|
|
DressToKill
Superior Member Joined: 27 June 2006 Location: Canada,New Brunswick Status: Offline Points: 6872 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 78-62-0 Form: LLWWWL |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
Chicks in the wrong place and they lust for the wrong guy
Hes sending the Broad 'way enough to be Sondheim ^^^ was the stand out bar of this, Whats up Flame, I thought you brought a real nice little verse here. I can see you're writing for beats like you said in another thread because the lines are certainly shortened up and the flow was banging. I loved the line I quoted, nice play and stuck with the theme as well so props on that. My only thing i'd really like to see would be for it to be longer and see if you can keep the consistency up. Props dude
|
|
The original comeback kid
|
|
Dntplywelwitothers
Groupie Joined: 30 November 2013 Status: Offline Points: 172 |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
The flow in this really stands out. Your rhyme scheme contributes to the fluidity of this piece. I really enjoy writing like this, it's hard to keep flow in text without sacrificing the content, and you're able to incorporate many elements and an interesting concept. What you have so far is impressive, and I look forward to the other installments.
Everything said about the "imagine dragons" line I agree with. Nice character development so far, you've described him in just a few bars... His abilities and dilemmas... making his introduction intriguing, but not giving too much away. Keep at this. It'a be cool to see what becomes of it. |
|
"My name has the most shout outs in the history of rap...."
|
|
Post Reply | |
Tweet
|
Forum Jump | Forum Permissions You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot create polls in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum |
|