Open Mic: Rise |
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Lord Puente
Newbie Final Boss Joined: 05 July 2016 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1814 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-2-0 Form: LWWWLW |
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Posted: 28 October 2017 at 4:53pm |
this was short. nothing that really left an impression. everything was very basic. id recommend reading the Rap manual on the website volume 1). it will help you add some more "flavor" to your writing.
this was short and too big of a portion of this is all basic shit that's been said before and you just repeated. "bigger they are harder they fall what goes up must come down' " nothing impressive on this. keep practicing and elevating. |
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D-NoS
Groupie Joined: 10 October 2014 Location: UK-Wales Status: Offline Points: 207 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-6-0 Form: LLLLLL |
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Thanks Absolute Abomination, I'll look into it
Cheers once again Crimson Juice!
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https://dnos.bandcamp.com
https://soundcloud.com/dnos_aka_dicey |
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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So i read this as you intended (slow),and before i type my pro's and con's this is a
really small piece to draw to much from,i'll start by typing i liked the first half better than the second,although choppy,it seemed more in vein and a complete concept, the 2nd half was more spatial i feel,yes this piece is basic but then I feel it needs to be really,as you don't have room to be complex,unless your highly creative with stressing words or projecting them to mean more than their intended purpose,via the line lengths on display here,i see your trying to incorporate depth by layering, but you didn't quite have a strong enough concept from the off to achieve that,and the cut and chop style is difficult to do so props there,the big factor here is that it was written like a 3rd person's prospective,nothing had emotion or attachment,on the whole though it wasn't bad it had merit still,as this isn't a scheme easy to pull off,props for trying..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Absolute Abomination
Standard Member Joined: 15 May 2015 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 556 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-3-0 Form: LLWW |
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The first half was much better than the second. Accepting that it was a very short piece, there are a few too many words in the second half that kill the flow.
That being said this feels like a small piece of a much bigger puzzle. I'd be interested in seeing if you can drop something bigger related to this.
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Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin.
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D-NoS
Groupie Joined: 10 October 2014 Location: UK-Wales Status: Offline Points: 207 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-6-0 Form: LLLLLL |
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No sweat brother
I look forwards to it, cheers!
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https://dnos.bandcamp.com
https://soundcloud.com/dnos_aka_dicey |
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spume corrupt
Superior Member Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3162 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
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Yeah that's a my bad homie, you don't need to feed other people on this site in order to get feed yourself...
Maybe just read and learn Trust I was never trying to belittle you it's not my style In all honesty my best advice to you is just be yourself I can appreciate anyone who enjoys to write verse And when I get some extra time I will look at your other recent work |
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D-NoS
Groupie Joined: 10 October 2014 Location: UK-Wales Status: Offline Points: 207 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-6-0 Form: LLLLLL |
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Hey man I appreciate the feedback as always! Reason I don't feed much is because to be honest I wouldn't know what the f**k I was ona bout any way really except if I liked it or not which isn't real helpful in itself. I bunked off school and don't really know the in's and out's of actually composing music/lyrics, to be honest all I did growing up was rap along with my fav rappers/emcess and write what I thought were some type of rhymes. Its only recently since visiting this site that I have began to learn about bars and flow and shit.. I like Hip Hop and Gangster Rap don't get me wrong but around the age of 13 I grew out of that and got into garage, drum n bass, hardcore edm, ect. But yeah I can see and tell that many of you guys are pretty awesome dudes who write awesome raps :) Soz for the wall of text but I just wanted let you and the other guys know; I realize this is a short piece, I wrote it at the top of the page indicating it should not necessarily be said fast. Ok I get the words are simple and the lines don't mesh well probably but I had a specific message in mind when I wrote it. The long and rather amateur.. 'Danger! Nitro Oxide Sound' lyric after getting some much appreciated feedback was a wake up call for me.. I realize how bad my writing is/was and am attempting to make the adjustment from poor to at least a digestible level. I'd appreciate it if someone anyone would take a look at and perhaps let me know what they think about my more recent and I THOUGHT better quality Raps, like this one Kung-Poo and Better Emcee Than You. As I said I know this piece 'Rise' ..was not worthy enough of posting but I figured something short and sweat was a good way for me to start trying to write more conceptually... this onc for example Coin Purse came the day after Rise, Kung Poo and Better Emcee Than You a few days after. I have a few more written but I dont wanna flood the site with any more till i get some feed on them ones. and yea obviously like to get battling eventually.
Edited by D-NoS - 24 October 2017 at 11:17pm |
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spume corrupt
Superior Member Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3162 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
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Ok D
I'm gonna keep it real like Illy did If you took the best bits from this and tried to craft 2 decent lines you still wouldn't have enough material to make them lines much good but at least you would have a start That's 2 average lines at best then So 14 lines short of an average 16 lines open mic piece So much work to do my man, but don't be down hearted about my opinion I say this only to inspire you to reach your potential Keep up brother and remember at the stage you are at feeding better writers will help enlighten you to what is missing from your presentations |
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
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D... this is real weak tbh. I'm not gonna give you bullshit feedback and tell you I feel it and it has potential etc. Scrap this. It's too simple and it really has nothing to offer outside of the giants kneel. The way you structured this was suspect and it made, what you did write, choppy as fuck. Find some creativity, put some multis together and create something from the heart man.
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Storm $hadow
Groupie Joined: 25 July 2015 Location: Abuja Status: Offline Points: 329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-4-0 Form: LLLL |
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I will take the simplicity of this work as something in the field of spoken word. It's great actually, and a little bit of message behind it. Would like to see a more wider work from you where you get to broaden your writing and input more substances.
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D-NoS
Groupie Joined: 10 October 2014 Location: UK-Wales Status: Offline Points: 207 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-6-0 Form: LLLLLL |
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Thanks for the feedback, appreciated.
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https://dnos.bandcamp.com
https://soundcloud.com/dnos_aka_dicey |
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Who-Is-You?
Groupie Joined: 03 October 2017 Status: Offline Points: 89 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-0-0 Form: WW |
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This is decent.
The only suggestions that I would have is to up the vocabulary and to make the rhymes more complex. The words you have now are all basic one syllable rhymes. Also would have been nice to see ya get outside of the box a bit more with your ideas. There wasn't a real complex bar or punchline here. No wow factor. The ending also kinda (pardon the pun) "stall" out abruptly. Aside from that, keep it up.
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D-NoS
Groupie Joined: 10 October 2014 Location: UK-Wales Status: Offline Points: 207 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-6-0 Form: LLLLLL |
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A very short piece, versed slowly (for obvious reasons )
Life is real Know the deal You ain't' made of stainless steal despite what you might feel David slew Goliath giants keel bigger they are harder they fall what goes up must come down' n all stand up tall get ya back off the wall some men rise and some men stale |
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https://soundcloud.com/dnos_aka_dicey |
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