Open Mic: Lay brick |
Post Reply |
Author | |
spume corrupt
Superior Member Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3163 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
Post Options
Likes(0)
Posted: 31 August 2017 at 11:29pm |
So trying to work on my transition to audio, don't usually write my text works to a beat, I definitely think the two formats are different and writing text is my comfort zone Enjoying doing this though, first verse recorded on my phone will post up when complete Thoughts? ................... Everyday I lay brick, but all I'm building is debt Another letter in the post and it fills me with dread Head forced in the ground, is that wilful neglect? Fall short of a pound like my build is defective All the beef in my head is the filth I've ingested I feel sucked out and drained like the milk of a breast is How can I deal with the stress when check this.... A lethal injection won't make me forget shit! No fucking secret all the money in the world That is something you can keep cos I got nothing left to sell See I been dumped in the freeze got me heated up like hell Then I was punched to my knees an I was beaten up as well Now I could climb to my feet, walk the line like a sheep Stay resigned to defeat and never rise to my peak But my mind won't concede, it's not designed to be weak All it needs is a tweak an I could shine like a beacon Hook I see you you're shining You see me I'm shining Take that light combine it What we need we'll find it.......x2 |
|
|
|
Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
Dude i liked how you opened up this piece,by using the layering of bricks to sum up
building a life story or legacy here,i thought it was a cool concept that tied the title in well also,and that's from your first bar alone,however i would of liked to have seen a better choice in words too in this first bar,using the word dread at the end of the 2nd line seemed to lesson the impact some,i would of gone with the word regret as this keeps the rhyming scheme moving whilst still being meaningful,anyways this piece did flow well overall with that said,your similes were good (suckled out/drain/breast) to hash out just one,but what really liked was the whole metaphor of how the bricks no matter how they placed represents that moment in time/life,they also seem to act like stages or memories too,your imagery was subtle but impacting and the fact that not everybody in life is capable of being a tradesmen (brickie or carpenter),most have to do what they can to get by so as in life some will be privy to a beautiful wall,most won't,i loved that concept and detail there,overall an entertaining read with thought provoking content,which in turn highlights the social world via a different point of view or take,solid work that I would like to hear in an audio presentation,good work fellow..peace. |
|
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
|
Goryo.
Groupie Joined: 28 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 431 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-4-0 Form: LWLWLW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
Yeah your style works with this structure. Used to seeing longer bars etc from you but you made the transition quite well. For the most part I could see this working on audio (internals and partial rhymes elped that a lot) though the 'check this' and 'heated up like hell' lines kinda fucked the flow for me. Maybe you have a certain way of spitting it that works but even if you don't you said it's something outta your comfort zone. Plenty room for improvement but you know what you're doing. Content wise it reminded me of Rock Bottom by Eminem. Had the same kinda vibe and content. It's a well-done topic but what makes it always interesting is that everyone has their own unique story for that style.
|
|
iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
No bad Spume.. near the end you had real nice 4-5 syllable internals shining your text approach nicely. I think that the "world" line through me off... it doesnt compliment the line before or after it. and is just there. I'm strictly talking rhyme here not content. other than that it was decent man.
|
|
Post Reply | |
Tweet
|
Forum Jump | Forum Permissions You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot create polls in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum |
|