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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Posted: 16 November 2017 at 11:14am |
Wrote this a long awhile back thought id just drop it rather than delete it..
Our lives we rehearse this earth I'm trying to traverse, These acts still torture and add the mileage to my head, From birth to Hearst wanting them closed as if a purse, But the facts hit as if a mortar and like shrapnel spreads, Agencies ask questions trying to unmask any deception, I'm a terrorist version of a Ronin roaming without a base, To avoid detection I scurry through a city's dark sections, Miraculously I exist leaving no I.D or even a paper trace, A sleeper via day or night my objective is to cause fright, Where all deaths are seen as a by product to my cause, To soar heavens like a kite is the goal for my short sight, & my son's last breath drawn,empty I chose this course, My Country is war torn it's a bane in my side like a thorn, Due to sanctions no food or meds civilians left for dead, No seeds to plant corn & my ppl have learnt to pour scorn, My son died in a broken bed to have life he needed steds, My pains I project I don't care for being politically correct, This is my mission to secure death to any man or Christian By plantin bombs on erect building & towers that I preselect, Learn & listen ya fight is against my gvrmnt not its citizens, Your gvrmnt breeds this horse and let's it run like a course, You trained our keen & watched as we play out ya schemes, & now business has an source for income with no remorse, You trade any weapons for the green their greed is obscene, |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
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Sup Crim..
First thing I noticed with your writing is that you've definitely have elevated since joining the site. It really shows in this joint. You went after the alternate line end rhyme scheme. Truthfully, I thought it worked. You were smart to incorporate internals that matched the previous end scheme which made came off clever. I will say that you still have some wording issues. For example: From birth to Hearst wanting them closed as if a purse, as if a purse what? I know what you're trying to say, but you're not saying it. I'd say something like "zip the bag like a purse". Seems like you're refraining from the general "like" similie but the "as if a" doesn't work here. But the facts hit as if a mortar and like shrapnel spreads, Again, I know what you're trying to say. If you said something like "as if a mortar crashed leaving nothing but shrapnel shreds" or "as if a mortar exploding and the shrapnel spreads" It's just wording. Those were just two examples of what I seen needed the most improvement. Kudos
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Goryo.
Groupie Joined: 28 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 431 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-4-0 Form: LWLWLW |
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Weird because I noticed the ABAB rhyme scheme but the whole thing read like one giant bar. It just meshed well and your technique is improving greatly. This is easily the most technical piece I have read from you as far as rhyming is concerned and you didn't sacrifice content either. I agree with Ill about some parts being worded a bit awkwardly but when you are bound by flow it is easier said than done at times. Elevation will come naturally there and you are 100% on the right path.
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